“If you don’t want to commit suicide make sure you have something to do.”
“Do what you love and let it kill you.”
I started writing this a few days ago, it’s Tuesday, May 23rd…
Last night I wept.
I shamed myself for thinking about suicide,
“How could you!
People are sick, dying, suffering…
And you’re writing about suicide?!
How are you able to be grateful and want to die?
Who do you think you are!”
…My mom was in the hospital after she stopped breathing Tuesday evening.
After falling asleep in the late AM,
Confused, angry, determined and even a bit defeated,
I checked my Instagram.
Low and behold,
A friend no longer “here”…
I got pissed.
Times like this I loathe social media and the effects had (has) on humans.
A voice can be very important you know.
When I hear another or they hear me,
I’m no longer in my head having imaginary conversations with a shiny box.
Shit becomes “real.”
(Maybe that’s why no one called)
Real Can Be Real Scary
While pissed in my backyard,
The trees, the birds, the sky…
I noticed nature staring back and me,
…So I made peace,
Or saw peace for what it may be,
Me Wanting To Breathe->Be Alive…
I’m not sure if it’s life who ain’t easy,
Or if it’s me who makes life hard,
Ain’t nothing in this world much like suicide ideation.
It’s actually in my ear right now telling me how selfish I am for even thinking about it which fuels the despair and contradicting ways I hear almost every day.
I’ve been learning to reach out.
If something helps me,
I am obligated to share it.
This is why I do anything really.
Some say they do it for themselves,
And I do…
(Sometimes I stand on top of my mountain and scream “I DID THIS!”:)
…But most usually I do with you,
It’s My Nature
But you know one thing?
I’m partially here because of me.
And if you continue to read,
This is why suicide feels so comforting,
I stay afloat when I write, shoot, reach out,
Because if I don’t,
I let myself down
I made this pressure and I put this on my shoulders,
Time and time
Pressure can be a great great thing…
I’d like to dedicate this to my friend Alicia Meyer and my Mom.
One who ain’t “here” no more and the other who I am “here” because of…
I will keep going and in the times I want to stop,
I will remember you Alicia along with others who after death,
Give me life…
And you Mom,
I will do remembering what you have already done,
Someone once said,
“Lord don’t move that mountain, just give me strength to climb it.”
Everyday I work on my dreams and everyday I have to fight my shadow(s).
But it’s all worth it,
Knowing I have lived and continue to live,
Alongside some of the most inspiring and strangest humans in the land…
These are my people.
The kinds you don’t got a word for,
The kinds who have shown me how to stand…
On my own.
BELONG WHERE YOU ARE
I’m in the front seat of my friend’s car.
Our other friend is in the back…
I feel a bit low,
My energy zapped since sickness last month and my mind is trying to convince me nothing matters.
I want to feel overjoyed! I want to feel ecstatic!
But I don’t.
I feel as if everything/nothing I do (doesn’t) matter and my writing,
Imagination are gone…
Sometimes I can go days feeling okay,
Weeks (months) on end where I want it “all” to end.
(Or maybe begin?)
What do you think entails a purpose?
Do you have to have one?
…Or is “it” already “here.”
And while we’re at it,
What makes life (lives) different?
You may have noticed I’m mostly interested in what people don’t talk about and what people shy away from. Most don’t speak a word about suicide,
Many won’t go near the subject and the Media?
Doesn’t share much about it neither.
(On the rare occasions it does, it’s very brief and lacking)
We Must Speak About Matters In Which Are Killing Our Kind
I live with suicide attempts and ideation,
But check it,
What I used to feel was cursed…
I Now feel gifted…
That’s why I shoot,
…You and/or I don’t have to say a word…
Suicide is universal.
It doesn’t care who’s ears it resides (in)
Suicide will ride along
“This is all too much. C’mon, ride with me. The end.”
Suicide likes lies…
I’ve lived with suicide ideation most of my life.
It got to the point where it was non stop everyday for over 2 years.
I’ve had multiple “attempts” but here I am,
Typing on this lil shiny white box, writing “you”…
How Strange Is All This->Reality
I find when I get it on out,
In a way I can see
I feel lighter
Hello, here’s me…
Heart Beat… And Breath
I use many vehicles to create (including myself) and like Voltaire said,
“…Have something to do.”
This is important because if I have something to do and that to do is something I LOVE?
I feel alive
I feel like the sun…
Shine Bright Lil One
It’s also what I don’t do.
I’m not interested in living for you, are you?
I find when I live at the hopes and costs of what someone wants or wishes for me, when I place value on outside validation/praise, etc etc…
…This can add to the pressure of just “existing” and ya know?
Pressure can be a great thing,
But not the kind making me into something or someone I’m not…
Dying To Be
It’s a shame we live in a world who points fingers and blames.
We’re taught happiness is the only way…
I’m here to say,
I don’t feel anyone has to be happy all the time.
Most usually when someone is happy all the time I look for the exit signs.
I also feel being anything all the time comes with red flags.
Humans aren’t one way, how can we be?
With all that is going on, has and continuing…
Why do I have to be anything?
…And why is there something “wrong” with me if I feel differently?
This is where I can get lost in the “idea” I need to belong.
Belonging can make me feel as if I’m compromising,
And I ain’t much for that.
I hear a lot of people say,
“I never felt a part of”
“I never felt like I fit in”
Even tho I can understand,
(As much as I can without being them)
I don’t want to ever fit in.
That don’t mean I hate on people,
Quite the opposite
I want people to succeed
… I just don’t want to be in it all the time,
Cuz there’s a lil thing called “group consciousness” existing and wherever that applies, can rid me from (of) me.
That’s what I’ve been working real hard on the past few years.
Not ridding me from me
Not leaving me behind
All these experiences have brought me and bring me closer to myself allowing me to speak my truth even though it may change.
Allowing myself to leave when I want,
Allowing myself to breathe…
Suicide will be with me wherever I go.
Instead of fighting it,
Instead of “Acting As If”
What I do is reveal.
If I feel sad well shit, I feel sad.
If I feel happy, great.
If I feel at all, cool and if I don’t?
I create and I communicate.
Solitude As Opposed To Isolate
Did you know I would call the suicide hotline while in LA?
For a month or so at a time.
I would also sit in my car and hold a razor blade and cry…
How would you know if I didn’t tell you?
When I speak about this time in my life,
Where I had suicide hotline on blast,
I can smile,
Suicide is no laughing matter… Or is it?
“All Comedians Go Home To Cry.” -R
It’s a heavy experience to have someone be here and poof!
It’s even heavier when they take their life.
Life is so simple but I can add so much shit to it,
Some days I can’t find my way…
Breathe Lil One… Open Your Eyes, Live Another Day…
When someone takes their life, it’s exactly just that.
Committing suicide is the only way one has absolute control.
But is that even so? Where do we go?
One thing I know?
If Body wants to get rid of me,
It can and it will.
That’s kind of terrifying ain’t it?
YES. IT. IS.
That’s why suicide can be so alluring,
Leading me to believe I have control over anything…
Now I don’t believe I don’t “have” control,
I do. I’m more in control of my mind then I’ve ever been in my life and I’ve noticed a HUGE difference.
My feelings, my thoughts, my mind…
Are not in control, I am.
I don’t “have” control,
Who’s The Boss
…And I adjust accordingly to “who’s” in control to help me.
Putting so much emphasis on happiness,
I MUST BE
Ain’t really living,
…I have found other “ways,”
Primarily Eastern, (delivered by Westerners)
What I have (am) learning…
And you know,
Sometimes I taste salt,
Sometimes I don’t.
Being open and talking about what IS as opposed to shoulds or wants is a must if I am to live accordingly to my word…
Word Is Bond
Please keep yer head (word) up.
When I hear Suicide I feel stuck.
It can also be triggered by “things as they are”,
As well as,
“I don’t give a fuck.”
I want to know about others, why they live the life they are.
I smile (eyes wide)
When I see another angry, crying…
It shows me they’re real,
And everything IS ok
It ain’t covered up.
I ain’t interested in your strength,
I’m interested in the weak,
Because when our eyes meet,
You and I
Cuz I see,
So on most days,
I don’t want to play
I ain’t much for Bullshit.
I feel and think a lot (WHICH IS GREAT)
But what can happen is I ain’t sure what to do with “all” of “it.”
Especially if it’s different and/or “incorrect” in the eyes of others.
If I’m not writing, shooting or working on creative endeavors,
I feel bored, restless. And when I’m around others who are not okay and pretend they are, I don’t know what to do, so I usually leave the room.
If I’m around others who think and feel and are open,
Inspiring, funny, “smart”, strange,
Allowing tears and pain…
I feel lighter and motivated to continue.
…But even then,
Suicide is always ’round the corner, whisperin’…
“Hey Heat, C’mere. Nothing you do matters.
You know this world will go on without you right?”
(Read the end quote, then come back:)
As I mentioned,
Eastern ways have influenced this Desert Heart.
I learn from Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism…
…All kinds of “Religions,” Philosophies, Science (and more “ism’s”)
But what helps me the most is the impermanence of “it all.”
And the underlying root of everything?
Be Here Now
…And while I’m here,
All these “ways” teach me,
Let that shit go
Speaking of “here”,
I can be anywhere cept where I am,
VERY EASY for me.
I tell stories…
Storytelling catapults me into different places, times, characters so much so, I have to work real heard at grounding.
I practice DBT skills as well as the “sitting.”
(I love saying it because it reminds me of my favorite word, TA-DAH!)
…I go to my meetings,
I listen to music,
I make music,
And you know who can be the most helpful when Suicide whispers my name?
Philosophers get me.
They make Mind focus,
It’s when I feel I’m all boxed in and conforming I want to “end it all”,
And philosophers always talk about how it’s already the end:)
…And how “none” of this matters, intrinsically.
How I can always begin…
There ain’t no such thing as SIN.
Ants, birds, flowers, wind, stars…
I’m not sure “how” Mind works,
You think there’s a difference between mind and brain?
One thing throwing me into the rabbit hole when I was in LA?
Becoming aware of just how easy it can be for YOU,
In my mind
Inside of your…
Self-discipline is something I work on everyday.
Especially when it comes to Mind.
Suicide don’t live anywhere other than there,
As well as emotions and feelings who too reside.
If I am to continue,
I must be the boss of my mind.
Sometimes its super hard.
When I get onto little hamster wheel,
I feel so sad or numb I ain’t able to write or even care about anything,
And when I don’t write or shoot or music or anything I love,
I feel depressed…
(And y a know? Sometimes I HATE what I love, but I know I must)
I speak and write a lot about MINDPOWER and I stand very close to minding my words I speak to you and to me.
I have learned and continue to learn about Mind and I hear everything Mind has to say but instead of Mind havin’ control of me,
I’m learning to be the boss,
And when something don’t sound right,
“Mind? I don’t wanna play…Homie.”
Sometimes I just sit and listen,
Other times I fight with and/or
Try to understand Mind…
(Some say me understanding I will never understand is “Nirvana”)
…That what goes on in between the ears is just that,
“Things” that go on in between ears.
Sometimes it’s cool
Sometimes not so cool
Most times it’s Nature who draws me back into life,
Letting me know,
I don’t have to think all the time
It’s not the thinking I must do
It’s the doing Heather…
I ain’t going to “live” life if I spend all my time living with my friend,
…And may I remind,
That’s where Suicide resides.
It’s a challenge for me most days.
My mind, thoughts, feelings etc…
…And when there are others?
Almost impossible…(Not all “others”)
Mind The Company You Keep
It’s a real trip to “think” a few years ago I was unable to be alone, Associating “alone” with lonely, sad, death, loser, not wanted, drinking, pilling, cutting, wanting, etc etc…
But now it couldn’t be more the opposite.
No longer is “alone” scary,
It’s alone becoming a part of,
Bringing me to my knees…
That’s the next step in my book.
The chapter where Heather leaves her cocoon…
(Fast forward into the future. I’m in Holland. I did it:)
Belonging where I am means just that.
Where I am now is where I am and where I am meant to be.
As long as I breathe,
I continue to be,
Cuz some don’t,
They stop continuing and that’s called disease.
I have lived with “all this” and have tried meds when I was forced to,
That didn’t last very long. At the moment I get a B12 shot once a week,
I take supplements and I eat what I crave, which most usually ain’t shitty.
(I crave spinach and eggs. Pasture raised! Hey!)
It’s important I mind what I eat.
I notice when I’m deep deep,
I eat like shit.
I also notice,
If I don’t stop to think and I just GET UP,
I won’t lie in bed for an hour contemplating “Why Why Why…”
It’s hard man.
Sometimes I envy others who open their eyes,
Have a smile on
And are glad…
Belonging where I am also means if where I am is feeling sad, so be it.
If where I am I don’t want to be, change it.
If where I am is where I am?
Remember where I was…
“Remember where you came from Heat.”
…And I weep.
(Literally. I’m crying right now)
It could be that I was listening to the Schindler’s List score…
Music Creates Heartbeats.
Sometimes I have to fight myself.
I have to stand up and say ” F U C K Y O U”
I have to tell that part of myself I am in control and they ain’t.
I have to also appreciate.
I wouldn’t change a thing about me.
I’d always sit next to Her…
This may seem like a lot of work (and it is) but it ain’t so bad.
It’s way better I do this then lie to you or myself and act as if I’m okay or happy when I ain’t,
Cuz Happiness and sadness are the same,
Just ones more accepted in this world while the other can make people turn away.
Experiences in my life haven’t always been pleasant or easy.
I don’t think I have ever chosen the easy way and when I did,
Suicide did it’s best to succeed, but something funny?
A force bigger then me stepped in and allowed me to be,
Suicide is a part of me and although it brings me to my knees,
It also brings me strength having living with all these man-made seeds.
Where Are Your Dreamers And Your Beautiful Dreams…
If you or someone you know is going through this shit,
Just be here for them/you. Or don’t. It’s up to you.
The best help I ever received was the help I was able to give to myself.
But that didn’t come easy.
It took this world to get me to stand on my own,
Suicide ideation is a mindfuck.
The lack of control and the feeling of being in control.
I work on what I can control.
I feel like I’m floating in space sometimes and my body is being put back together. Don’t worry, I’m not dissociating,
I think I’m just teleporting…
I think everything saves my life and I’d like to stick around to extend the same. I’d like others to feel and to know…
You Are All Hero’s
What else can we be?
This is crazy!
Don’t you think?
I value you
I value me…
…And where you are is where you belong.
If you’re open to working with this and those around you,
You’ll be golden and that’s one of my favorite colors.
“The Greatest Use Of A Life Is To Spend It On Something That Will Outlast It”