The cool life that doesn’t bite itself


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August 1, 2014, is a date reminding me, I’ve been through and can continue. I don’t cling to this date. It doesn’t weigh me down. I may even forget about it at some point too.

The sobriety I live doesn’t mean liberated from something, only to depend on something else. It indicates a clear, unobstructed mind, body, and soul… Whole.


After 5 years in hiding, what freedom do I choose? The freedom to be. The freedom to chose what kind of life to live, meaning, I allow you the very same thing. I still can learn much. I fuck up, get stuck, feel anger, frustration, isolated, sometimes lonely, other times despair. I also feel good, right, light, full of might, no longer 100% tortoise life, now it’s partially hare.

I hear I’m perfectly on schedule.

Here are thoughts and reflections from a day in August till now.
I’m ready.

I “should” celebrate today. Every other year I’ve texted friends, posted on my Instagram, took a chip briefly answering when asked: “How’d you do it?”
But today I’m quiet, resting in retrospect, eating carrots in bed.

Time is bizarre. Memories come with something, a feeling, perspective Etc, etc. When I remember this date, I remember it ALL, mostly fear. I was unable to face you, me, anything. So fear did what fear can do and took the lead. I felt like ants were below my skin running, incapable of slowing. Fear checked me into hospitals, delivered me to the Dez, threw me into “Treatment” facilities and sober livings; all the while, shoving me into the “rooms.” That’s where fear can lead. It leads. See what I mean? Fear had me relying on others for who I was, and who I was to be. But what fear really was doing, and sit with this for a moment, fear was showing me “me,” and this fear was (is) so dedicated, so determined, it led me to realization, pushing me towards Self-Actualization.

Today I remembered I wasn’t crazy I was onto something and that something was too much for me to handle without tools. Can you relate? Also, there’s a difference between crazy, madness, and insanity. Just saying.

… I’ve been pondering what love looks like, envisioning love unconditionally and loving unconditionally. Does love need to be anything? Does love have to mean? Can you love another even when you don’t want to? Can another love you even if they don’t love themselves? In my experience, it is possible, yes.

It’s also possible not to feel love AT ALL. Nope. Nah ah. Not one Bit. Then it all changes in a heartbeat. You’re about to pull the trigger, slash the wrists, take the pills, you’re about to end IT when all of a sudden, the phone rings and someone needs you, or an animal appears out of nowhere, or an idea comes to mind, pushing YOU aside. So you stop, increase the love you so desperately desire for yourself and hand it freely to someone and something else not noticing this IS love and love, love can also feel and look like this too… Pain.

True true true

Who really knows what love is. Yes, I know you’d like to, sometimes I would too, but how can anyone truly grasp that which one can not say? Can you?

Language Is A Tool

I remember the love offered and the ones rejecting it, including me to myself. Rejection nearly killed me, but now? Now rejection is a word I’m close with and accept. I see rejection proposing not right, as opposed to something that could be right.

It Is What It Is
*Super hard accepting this. But I have, I do, I did… And it ain’t passive*

Perhaps that’s why I’m writing this on my sober birthday. Rejection is one of the reasons I fled. Rejection used to follow love, ya feel me? Somehow, or in a matter of time, it would all get fucked up.

Fucked up can be great, especially when it shows me what is and what ain’t. Just sometimes, it hurts, it PAINS. That’s the kind of fucked up I hate. I don’t like hurting. I don’t like being in pain. I don’t like suffering.

Did you know researchers think ants don’t suffer? Mhmmm. Cuz ants don’t have emotions they say. When I read that I thought, “LUCKY THEM.” Then another thought happened, “What a gift it is to have emotions and suffer.” I also read ants question their knowledge. Same here. I can be like them, ants, no emotion and get shit done. I also question what I think. I love ants. I learn from them and consider myself part of their fam. Anytime I go into a city, I find the ants for grounding and perspective. I head directly for my people.

… My life was like Groundhogs Day. I wasn’t learning the real important shit, just repeating everything. It was the SAME SAME SAME, just different situations, and packaging. Do you want to know what that real important shit is? I thought so. The real important shit is this: I never learned what right (love) looked like. I’ll repeat that cuz it’s good…

*I’m yelling for the ones who are hard of hearing*

I can tell you what NOT right looks like, but as I write this, I think,
“Someone’s hate is another’s love, and another’s love is someone’s hate.”
Fuck me. All I know is what’s right for my life. But even “this” shifts constantly.

I’ve failed many times, rejected even more, maybe the same, my point? I don’t hold on to what I don’t like. I decide when to let go. You ask why I still suffer if I hold the key to suffering less? FAAAACK! What a great question. I held on until it was so unbearable because I was terrified. I resisted until I was so intimate with death and pain because it made me feel alive. I held on to letting go because that’s what I knew how to do. Maybe I did like pain. Maybe I did like suffering. Maybe I still do. I can say, me not being in pain, me not suffering, me letting go of the two, makes room for what matters. It makes room for another. It allows me to choose feelings and redirect focus to something tangible and what I can be in control of, ME. Plain and simple: Letting go allows me to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings so I am in control of my fate…

I ain’t much for that word faith

… Applying this method reduces hate allowing me to be warm and full of grace. I’ve softened my approach but still will bite if you dare. Some people consider you a bitch when direct. Do you know what I think? I don’t fucking care. Room for misunderstandings gets you and me in trouble. If you don’t believe me, check out the current state of affairs.

For most, perception is belief. Perception can be a HELL OF A DRUG, perception is to be believed. But not for me… I won’t try to convince anyone to do, say, or be. All I do is show you me. NOT EASY ALL THE TIME. Change has been painful, especially transforming my mind. But hey! It’s ok! You can do it too!
I brainwash all the time…

Clean Mind

I’ve sacrificed many lives and kinds I was becoming so I could expand into nothing. This may sound unusual to you but for me? It feels right and, I’m a bit wiser and a little bit riskier too. I disrupt and dissolve the construction of myself. I blink out of existence. I see through feeling. Maybe that’s why I keep going. It’s not in me to STAY one way. I look forward to meeting the “other” who’ll keep up. Up until now, no one’s been here to stay in that kind of way. But shit, neither have I. A thought comes to mind…

Why would you or I stay in a situation not right? Why would you or I keep doing the same, the same, THE SAME? Over and over, again and again? INSANITY. For me, I tried to do, be, make everything, right. If I was going to use the word “crazy”, it’d be this feeling…


Crazy has you trying. Crazy has you feeling you need something, to be loved, or whatever it is you feel you need. *I need love. I know this about me*
Crazy needs to prove. Crazy needs to make believe…

If only

Crazy also has you believing lies, passively accepting, suppressing, and not listening to yourself. I can go on and on with crazy because that’s what crazy is…


Staying anywhere, with anyone, when you don’t feel right and becoming someone you don’t like. That’s fucking crazy… But I have been known to be part crazy and just like fear, crazy can lead too…

Up To You

I don’t like feeling crazy. It feels man made. I think I’m heading towards a rabbit hole. So fuck off crazy, I’m out…


Many people are afraid to feel or rather, they feel what feels safe for them. Even if it’s pain and staying in the problem, what would they be without it? I notice because I can relate. I also notice people walking into roles created for them, unconsciously carrying out other wishes, leading them to their own(ed) self-fulfilling prophecies. I don’t hate much, but I hate that. I hate it because it’s confusing, I don’t like feeling confused nor do I like YOU confusing me. Shit, I don’t like you being confused. Why would anyone want to be that? It feels like a whole mess of people are confused presently. How could they not be? How could I not of been? I stepped into what’d already been made. I didn’t make it. I was confused. I was afraid. Now I ain’t…

The Only Way To Win Is Not To Play MAKE SENSE

The urge to take care of others is BIG since learning how to take care of myself. Taking care of others brings me peace and satisfaction. I don’t feel this all the time. I suppose my whole life I’ve fancied a family because taking care is what families do. I create families who feel right. They’re all over this planet. I’m not sure if I want a family all the time, or maybe it’s more like anything or anyone all the time. I’m not even “me” all the time. No one asks why you would have a family or a Small(s), but I know why. The answer brings a smile under mischievous wide-eyed eyes. I dream about this sometimes… Sigh

My highlight today was a dove. Instead of flying away as it normally does, it trusted me and stayed. I almost cried. I felt love from a dove. I’m aware I project feelings on the animal people. I don’t mind. The projections projected are love, trust, learning, and understanding. That’s how change changes. It comes into being with a thought, feeling, imagining. I’m generally on point with my senses, but what’s a true artist if they don’t take lies and make ’em into truth… Or is it take truths and make ’em into lies?


Where are you when you don’t know where you are?
Oh yes, this place, HERE

5+ years ago I ran to the desert. We know this. I’m super over going backwards, but I will for this. I hopped on a flight and met someone from the treatment center I entered. Those places can be tricky, but I made it through. The ones I didn’t trust showed me I must trust myself. How many did I trust? None. Who says I have to?

2014 Me to Me:
“Heather, please learn to trust yourself.”

I don’t know how or why we all come together, but it happens. Everyone I’ve met stays with me in some way. John Falcone told me some years ago the people in my life would change if I was growing. He was right.

“The greatest insult to a teacher, is remaining the pupil.”
It’s hit me to stop looking for answers. Stop looking…

You Good Kid

What feels good about today?… Ah yes… The possibilities. Also, the fearless thing. These days I keep my shit clean meaning, you know what I mean, I’m not fake. I won’t lie to you or me. Well, most times, what can I say, never always. If you’re not like me, FUCKING AMEN. That’s more than ok, it’s great. And hey, if you get in a mess I can support you. What will I do? Encourage…

Find You

I may be at a distance, but over time, if you help yourself and are doing it, I’ll get close because you’re getting close with you. I’ve also been known to contradict myself, so there’s that too. Sometimes you need to get messy with others. All things aside. I can do anything now.
*It doesn’t have to be a mess, I like clean… A lot.*

That’s it right there… I’m really close to clean and dirty. Just took a minute to be ok with everything. I’m proud of myself. I can feel. I can choose what to think.
I can smile. I can laugh. I can cry. I can feel hate. I can hate. I can feel love.
I can love…

I can make I can make

… It happen. I trust myself now.


Love is not confusing, people can be. I do this thing now where I make decisions without even deciding. I’m thirsty to make my life how I see right, and how the mind’s eye, sees fit…

How To Be Whole Even When Feeling Incomplete

… This is what I’ve learned in 5 years.

Oh. One more thing…

Words have become meaningless to me.



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You can read Part I here

“Sometimes it takes living for another to live for yourself.”
I sit with this statement quite often. I wrote this when wrapping my head around the word character and you see, I’m not quite sure… Of everything.

The ongoing “battle” I have inside is much more interesting than the one between you and I. That battle I’m referring to is a little word called Integrity. Integrity comes from the word Integral meaning Whole… This is what matters to me. I’m not interested in being “Me”… I’m focused on returning…
To whom I already am…


It’s easier for me to walk away from you now, but it’s much harder for me to walk away, run from, leave, abandon… Her, Me, We. Yes Yes Yes, all of us inside this little body. Selfishness can be… A Virtue. I ain’t sure what to do about everything. Have you noticed? Everything can be a lot. When I meet everything head on, I’m met with panic, fear, overwhelming… But when I start small, one thing at a time, I’m finding this to be, perhaps, the other side…

Break On Through

The spotlight has shined on me these years. Little by little, step by step…
One thing at a time helps my character named integrity. I’ve learned it ain’t so much what others do and/or say, but what I say and/or do…

Hey Hey Hey True True True

Keeping track of anything can be challenging. Shit, keeping track of myself is most important. Keeping track of you? Them? They? She He Her Him??? Oy vey. Too much. This is where the next word I’m introducing is a must…


I’m one of those creatures who see you when you ain’t there. I hear you when you don’t say anything, most notably, I feel you when you try to hide what’s “there.” *Puts hand on heart… Stares* All this I’ve learned, with time, I can live with. Why? Because while part of integrity may be living for others, my character must live with me first.

Tupac once said,
“Don’t believe everything you hear: Real eyes, Realize, Real lies”
In order to apply this outside, I start inside. Lies don’t hide very well. They come out eventually, yes, time does tell. Sometimes it YELLS… Do you ever hear a faint whisper of truth inside of you? Has it gotten louder or quieter?

Who are you listening to?

I’ve lived with paranoia most of my life. See, trauma does that. Do you know what else does? Opinions made facts… And learning. Sometimes the paranoia’s high, but mostly I live with a healthy low grade. When I meet someone who isn’t paranoid in the least, this is a red flag for me… But when I meet someone who has allowed paranoia to drown them, I can relate…

Flying Monkeys

I’m not sure why I do what I do.
Did you choose your morals or were they chosen for you?
I do know I’m compelled and if I don’t, if I adhere to your ways, not allowing me to discover what’s right for my life, I feel like I’ve already died. And I’ve died so much this lifetime, I’m enjoying being alive at this time.

I’ve put a lot of thought to who’s made me… Who’s Making Me
Who I look up to and who’s inside…


… Some in this world hold an idea for what’s right, the way you and I should be.
*Yes, even me. Sometimes* … But I have a choice. I don’t know “that.” No one told me “this.” I figure it out. KEEP GOING. That’s what I’m learning…

Right questioning


Subconscious Programming

I know when I don’t feel right, I feel wrong… And not the kind of wrong where I have to Hail Mary to become clean again, the kind of wrong that doesn’t feel RITE. I don’t need someone behind anything to save me.

It can be super hard to remain solid in a world constantly crumbling… But I keep hearing…”Heather, Mind Company.” See, I hear myself quite fine, can you? So stop telling me what I need, what you want, what you think I must do, but what you aren’t doing…


I’ve noticed my world has become (Death’s) proof and I’ve been told, if I didn’t trust someone or something if I (it) don’t feel right… I don’t need proof. Why?

I Am The Proof

You’ve heard the saying:
“Insanity Is Doing The Same Thing Over And Over Again Expecting A different Result”. I apply this to what I see, hear, and ask myself the following:
Is it sanity or insanity destroying everything, or is it a must…

Insanity Turned To Dust

… That nothing is changing everything? NO BOUNDARY… Apeiron
No one wins anything when neither feels complete. When I’m speaking to you, I’m listening.

In my life, I have been the one holding the gun. I have been the one taking you for a ride. My character was and still can be… Hard to find. The character being built is someone who doesn’t try but does. It’s a fucking mess sometimes…


… I’m not talking about passive acceptance but acceptance of what can I change? THIS is the “Everything.”

No More Will I Compromise

Do you know what Patti Smith said was the best piece of advice she’s ever received?

To: Patti Smith
From: William S. Burroughs
“Your Name Is Your Currency”

I love a good name, even more, I love names I ain’t able to name. Most important, I rid names who shame blame guilt and frame. I wouldn’t rid your name if you told me your way, no need to explain…


My name isn’t “Heather”, it’s how “It” makes you (and I) feel. When I think about that word I too can be a criminal… A Thief… ‘Cept instead of misdirecting you or me, I keep my shit clean and I tell you, SHOW YOU exactly what I mean. I don’t like being confused and I ain’t much for misleading. I can very well do just like you, what I say and write comes from this place and at times that too…

We Are Our Own(ed) Truths

… But something in me just aint’ able to hold in no more. I’m unable to be “something” I am not…


After so many lives maybe the best one is now. I’ve been told I may very well be on a 1,000-year journey (I’m exhausted. No, not really) The life I live and the being(s) inside? I don’t doubt, trust me, I’ve tried.

Here’s where we come full circle. There are many who want you to listen to them. But for me? I want to hear you… Even if you scream. I believe angry. It goes along with me believing someone who’s drunk. Make sense? I hope so. I don’t like judging people, I’ve learned from observing. Most times it’s all an act and it’s usually hiding something… Pain.


People can be really comfortable in conflict, and I? Sometimes I just start shit because I need that hit. I’ve tried to blame, it doesn’t work, don’t look good on me, and lately, I’ve had enough… Worlds Colliding … I’ve had enough of people blindly stepping into a role designed for them. By who you are asking? …

Them (selves) FUCK YOUR SYSTEM

So what do you do? What would you do if another’s name is paying at the cost of yours? … And it’s you. I say LEAVE IT. That’s what I do.


… That’s what I can do to. Maybe this is what that little voice “Kill me please” means. Not literally kill myself. Killing the kind I was becoming and/or the one no longer serving me…


To put any blame on anyone is ridiculous (but people can) and sometimes…
Me Too. Blaming leads further and further away, I’d rather get to my roots. Kinds who don’t think twice about words, not because they don’t understand, but because they do and… Leave it up to you.

Show Me Your Name And I’ll Show You Mine





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… My thoughts about “Art” and the “World At large”

I’m sitting in the California Desert. It’s my home base, kind of.
I’ve learned recently, I am home which means (and could possibly explain) why I wander, roam, why I move around so much, and why I can make my home anywhere… It’s also in my blood, my ROOTS, my ways, and my touch…

Starry-Eyed Visionary (Immortal)

The Art (World)! The Art (World)! What Can I say???
That’s the thing ’bout this World At Large and Art… Most times I find silence impressing me…

… Something unexplainable, wordless compelling me to stop.
Stop thinking, please just stop

Something or someone encouraging me to feel, to remember…
“Heather, this is what you are too… This is you.”

My work allows me to stop. It may not seem like it, I do do a lot, but I learned some time in the “past,” non-doing and doing just may very well be the same “thing.” When I am called, I willfully accept it to speak…

You Can Lead You Can Lead

… I gravitate towards(it)what or who causes me to levitate and sometimes they already be levitating… Maybe that’s “It”… Weightless. Jokai would say, “Maybe.”

Sometimes sound is silent
Sometimes silent is sound
Sometimes silent…

The eyes, the hearts, the minds, the times…

The World can be found…


Silent resides
Silence inside
Silently all rites…


It can be my (and/or in) mind…

Amidst Clouds In My Coffee
My Heart Amok Devotee
Imagination Are We…?

… Are all knocking, stalking, crawling, hopping, roaring, watching, flying, dropping, running, falling, stopping… Unlocking.

I was asked to write about “Art” and “The World At Large”, have been working on and off this piece for some months now. I’ve deleted, added, stopped, began… Over and over… Again and again… But this one is the one I will send. Why Heather? Well, I’m glad you asked. Let me start fresh…

Horse’s Mouth

Hello, My Name Is Heather…

Some years ago, I came running out here to THE DEZ.
I felt afraid, hurt, suicidal (and sometimes homicidal which is super scary).
You name it I had STOPPED… Being… Alive.

Cancer Is Currency

… See, I was trying to get out of this lil body who felt as if a million ants lived underneath skin.
I was IN PAIN… Sufferin’. What lead me here I ain’t entirely sure, I will say…

“It’s a fucking great thing… To be… Not sure.”
Fuckin A

Something learned, the following:
Yes. They can. Be.

… Wor(l)ds really got a hold of me or did I them?…

There were countless moments isolated in my DTLA warehouse taking wor(l)ds apart.
The Target Draws The Arrow

… This creates two wor(l)ds and possibly the root of the… Wor(l)d

I also saw wor(l)ds in color. So much so, it would take me hours to send one email. Not only did I have to put arrows through them (because this denotes their importance, duh) Now it had to be in color.

This IS (was) IT
The wor(l)ds I live(d) in
Imagination LARGE… 7th place

For some years I thought I was something other than what I may already be…
Or just am.
We Already Are

… And you know? It can feel real shitty when yer left holding own(ed) hand,
especially when they ain’t connected…

To be left alone
To be left
To be

What happened?

… I’ve been in the Dez for 4+ years and worlds are colliding. Instead of living in the past I imagine my past changing… My future I amaze out loud, “Wow.” I use it to help me as I step into it… Madness

I dig what Osho once said, “Burn Your Bridges. Go Forward.”

I was alone (for the most part) towards end of OVERADECADEINLA… The ones by my side during these times made sure I was ok. They held my rope, and they did their best to make me feel ok. That’s fucking art. Taking care of each other. Especially when’s someone’s outta their mind… Wait? OR IN(it)…

That’s how I came to my senses you know… In san IT y


Fast forward to where I am now…

Do you know everything I came runnin’ out here with I have/am/can be?
Ya know it’s still in me?
To do (be) it… ALL AND EVERYTHING…

… The difference from then and now is the same even though it’s different.
It’s It. What Is It?

I don’t know for sure and neither do you.

… This is why it’s a must you find out for yourself. The only reason why I’m here is to share the stories of lives lived, mine, the ones who are no longer here, and the ones who can’t or are unable to… Oh, and some only I can see.
**You can see (it) too, but you’re not paying attention. You ain’t listening.**

The work I do people say is ART. Shit, I suppose (I)t can be. Struggle, vulnerability, focus, obsession(s), constant questioning, imagining, feeling, thinking… Why Am I Me… Hold up, I think… It’s me.


… I think so. That’s why I keep going.
Do you know what you’re struggling for?

Did you know I’m able to answer someone when asked, “Where are you?” It’s been some years for me to be able to say, to be okay, with… Here. I’ve never really been able to answer that other one… “How are you?” Thank god I don’t have to anymore.

(I’m in a good place. Thanks.)

It’s strange putting all of you into it and becoming complete. It’s even stranger when it ain’t you…
Who. Are. You. Why. Are. You. You.

… It’s even stranger stranger when IT gives to you…

Sometimes it’s quite the opposite… Both you and it uncover, reveal, let the cat out of the bag… But instead of feeling lighter, you’re left feeling drained, on display, heavy, man-made, soulless, meaningless, pointless, fading away…

HEATHER! Forget All The Shit I Say!
Ok. Ok…. OKAY

… Not that thinking or opinions or words are shit, I just don’t hang on to what you or I say as much as I used to. When I do, when I just can’t shake it…

I Sit With It… When I feel shook…

Hanging on to letting go

… I listen.
Man, what if more people just fuckin’ listened? There’s an art to that you know…


It seems gobs of “Art” and the “World At Large” listen to something other than it. Something and/or someone (else) rather than that voice inside that can get super hard to hear… But it ain’t going nowhere.
It seems to be taking a back seat to something that has absolutely no value…


I know I know…
WTF are you saying Heat? Money has no value?
No currency?

No. It does not. It’s what I do with it allowing it to take shape. Let me ask you something? You listening? Okay. COOL. Great…

“Can you tell me the difference between money real and money fake?”

… Now what ’bout ART?
(Which I kind of feel is smaller than You and I may thank…)

Can I tell you my take? Not A God Damn Thing.
*But there is this word… “Law.”

Which reality is real and what is real really? I suppose all and everything. This one and that. For me, it’s the one I live and listen to, directing me…

They’re Trying To Tame You
Don’t Let ’em**

What would you do if you were free?

Sing Sing Sing

Well?… What would you do? Without What are you doing? With

Wiping The Mirror Clean

Why (if you ain’t) are you (not) doing it? I’m listening…

Tag, you’re it… Just Like Me

Most want to be heard, seen, watched and given green, but who’s listening? Are you? Who me??

… Or are you paying someone to believe… In.
What makes you listen? What stops you in your tracks, makes you shut the fuck up,
Eyes wide, you just may die, heart attack… And what is?… “Who’s asking???”

It Either Is Or It Ain’t

One of my favorites? … HAKIM BEY
Chaos Never Died
Damn rite.

I ain’t much for any kind of label or titles, I can see how they may (can) be helpful, so sometimes I use ’em, but this one in particular can be real tricky for me…. Art(ist) It wasn’t until I heard…

“An Artist Is Someone Who Does Something Skillfully Without Knowing How They Did It.”-Alan Watts

“Dat me”… I thought

… I have no idea how I am doing what I do. I didn’t go to school for this and I also tend to feel we’re always in school. The creatures and all whom reside? Our teachers, mentors, and US? It is our responsibility to listen ask hear feel … Cause And Effect What Matters To Us.
*This ain’t hard at all, take a good look at your life…
Now take out all the differences.

With that, I’m going to ask you to find out for you. It’s what I do…
And it’s what many others have done and do too.

*I think IT is love
Continuing to hold us together
Helping us whole forever
Light As A Feather
As we’re meant to be
Flying High
“Return to who you are. Belong where you are. You and I are IT.
We make worlds larger and larger by taking care of one another.”

*You can quote me on this

“Art” and “The World At Large” are the same. They are the greatest forces of love… You and Me. Also… I feel glue should not come from horses or any animals anymore.
Please and thank you.




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When I write, I’m finding out. No pre-determined fate for these pages, it’s all about lessening doubt. I can say that about all the work I do. It’s to find “Me” yes, but I’m also finding “You” too.
Love? Where are you?

… This is from a piece I wrote, “Just Love” and what I say is true. I’m not sure what your definition of a “mistake” is, but for me? There ain’t no such thing…

Who. Made. You.

We learn this word “Mistake” from those who’ve made, telling us what’s real and what’s fake. Who is anyone to say anything about failing and/or mistakes except for the person who creates. If you’re reading this and you think anything you’ve made has been or is a mistake? I assure you, this is what will make you… Break … And I stand by breaking. It’s a must.


… This is why you’re different, and goddamnit, I’m not interested in the same. I’m interested in the interesting. Whatever’s interesting holds my attention, my time, me myself and I. I can tell you what does not hold my attention… Illusions, masks and art schools.

Can I tell you something? You could say everything I do, everything I make is a mistake. Why? Because when I make, the only intent is freeing… And maybe, just maybe, my free will free yours too. I’ve been learning free does not come (or go) without warning, you know what’s what and who’s who. So I’ll ask you again, a bit different this time…

Who. Makes. You.

When making, the intent is without judgment. She’s clear, an open channel.
I’m not sure if you think you know a thing or two, but everything you’ve been taught, most of what you’ve learned, who you think you are, have been put into place… For you.
You are part of a system who use words such as:
RightWrongMistakeGoodBadEvilGodDevilHeavenHell Etc. Etc…

… (Have) You willingly walked into a role made for you.(?)
If there was anything remotely close to a mistake, maybe it would be thinking you and I are something other than what we already are or thinking we would be better if…

Only I can find out for myself, and you for yourself. Why do you think I write, shoot, depict, make films, music? I do this because I ain’t’ much for that. I don’t care so much about what you think, I care if they’re your own thoughts and if you can feel yourself. I don’t look for the differences between you and me, I note this… Intrinsicness…


I don’t believe in sin and I don’t believe in hierarchy. That’s man-made. I’m interested in when YOU begin and they end…


What’s going on? Again And Again
Everything’s a circular motion… No one wins… Maybe. Where are you? Where have you come from and where are you goin’? I ain’t much for something (or someone) staying one way, not allowing or giving the gift of change, evolving, expanding… Into something else. I’ll tell you a secret…

Somethin’ else is my fav. Knowing can bore me real fast… Ya know? I think I just may love mistakes…

How do you or I know we’ve made a mistake? Do you ever think you’re a mistake? *I’ll tell you something else… You could even say my life was/is a mistake. Shit I could too* But then who would make what I make? Would you? Who would give ya a shake, and who would tell you to wake… Da fuck up.

They’re Tryin To Tame You

How do you know this word mistake? Probably ‘cuz someone told you what was right but left out the for them part. Words can be tricky. That’s a fact. People leave a lot of shit out but can also add a bunch of shit too. I ain’t much for shit.

At least, maybe not the same shit as you…

I prefer to stare at a painting where the one making maybe had no idea and just went with it. Or an idea and it was shot to shit. I dig words on pages to be automatic. My interests are sparked when I see a photo that ain’t any “one” kind of perfect… So much art is taught, just like morals, value…

Who and What is value? Did you make your morals or were they given to you?

… If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I’ve always lived in reality. No matter what anyone has or continues to say…

My teachers have been these streets
… Have been my strengths

So imagine if I deemed all this “shit” a mistake… No thanks

Check it, I have no idea what a light meter is. I have no idea about apertures, gadgets, never cared about that shit. I don’t care too much about punctuations, I make up my own words too. I follow music, I don’t try to control it, nor do I have any idea what note I’m playing or key I’m in. You see these words you’re reading? I don’t know where they’re coming from… I could say me, but that ain’t too satisfying.

With my work, I’m free to be and sometimes it’s not me it’s someone else or some “thing”. I’m interested in learning especially when it comes to improving my ways and/or my work…

It’s Time To Refine

… Intent is the most important for me. If I can learn something new, I’m all about it. I ain’t close-minded nor am I heavily dependent on any one way…

Stray Cat Stray

My brain works differently than most. When a word gets changed on a text let’s say, I see this new auto corrected word and BOOM! A whole other perspective is made. When others talk, I make sure they’re expressing their own POV. Before I digest what you’re saying I change your lips, speaking for me, speaking for we, into speaking for your me.

Protect Yo Self
It’s ok, most haven’t a clue safety does not come in numbers, safety is you…

I also see words and numbers in color and take words apart, creating different and multiple meanings. Some say this is lateral thinking, others say paranoia, mad, genius, a hustler… baby. One thing I love about me?…

I Can Make Sense Out Of Insanity
Can you?

With my depictions, if I even try to think, or have an idea, it’s all downhill.
Shit… Everything I do doesn’t have just my hand in it, most usually it is only these hands… I just bare witness. *See, if you use the word Bare instead of Bear, a whole other world opens up*

… But hey, if you’re the kind who loves to criticize, I feel for you… Why? Because ones quick to judge, say they’ve made a mistake, tell you you’ve done the same *Not even to your face*… These are the kinds who keep same alive. These are the kinds you allow to control your life. Strange, these are also the kinds who many idolize… These kinds wish they could take a chance, proceed with risk…

Additionally, these kinds can (and will) change their minds as soon as that “mistake” becomes currency. But if you are a true artist, if you don’t make to please and aren’t shy to cry…

Dues And Fees

… If your work reveals something about you that they hide? It may very well inspire and cast away their one side allowing another form to take shape… Changing their own(ed) lives and possibly living as opposed to just waiting…

Dying Trying

…Figuring out how to live.
Take a look at some of your mentors or humans whose work resonates…

Find the common denominator
Total Sum Equates… MISTAKES

I only care about real and sometimes reality can be a mistake so hey, let’s change that word, change the game and label it for what it can be… FATE
I do this to provoke thought and feeling
Now forget all the shit I just said… Just Make xx-h->




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Have you ever wondered where words come from?
So I research, find out…

Words come from other words, most notably, a word can come from a feeling.
Feelings Words A Place

Are you content (comfortable) with a word(s) summing you up?
Total Sum Equates

… Because for me?
I will never be Satisfied nor will I be able to fully describe and/or capture,
This Or That
Me and You
You and Me
With just a word… CHARACTER
Ya feel me?

The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.
A characteristic, especially one that assists in the identification of a species.

-Oxford Dictionary

I’ve been working on this since October, so maybe you can see why,
Revise #35…
This and That “Character” can be hard to write about.
“A distinctive mark”
“A trait”
“A description”
My fav?
“A stamping tool”


… What has me sitting in the dark, some months later, isn’t the
character of another, it is the character of ME…
Questioning Herself, yet again.

I can be a whole list of “things.”
I can be whatever, whomever I want to be. And sometimes?
Sometimes I can be a real fucking asshole.
I can be righteous, spiteful, resentful, ANGRY…

I dig when She’s angry (I just winked) Why?
Anger shows me what I need to work on, what ain’t working, and also shows me what I’m willing to fight for… Neither holding on to any one side.
In Between…

Brave New Worlds

You know what I heard the other day?
“Difficult people are blessings.”
What kind of difficult are we talking? Some could say I’m difficult.
I’m unwilling to give you Her at the cost of “Me.”
I’m unable and mentally incapable of bullshitting…

Pretending To Be

My mind works with my heart. This is what I work on CONSTANTLY.
I cannot control “Your” perception of “Me” but I will tell ya one thing,
I’m not asleep. *Although I should be really. It’s 5:30(AM)

I think for some years I have looked so hard for something…

I have looked and looked. INSIDE AND OUT.
I have looked inside of you and inside of me, I have come from a place of understanding, primarily with others, so I may understand “Me.”

… But as I sit, now with the light on, as I sit, I realize…
Love don’t need and I don’t need you to understand me. I don’t need me to understand you. I don’t even need to understand myself. I’m here to learn about “Me” until I haven’t any…Misunderstandings

I speak a lot about taking care of each other, allowing others to be. I speak a lot about what I believe I yearn for yet have found myself contradicting…


… It doesn’t feel good, and I ain’t sure what feels good anymore, I know writing always helps… Music, filmmaking, photography, friends, horses, animals, bugs, coffee… LEARNING

Funny thing about what helps me though, I can starve myself to the point of non-existing. I resist and resist… Days, weeks, years…
I listen to the voice inside who says,
“Heather. Please kill me.”

As much as I write and speak about sameness-Connection-and how we all must connect with ourselves first, I’ve noticed I’ve disconnected. I feel as if I’m only these big brown eyes, watching through something or someone else’s body.
And I Weep… Right now I see I see I need to help Her… Me.

I Have A Lot To Learn
*This is my new mantra

Begin writings (thoughts) about a word named “Character”…


What does one do? In any situation…
Some say the way you handle yourself is in fact how you build character, or is your Character but what exactly is character? Do you think due to its label, character can still be a role one is playing? And wouldn’t that allow, even mean… The character built or building ain’t even real… Intrinsically

Right now is hard. I don’t want to say the cliché…

Either You Is Or You Ain’t

… Duality is something I’m constantly ridding, but the thing is, I ain’t the only one trying to rid…
I take duality away, and what I’m left with is another and another’s…
Other’s who say but do differently. Other’s who do and blatantly say they don’t.
It is. It’s not. And have me questioning…


“What about you Heat?”
This is 2018, the year of Me, She,We…
All of us, inside of this little body.
Thanks for reminding.

Does duality stem from those around?
Or does duality come from a source?

Mind Subconscious Underground

… Trying to trap me, make my true sound Lie… Honne

I’ve noticed my “Character” has been influenced,
I’m trying to remember when it wasn’t…
Can you?

Who Is Valuable … And what is value?

How can you be close with unreal?
I find the hardest part about being in any kind of relationship is the
time I give. Lately I feel like I’m wasting time…
I’m giving I’m starving I’ve neglected… What’s Mine?
I’ve been building a relationship with myself these years and there have been many hardships. On the other side of that coin, the years have also brought grace and peace. I can look back… Reflect Remember… That feeling That think.

When I feel a feeling, or a think, I ain’t sure I want or know I mos def do not want, I do things differently. Or at least, I do or don’t only to do then don’t do again…

Rinse And Repeat

Duality, ceasing to be… Anything.

The thing is, when I accept another in my life, I have expectations and can struggle with this (I struggle with my own expectations. I put a lot of pressure on Her) I work on seeing what is and this has proven to be the opposite of what it isn’t.


… And let’s just clarify something, what are you struggling for?
I also want to tell you my epiphany today…

Expectations are not goals. Expectations are not dreams.
Expectations are how or what I would like someone, something and/or me to be and that’s crazy! Why Heat? Because expectations are DENIED REALITY.
If I want someone or myself to change, be or do things differently…
If I have goals, ambition, drive…
If I fulfill my own needs, the difference between is…
I’m trying to control You.
I’m trying to control Me.
I’m trying to control Everything.
I don’t want to control or change you, I want that to be…

In Your Hands

… And let me clarify something else,
I’m not wanting to be with anyone if I’m being made into some
“thing.” But here’s some more honesty… I Am… Responsible For Me.

I will call you out if I care because I do that for myself now.
I practice what I preach.

All Hat No Cattle

I do try to make other’s responsible,
MAN I TRY! But with anything I “try,” comes failing.
I heard somewhere,
“Failing Is A Wonderful Idea. Yes. Indeed.”
When I’m “in” anything, I no longer see.
I’m ME ME ME and She (Me) feels A LOT, thinks a lot…

So when all I’m doing is feeling mixed with thinking, not only is that hard to upkeep, I’m also…

Outta Touch With Reality

It can be hard not to expect,
so what I work on is “lining up.”
If I see what is Cause And Effect
I’m somewhat able to tell the future…

Self-Fulfilling Prophet

This ain’t hard at all, take a good look at your life…

Now take out all the differences.

I work for some sort of “balance” and most times that balance is flying high or falling low, I don’t know… Balance So So
I’ve realized the company I keep has a tremendous effect on me, especially my own company. Having said this, I like to be alone but I also struggle with it. I didn’t used to want to be alone but when experiences happen, the kind flipping you inside out, kills you, changes your mind, penetrates your heart…

You aren’t able to be around “people.”
Especially when it’s pain, disguised as Love.

Sit Still Sit Little Dove

It’s been super challenging lately to be still, since tapping into others,
maybe you can understand….

I’m with the Band (width)

It was easy for me to take “You” on,
and it can be even easier for me to See Through Machines.
Many don’t see, through themselves. They haven’t a clue on why they live in pain, but I do, so when it starts to shake my world… I know I’m onto something.

I Rather Be Wise Than Right

Intuition is always on my side, yet this “character” I hide yearns to cast aside what she sees, feels and finds… All to feel and be Loved, Saved, and Changed.

… And to break you and your dishonest ways… THE TRUTH

When someone says they don’t know who they are, that may be the case, but their actions, not their words, will reveal their chosen face…

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
-Maya Angelou

Whatever, I can still try real hard to make “it” different.

I know what helps and what hurts me, yet I still fight myself to do anything other than what may kill me. I have these moments where I feel good, dare I say great! Only to feel like shit the very same day. Speaking of which, unless I have a strict routine, my mood swings, my emotions rollercoaster and my mind spins…

Do I Have a schedule? No, but I’ve sure been thinking about it.

Stay Wild

Feels good to get it out.

How do you have any relationship with another and not lose but gain?
I feel as if I already have SO MANY INSIDE. I’ve worked my ass off for Her, the thought, idea, I need to be some “thing” other than me, even if I question the hell out of what “that” means… Can be terrifying. So why do I continuously seek out, see those who tie me up… Barbed Wire Grip Spider Web Deceit…

Shadow Me

I used to lose me and gain too many unhealthy… CHARACTERS
Now, I don’t make time to live life along side ulterior motives hiding behind…

Leopard Spots

… My first thought for seeking “out” is fear.
I can still get scared thinking about my world without, to the point I picture myself having a breakdown. I have these all the time. (You should try)

Without world consumes me, like the fireball in The Fifth Element.
It just gets bigger and bigger…

Some can take and takeFeedDisease Hate Blame Shame Use Abuse VictimMentality

I don’t buy it
I Have Nothing To Sell

I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into (an)other(s), but what is this?
Is giving your time, your mind, your heart…

Your Life

… Is this just a way to prevent myself from following through with mine?
Or is this what some may say is…

The Divine

If this is, and this is my destiny, do I have to accept?
Is not accepting accepting? Or can I just say…

The Sun Doesn’t Shine Because I Can See

Would you agree…

Sometimes You Have To Live For Others To Live For Yourself

…Or disagree?

I’m finding true self sees this as the same thing…



No Love Lost


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Not being with someone is hard, but sometimes being with them is even harder.
Can you tell me the difference between not being with someone and them (or you) ceasing to be?

I Write Love Letters… To The Dead

As I’m sitting in the Dez,
I hear birds, cars in the distance, wind, trees…

I also hear inside of me weeping as she is trying to “keep it together.” I hear that a lot… “Keep It Together Heather.”

… Whether it’s from someone else or me,
About someone, or just remembered throughout my life,
“Keep it together” are 3 words I’m not sure I agree with.

What if you don’t keep it together?
What happens if you “lose” it?
Ain’t that a good thing?
It’s been great for me to lose my shit and ya know?
There may have been times in lives I would have regret,
Shoulds and Thoughts to do differently, but had it not been for me not keeping it together, had it not been for me to lose my “shit”, I wouldn’t have what I have now…
I wouldn’t have…

Me And My Shadow

I “lose” it all the time.
In my car, alone, with someone…
I lose it all so I may rid what’s no longer serving me,
Ya dig?

I think “losing it” is the closest thing to enlightenment,
When I have nothing, when I am nothing, no one, no way,
I begin to understand, I will never be able to be free.
Why? Cuz I already am…

What do you think is normality?
Or, a normal way to handle… Anything.
If you just sit on this,
Do you think it may change?
I read somewhere to cease all contact for 60 days,
This is the “norm” for one’s brain and heart to recover from splittin’ parts…

But do I ever recover… fully?
Have you?
Do I want to?
Do you want to?
How do we recover and more importantly, why?
And if I may take it a bit further,
WTF am I or you recovering from?


It’s been some months since I wrote this and as I am editing, I find it real strange it only takes months to eradicate feelings for somebody you had feelings. Does this mean while with ’em it wasn’t “real”? Or does this mean it only takes a certain amount of time to get through anything? Even if this is a person you were with everyday and/or someone close with who ain’t on this planet no more… And if I dig a little deeper, the feelings left after some time flown by aren’t good or bad at all, they just are. May sound harsh, but I’m learning it’s really as simple as that.

Relationships can be real strange,
I’ve found myself either always wanting to be with you or trying to run away.
I’ve just answered a Koan and if I may?
Put quite simply… DOA

No meaning

When I am direct with either you or me,
I am able to differentiate and see clearly,
But when I try to add anything, say, for example, meaning,
I’m left runnin’ in circles not knowing where to go or what to say.
I’d like to be able to tell you about my experiences in life and with others are/is simple, I ain’t sure if it is (or if they/we are)…

But you want to know another thing?
I don’t think I’m ready.

Fragmentary Veracity

When I love, I love… It never goes away.
Love doesn’t hide, don’t run, love doesn’t hurt and no, happiness ain’t a warm gun. Although… It can change into hate quite easily for me. I’ve had a real hard time accepting those two may very well be the same thing…


Most everyone I know is A Lot. And by this I mean there’s a lot of lives, a lot of feelings, a lot of thoughts, a lot of experiences. Some choose to push aside what I see shining behind and others? Others chose to have the A Lot weigh ’em down, push and pull thoughts…

I Wonder What It’s Like… To Be You

I’ve learned every experience and every person in my life up until now is… It
What it is I ain’t sure, I’ll get back to you on this.
(Which is why I’m here, writing to you and wondering…)

Did I do the right “thing”

… I don’t know. I don’t know if what I’ve done is right or wrong,
I ain’t sure if the choices I’ve made throughout my life have been good or bad,
I suppose it’s how I look at “this” or “that” and you know? I like to see everything…

When I see you, I see I see…Me

So here I am thinking,
“Does anything mean anything?
Or is that what I just tell myself to get me through,
Get me by, get me past… Another woeful memory”

Ya ever love so much it became hate? Or vice versa?
You ever love the idea but when met with actual…

“Oh shit”… Run away?

Ya ever want the world for someone, so you give yourself… Entirely?

What do you do when you feel as if they’re near but in your mind,
You had to finish…

The Horse And I

Me and Him.

Has anyone said to you,
“Now be nice, what if they were to die tomorrow?”
HELLO, that’s a mindfuck ain’t it. But what if…

What if…

Would you do or be anything other than who’s reading?
Would you wonder or say differently?
Would you?
Would you?

Would I?

My mind enjoys traveling. It’s real good at it too.
I practice a lot of ways just to be able to listen to you.
When you speak, I’m deciphering… “What do they really mean”

True False True

I’m “here” but not, I’m already past your words and in yer heart.

It’s just my nature

You think our time “here” is limited? Or you think “time” is limiting?
No one I know seems to grow like others do, most look the same since leaving LA, the only way I can tell if someone has really changed? I feel it…

And most times it’s fleeting.

You Owe Me A Feeling

I feel others in a way that can be quite frightening. (For you and I)
I used to think it was a curse, still can think that,
But if I practice this
“What is it” has me continuing, going, keeping on, finding out, but mind?
Mind has me unraveling…

Ball And Chain

I love minds almost as much as I love love.
Minds are beautiful…

Love Vs. Lust

I think that’s the hardest part ’bout my mind,
Being my mind.
So much goes on in there, that on most days,
I just sit and stare and stare and stare…

Care Bear

Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with people.
Some are “Dead” and some I just don’t have contact with anymore.

I hate this.
I hate that I’m alive and yet feel as if I’m dying,
Or even worse, you are too.
I don’t like the idea of this world “without” me or you,
So maybe I should light a smoke,
Grab another coffee…

Do you know what I just did?
I spoke to myself.
I also record myself while writing…

Tricks Of The Trade

…Some say, but me?
When I ain’t sure about “something”,
Especially who I be or why I’m doing anything,
I turn camera on, push record and watch…


I think I’ve learned the most from Her,
And yes, I’m aware I’m speaking in 3’s,
It helps me, you should try…


The past few months it’s been really hard to sit,
Been real hard to do anything other than what I want which is to go back…

The Other Way

You see, I came running out to this desert to be saved,
What has happened, I have been the one to save.
Some people can be threatened and/or afraid (the same) by this,
But I’ve found saving myself, by any means or ways, is the most of everything…

It’s My Grace

I ask for help, am pretty resourceful, and yes, there’s still a HUGE part of me who wants to be saved, by you… But a really strange thing occurs when I go to Her

I hear me. I hear you.

…I’m closer.
I’m able to understand, or not, and be ok with it “all” and “a lot”.
I’m able to love your a lot and mine too,
And I’m also realizing we all have our own(ed) truths.

I Am Not You

When you ain’t with someone anymore because it just didn’t “work”,
It feels as if there’s a gaping hole you are constantly trying to hide.
Like there’s a hole on your inside and only you can see and feel it.
Most everyone goes through this, just differently I suppose.
Hmmm… Maybe that’s a gift…

Maybe we’re not meant to be one,
Maybe we’re meant to be 2.

I’m not sure if my love is real,
Or if yours was/is too
I can say it don’t matter
It doesn’t matter…

Love Just Is


Just… Love


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I’m sitting alone in the California Desert.
It’s a bit chilly outside, my fingers are defrosting.
I think it’s November. Possibly December. Maybe even October…

I think about love a lot you know.
I write about love a lot too.
I question love and even more?
I get mad at love, hate love, feel sick of love, envy love, loathe love… Why?
Because even though I LOVE LOVE!
I’m also terrified of what “love” can, cannot, will and will not… Do.

Love Bombs

I feel I’ve spent my whole life following what I think love may be and more times than others I hear, “Why am I me? And who or what are you?
Hello? Can you hear me?”

… But that’s it right there, I don’t think love, I love.
When I think, I also hear, “That’s not even where love lives Heather.”
So where does love live? And what kind of love “is”?

“I feel I have never truly loved because my mind gets in the way…”
(Journal entry, November 2016)

When thinking love,
I can feel swayed, forced down, smacked away…
Who am I to be taking apart a word that supposedly only sheds light and I?
I can change my mind but love?
Love does not change, love stays the same… Or does it?

Love Has No Need

What good is my mind if it gets in the way of love?
And what good is love if it gets in the way of my mind?
What good is anything if it gets in the way… Of everything.

I’ve also had in mind,
Pain goes hand in hand with love and in my experiences,
There’s been great pain, great suffering… Familiarities.
What am I without Pain? What am I without suffering?
What am I without love? What Am I Without…

Have you ever asked yourself these questions?
I do all the time, just as much as I wonder and question…

What’s True?

The past years I’ve learned to accept pain and suffering. Why?
Because on the other side, love may just very well be residing.
And you know? Love may live with pain and suffering, love may be…

The Misery Hiding
(But I’m tired of surviving someone or something…
I’m tired of surviving me)

(A few weeks later) …
As I’m sitting here,
I feel anger.
I feel confused, tired, broke down and spent.
I feel ungrateful and grateful.
I feel a bit sad and I feel a bit pointless.
But I feel! I feel! Some years back when I would feel,
I was told it was wrong or “too much” (This can still happen)

… When I wouldn’t want to feel what I was feeling,
Or what you were feeling, I felt like I was breaking.
I felt as if love had left me, alone, with melancholy and misery.
And sometimes? Sometimes I wouldn’t feel anything at all.
Completely void. Soulless. No Love. No Hate. No Heart. No Mind…

Body Break

I searched manically for love,
But I would end up “self” sabotaging. Why Heather??
Well, the lack of feelings felt the same as overwhelming,
Feelings I didn’t want, and feelings I wanted to change.
But they did all have one thing in common…


… “Me” is something I think and write about a lot too.
The subject of all my work is myself… Wait, maybe I’m on to something here…
Am I love? And love… Is just…


When I write,
I’m finding out.
No pre-determined fate for these pages,
It’s all about lessening doubt.
I can say that about all the work I do.
It’s to find “Me” but I’m also finding “You” too.

Love? Where are you?

Some’s definition of Love is another’s Hate and vice versa.
What’s the difference between light and dark? Good or Bad?
What makes me “Me“? And why can words be so tricky…

When I feel weightless I don’t think love, I just…
When I see time stop (which I have and do) I don’t stop, I just…
Perhaps love just may be…


… But Love is a word and words don’t fear,
Words don’t feel, words don’t do anything, I do,
And the meanings in which a word is given determines if I am aligned with truth.
Funny thing about truth, it ain’t absolute, it can change.
Does this mean everything can?

Love Is The Evidence

I feel there is no point to write about love
But I’m going to and I have a hunch I will get through… To the other side.
Ginsberg says that’s where madness lives and for me,
This word can feel the same as the word “Me”.


When I don’t hide, I just find…


… And hate and pain (Are those the same?)
Whatever the case,
They do the same to me as L O V E… Take Me Away!

(A week or so later)
Right now I’m not sure if love will save me.
I’m not sure if it will find me a home, the right people to work with, peace…
I’m not sure if JUST LOVE will keep me afloat.
I’m not sure if love is enough or if my life has anything to do with love.
At the moment, the human I love is passed out in the bedroom and I have no love at the moment for him, just spite. It changes so frequently…

So how do I know what love is?
How do I know what true is?
How do I know? HOW DO I KNOW?
How do I know and who the hell am I to write about love?

… And who the hell are you to want to KNOW about love?

(Month(s) or so later)
It’s been some days,
Months actually since I have been working on this.
It’s a few days after the new year.
I’m sitting on a friend’s sofa,
A sofa I have made my bed since getting back from Paris in September.
Today I was working on this and music.
I took a brief walk to get smokes, spoke to my Zen…
(I don’t like calling him that. I call him Jokai)
And this evening I waited for the man I love to call.
I waited for him to text… I waited. I went to bed.

… He texted this morning,
“Good morning my love” after he didn’t call or text me last night.
Last night after I told him I was feeling very low, another piece I wrote… Rejected.
(Trust. There’s more to this than just “this.”)

… I just wanted to hear him and a few words of encouragement.
He said he would call when he got home… He didn’t, although he says he did.
Crazy thing about lying, the truth is on the other side, right?
And I’ll be damned if iPhones don’t lie.

Is this what love is?
Is this what love does?
Is this what love can do?
Is this what love will not do?
Is this what love is not?

I’m sitting here on the sofa smoking and typing asking…

My Heart

… Wondering if this is love or if this is what I’m just used to… Pain

Am I afraid of love?
Am I able to love?
Am I able to be loved?
Am I trying to control love?
Is love trying to control me? Or is he? Me? Are we?…

I Hate Love

(A week later)
Being anything can be hard,
Being my kind can be real hard.
I question so much, but I was told once,
Go Back To The Questions Answers Carry Much Dust.
I really don’t care about the word love and am beginning to feel what I’ve been chasing, yearning, desiring, writing about, questioning, falling for, running away from, isn’t love… No, it isn’t love at all, it’s less suffering.
(Wait… Is this the same?)

Maybe I’ll just take the word love out of the equation,
Maybe then I can see what “is.”

… But for now, I’ll just lay here and smoke another cigarette.

(2days later)
I’m realizing if I stay away from words,
I do more. (Strange seeing as I write)
When I think I’m in love, all the anxiety,
And plain neurosis come out in strange ways because I think I have something and I ain’t sure what to do when I have something. My go to has been to destroy it. If I destroy say, love, I can work. I can sit alone at night, have an idea of what it may feel like… Pull from experiences and run to a piece of paper to write “it” down.
I can pick up a guitar or find some instruments to make with.
I can record myself, thoughts, ants, bugs…
I can sing into a mic and not be afraid.
I can take my camera for a drive and see what we find.
I can stare at the sky, smile and cry…

The point being, when I take words away, I am left with action.
Take a good look around and how most “systems” in this world work…


A lot of talk, mix up… A LOT OF WORDS.
A lot of trying to figure something or someone out,
But what’s not being learned about?
Me and You

“Love? Where are you?”

Love comes at the costs of so many lives,
Who are you and who am I to try to define.
See how protective I can get with “Love”?
I ain’t much for trying to define any “thing” or any “one.”
How can you or I even fathom what anything, or anyone… IS

… But I still can try. Yes, I can, and yes, so can you.

Love don’t cost a “thing,”
But it is the most precious piece of currency…

You and Me

(A day later) …
I’m noticing I’m quieter now.
Maybe love is just, maybe I just need love, maybe just love will free me…
Maybe love will just kill me…

Here I am

Love is something that may or may not exist.
I’m not sure what to call what’s inside of me,
What’s destroying “Us”
And even though I answer when my name is called,
I’m not entirely sure what my name means.
I feel a lot of things when I say or think my name.
I can even see it.
When I say someone’s name,
My body shows what kind of mark this person has left with me.
I had someone tell me once if he could describe me with just one word,
It would be… Love

Ain’t That Somethin’

… I had another person tell me I was somethin’ else.
Man, that made me smile.
It’s hard to be anything ya know?
Like I mentioned, it can be real hard to be “Me” let alone some “thing”,
But something else?… I can be that.

… Another person told me when reading my words and seeing my work,
He thought… “She’s more.”

All these can be,
What Just Love

More Than Me

(2 weeks later)
I don’t want to write about love anymore.
I don’t want to think or talk about it. I want to see it.
Please. Whomever, whatever, if you can hear me, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…


I’m not willing to show you what I see and/or how I feel anymore.
It’s like I’m trying so hard,
I’ve missed my ride.
I’m stuck…

Where Am I?

No one else can see through these eyes…
Feel this mind…
Hear this heart…

I’m stuck in the Ghost Realm and I want to get out.
I’m in hell.

(3 days later)
I want to see people saving themselves without shaming and/or blaming another. I want to see myself grow and you too. I want to see magic. That’s time for me. Like when I see a child and we don’t have to say anything. We just speak and be the same…

Language (Happens with animals too)

I see you know,
I see when I look outside and am greeted by rabbits and cacti.
I see when someone has 24 hours and raises their hand.
I see when my eyes are closed.
I see tears, my own and others.
I see the eyes and I see behind.
Most times, I see the pain and misery.
“You can see Heather, you can see.”

The Well Sees The Donkey

I not only want to see love,
I want to hear love too. Yes. Yes, I do.
I want to hear someone say “I did it” when speaking about something they’ve wanted to do but have been afraid. I want to hear someone say “NO!” because they just learned the only true power is the kind that gives, so they start giving to themselves in different ways. I want to hear a flower being gazed. I want to hear music, sounds, oceans, wind, rain, dirt under my boots, a horse’s neigh! I want to hear anger as it changes.
Some say that’s the first of loves ways. Anger can show me…

What Matters?
Kick That Door Down

I want to hear and feel your heartbeat.
I want to put my ear on your chest, look into your eyes and say… Nothing.
I want to feel love. All kinds. Humans, animals, creatures, plants…


I want to feel ENTHEOS.
A word that translates to “FULL OF GOD”
(It’s where enthusiasm comes from)

The feeling of being… Loved

… I want to watch love.
I want to watch whatever is making me Me and making you You.
I want to watch this world find itself without telling each other,
“Do What I Say! Or Else!”
That ain’t love. That’s Dogma. That’s bullshit. That’s fear.
I want to watch people the moment they realize feelings are a gift.
Click, wind, click… And I do…

See Through

… But right now I feel so much sadness and pain.
I don’t know if I’ll leave this room…

(A few hours later)
Some people say “love is all you need” or “love is enough”.
Shit, maybe I’ve said this, but may I say somethin’ else?
When I feel enraged, nothing can get in my way…

A Force

I’ll let you down, you’ll let me down, people hurt, me too…
I’ve seen what some say love can do…
When I look at Her and see what I’ve done to myself and possibly you too?
What I’ve done with my life and have yet to do?
I say, LOVE… I will fail you.

Fuck You

Sometimes it’s not about love and love? I can give a damn.
Maybe I don’t want what I’ve learned “love” is, what it may be or what I think.
The difference between my idea of love and yours? Absolutely nothing.
Whenever I question, it just means I ain’t sure and I’m learning…

It Is Or It Ain’t

Love just may be doing whatever it takes.
I have a lot to learn.

Reclusive Community


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Hello, my name is Heather.
I say this (most times) when I meet someone.
I even say this when I meet an animal, bird and/or insect,
And when it comes to the sky, I don’t have to say anything…

I’ve always wanted a community or thought about it at least.
The kind of community who supports and allows
The kind of community who nurtures you and me
The kind of community that wants us to stand on own feet rather than,
Owned hierarchy
“Do what I say and if you don’t, go away. I’ll try to control you even more.”

I can be super reclusive.
I didn’t use to be this way, but maybe I did.
I was raised by my grandmother who was solitary and because of this,
I grew up wandering and becoming very empathic.
Or, “Maybe’s she’s born with it” (me).

Growing up I was with my grandmother or alone.
Other times were shared with other “old’s” wherever we lived.
We moved a lot, but even when our apt was not senior-oriented,
I would find myself wandering, trying to find others to be with, learn from,
or just watch. I’ve done this my whole life, wander and find, seek and ask why.
I’ve almost been kidnapped a few times because as a child I trusted was curious and I smiled…

From my beginnings, I’ve yearned for a family.
The kind of family I saw at school, church, on television etc.
For me, family can also be community (these are just words we’re talking) yet the kind of family I had growing up was separated, and most members my grandmother and I were close with weren’t blood-related. I’ve been in many situations since being a wee Heat (das me), experiences where others have come to my rescue as well as situations I lost myself only to find in you, another, someone and even something else. I’ve also been the one to rescue and reduce another’s suffering just by being me, Heather…

Hello Heat

There’s never been a time where this world hasn’t had my back and most times,
it is I begging myself to get off, stop pushing me over, fall flat. Since coming back from Europe, this statement is truer than ever. I found myself wandering at night and the people in Paris were concerned. There wasn’t a moment I wasn’t approached by another asking, “Ca Va?”

The months I lived here, the humans (community) helped me and I them.
It didn’t matter if we were the “same”. A Muslim man who helped me find my way home one evening…

“I’m a Muslim man. What are you?”

Me: “That’s a great question. I don’t know, but I think we speak the same language. Your Allah is my kind. It’s love, non-violence, it’s in us all, it’s all around in the sky and most importantly, it’s in my pain, it’s in my smile.”

He knew as I watched his smile… grew.

See, I ‘m not afraid of “you” my fear has been taught and if anything, all I’m afraid of is me. What I have experienced, in my life community doesn’t need to be family or neighbors, community doesn’t need to be the same color, religion, community doesn’t even need to be friends, all community needs is…

To Be

…But this can be super unnerving. What would you do if you could do anything? What would you do if you were alone with only the animals and trees? How would you act if you only had you to view? How would you feel if you were the only one you could go to and listen with? You Already Areand this is what I practice.

Humans like projects, fix, make, break, build, shake but when it can come to them…

Humans Ain’t Solvable

I struggle with the “safety in numbers” idea. With all that has and is going on, that sentence seemingly backfires. When one is heavily influenced by another, in person or through the media, they’re no longer part of anything, especially them. They are following and that’s when the word hierarchy can come in to play. I feel when I allow others to do “them” and concentrate on what I do, what I think and how I feel, I have closeness and less…

“Let me tell you…”

…But man do I want to YELL and FIGHT CRY ask you WHY! (And I do)

You Wouldn’t Know Wrong If Somebody Hadn’t Shown You Right

Having said this, guidance is valuable. It’s just what kind of lead am I following? See, I work on this little word named Duality. I notice what you say and don’t do. I notice lies masked as truth asking me to believe,
“Here’s proof.” I notice what you do but what you aren’t saying.
I notice this about myself every day, so what does this have to do with community?

Hey hey heyCan I say!

In order to have been or be, in order to how why or see any kind of anything, I begin with me. This means…

I am Community

I am Reclusive

I am Me

I am a community built from years of experiences, living (and dead) And what I’ve had or chosen rather these years to do is unlearn so I may begin again.
Every time I blink. I seek out many different ways, people, help and I create. I’ve noticed there are people who have built community’s only to keep others away, feel safe and others shy away and feel as if there ain’t nowhere they can stay… home. Some say my body is my home and if I’m okay with “this”,
I’m home no matter where I am.

At the moment, I’m in the California Desert. I came here runnin’ trying to get away and at the same time, trying to get back that “family” and/or “community” I had built while living and working in LA. I have learned nothing exists other than this moment, yet my mind and heart will pull and push me to feel and think otherwise. That’s where the “company I keep” and/or “community” comes in to play. I’ve learned I can isolate and I’ve also learned to differentiate this from solitude. I’m all about that Reclusive Community and that’s what I have out here in the Dez.

I have people I can go to, turn to, call if I’m struggling or if I just want to enjoy their company. I drive a lot, down (or up) these dirt streets, it helps soothe me. I also look to the “others”… Animals, insects, birds, and trees…

Ants help save my life every day and I actually look to them for direction on most days. I think we can all learn a thing or two from ants.

I have friends who have moved out here after I, who live differently and have their own ways of experiencing community. Parties, working together, creating, marriages etc. I’ve always wanted to be included, a part of, remember? But more times than not, I ain’t interested in the conversations, the drinking, the go-go goin’. I’m interested in learning (about you), creating, helpin’, and showin’. But this is their jam and helps them and man am I down for what’s helpful for you so you ain’t hurtin’ and yer livin’… YOUR LIFE.

The Dez taught me “Tortoise Life” so with this, I’m not in a hurry but I know how valuable time is. I ain’t waitin’ or wastin’. And you know? Most people I know are cool with this. They get it, at least, they say they do. What can I say? I don’t want to be like you and I don’t want you to be like me. ALSO ALSO! This can terrify me…


I see how people can start doing everything the same. I see how that word “change” can be stunted and exchanged for “safe.” I’ve also noticed this is all okay and I, I’m working on making peace with being on the outskirts as opposed to being in the middle of things.

The Outskirts Are Most Usually The Best Outs To Be On

Most of my creative endeavors are solitary. I have to be alone to write, but my writing comes from experiences and other lives. When I shoot, 99% of the time the people I’m pulled in by, I don’t know. And sometimes (most times) I feel closer to a stranger, in the gutter, then a friend or foe. The depictions I do I ain’t so sure where they come from, I’m in a trance for most anything I do and yet that word community still shines through.
(I don’t always have to see to dream)

The shorts, consisting of sound, music, images, and truth, are collages from the web in which I can tangle myself in or trip myself up with. I use a lot of the desert creatures for these and I prefer to have other beings share my stories but I don’t mind stepping in, I’ve learned the times which are the hardest for me can be the ones I become closer to myself… And you.

Without You I’m Me Without Me You’re You

“With feeling comes gifts”
(I’ve been told this and I’d like to add thinking to the mix)
Although in the same breath, I can say it’s a curse,
feeling (and thinking) have allowed my community to be everywhere I go…

Wherever I am

Whoever you are

Whomever I be

I truly enjoy learning, I’m super curious. I’m learning to save my energy for what fills me up as opposed to draining me and I’ve also been learning that empty and full just may very well be the same thing. I work on coming from a place of understanding as opposed to being understood. I want to grow and I want you to too and I’ve found the only way to do this is not to stay… Stay anywhere because it’s safe. Whether that’s with people, ways, beliefs and/or an
environment. It makes my life enriched, others, their wisdom weakness, and strengths. It helps me too, not to be tightly grasping the one-sided truth. When I am constantly on the fly I feel alive. At the same time, it can leave a hole in my heart wondering…

“Will it always be this way and why?”

There are many types of communities. The first that pops in my head are for old ones. Let’s just clarify something here, just because your number is double (or triple) don’t mean yer old.

Young Old Resides Between Ears

Ya know? I’ve always wanted to flip some of those retirement places upside down because I’ve noticed the ones who have, introducing old with young, seniors with creatures and given to those left to die alone… DO WORK. If I could get myself to the place where I am doing what’s helpful for me as opposed to hurtful or stunted safety (which is the same thing) man, where would I be? What about you?


I understand how valuable it is for all kinds to be introduced to other life because when I’m introduced to another, 2-legged or 4, it gives me hope, inspo, and I’m no longer trying to end my life. I’m no longer closing the door. Don’t matter if I’m 99 or 4.

I feel community can be the most important but also, devastating. I suppose it all boil downs to the intent of you and/or I leading “us” to determine what “community” means. I’ve seen the intent in say The Netherlands, and you know? I think they may be on to something. Sometimes when you are so lost and or broke down you can’t be alone because you may end up underground and sometimes you’ve done things others feel you should die because of.(I’m talking killing and crimes) But it’s these kinds of communities who teach us the real strength that can come from this word “community.” Community can also mean a part of something which can also mean integrity and integrity came from this cool word Integral which means “Whole”. Roots are important.

I prefer to be left alone, working on creative endeavors and/or learning different ways. When not alone, I’m with others and sharing (showing) what I’ve learned. I’m also listening, learning, crying, smiling, laughing and covered in dirt. I enjoy living in places where I can faintly see a light in the distance. I feel better knowing there’s someone out there and it helps me. I think that’s how a lot of people who live out in the Dez may think,
“Safety in numbers? Okay…
but how ’bout 20 away, not ‘cross the street.”

I don’t think people live in the Dez so they can be neighbors.

Company Inclusively

When the past is triggered, I can get afraid of community and family ways. Like I mentioned, I can associate community with “do what I say” and if I don’t, I’m cut off, never allowed back in and pushed away. Being pushed away and or “rejected” can hurt. This is why it’s very important that my community is this world and all beings. Nothing belongs to me, I just belong.

I find when I’m not choosing sides, I’m not masking illusions of comfort, encouraging words with “safe” rather, I’m developing an internal strength that no one and nothing can break. So when the time comes, when I need to stand on my own for either myself or you, I’m able to go back to that place of understanding.

Side note: This doesn’t mean I don’t get angry.
Sometimes I feel more alive when I hit a wall and kick it in.

There are many people who want you to be like them and when you are, it makes those involved have a faulty strength. The kind that can easily break.
(I’m speaking from my own experience) Being like anyone strips me away…
From me. And I’ve worked really hard to remain in this world cuz, you see, this community (points to me) still struggles with life, experiences, thoughts, feelings, and ways, that can have her on knees begging something to take her away… From here “this” place.

Death Is Safe

I hear people say they never felt a part of something until…
Until they found a group of others who helped them be okay. This is totally cool and ain’t nothing “wrong” nor “right” with this. But now I’m more interested. Interested in what brought you here? What do you have to say?
(And what do you say when no one else is there or telling you)
What do you do when no one is looking? Most importantly, I’m interested in your feelings and thoughts, if they’re yours or if they’re not.

A Reclusive Community is just that. It’s alone a lot but doesn’t shun another when and if you’re in a “spot.” Whether that spot is hard or easy, a Reclusive Community allows you to just be. It accepts you as you are with the understanding we all can change what we feel and what we think and ain’t that a glorious glorious thing.

We Are The Strange Ones

A Reclusive Community also understands the greatest power to exists is the kind given. It doesn’t try to fix you but wants you to understand only you can fix “you.” And btw, any solid human will say “You are perfect as is”
You ain’t broken and if you is? That’s okay, sometimes it does take two.

A Reclusive Community promotes strength in solitude and safety when alone. It acknowledges experiences can be painful and hard, but also magical and great.

A Reclusive Community is there for you but also understands growth is a must.

A Reclusive Community realizes any community can be helpful or hurtful,
enabling or empowering.

A Reclusive Community realizes what I can do for you I can do for me, so I’ll show you what I’ve learned but it’s up to you to give up belief (or believe depending on your means)

Sing Sing Sing

A Reclusive Community is into valuing life, not things.

I read a publication that stated, “Without all of us, we’re nothing.”
Remember, words can be tricky. It’s not that I’m nothing without you, I’m nothing and everything on my own. I also read, “Show us what it means to be better together.” I’m not sure how to feel about this. How am I able to show you this when I don’t entirely agree with? Regardless, I’ll show you what it looks like and what this takes (or gives) to stand on my own so I may stand next to you. Even if it takes me a lifetime, a lifetime to say “I am” regardless if I’m split, broke, hurt and/or sick…

I’ll show you better does not exist. Remember? I already am.
I keep others in mind, because some do not keep going and lives have already come to an end. I’ve chosen these ways, but I don’t believe in sin. Ah! And therein lies that spirit. That spirit coming from a place of understanding realizing… I will never be able to understand. Some say this is Nirvana.


In conclusion, the most beautiful thing about Reclusive Communities is showing me…

What (who how why) I am… Me

Who (what why how) I am… To be

Reclusive Community shows me myself in each being, living and/or dead, giving me the choice…

You Already Are


YAS! And the gift that comes with this?! I move forward (sometimes backward, to the side, falling, upside down…) But instead of taking? I GIVE free.
And this, whoever is reading, this for me is the most valuable piece of currency… My Name, And Yours.

Reclusive Community




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It’s true ya know…

“[…]the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac

I’ve followed madness my whole life
But for this?
Let’s start from where I am…

In the DEZ
Staying at a friend’s house
I’ve been writing this off and on for over 3 months
The last edit didn’t save
I suppose this one is meant to be
But for a moment…

I imagined throwing technology pens paper pencils books coffee and smokes
Straight through the glass window
I saw myself yelling!
I even heard Her…

No one gets it!
No one cares!
What do you want from me!!

Funny thing about madness
When yer writing
It’s as if you can become…


2 months ago I was in…

Staying with a friend and his girlfriend
With their baby girl (Imagine a 22mo Parisian Woody Allen:)
His 10 and 12-year-old from a previous relationship
And pain …From me
And also

A month before I was..

Staying Underground
In a small studio below a daughter and son-in-law whom I just met a few weeks proir
And pain …From me
And also

The 16th Arrondissement
Paris is like a clock
Or snail rather
This part of Paris drove me mad along with being told
To be
Something other
Then what…

I am

It wasn’t anything specifically about this area
But the overall stillness
Wasn’t natural
Forced rather
This is a red flag for me
Anytime you try to make others be how you be
I call this hierarchy
And I’m more into…

Reclusive Community

2 weeks prior…

Why was I there?
Why am I anywhere?
I followed Madness
Only to leave a month later
Take the reins…

I had to step away from others and let mine
Let my Madness just fucking be…


I can go in detail
Where I was
Who I was with
Their madness
But my wish?
For you to be open to mine
The Madness I follow and leave behind
And most times?
Madness packaged in all different kinds…

We’re all mad
They’ve always been and me?
Yes I have
I’ll be
So will we

…And you know what?
I wouldn’t change a thing
But I’ve learned a thing …or 2 or 3

Madness is Madness but…


You ever heard of James Joyce?
He’s one of my favorite humans
His daughter
Is a perfect example of “Madness” and what it may do to you
As opposed to you doing…


Lucia and madness were muse to “Finnegan’s Wake
Joyce’s final work
He watched her dance in a room next to him while writing…

He watched madness
Then wrote about it
Created from

I think that’s what I do too

Carl Jung came along at some point and neither really liked each other
Joyce did not accept Lucia was schizophrenic and Jung did not accept she wasn’t
I think they both saw through…

When this happens
Great minds

Jung would go on
Influenced by Joyce and his work
My take?
Jung may have been envious of Joyce and how he was able to have Madness work
For him…

“Mental Health Inconceivable To Most People”
-Jung on Joyce

Ya ever tried to write your dream after (while) living it?
Ya ever understand languages where words are insignificant?
Ya ever crack yer head open and dance with all whom reside?

Sometimes It’s hard to be mad
And sometimes it’s even harder to be mad at Madness…

…But it’s hard to “be” anything you know?
Especially when people have and are telling you you are (or are not) something.

“You’re Only Given A little Spark Of Madness. You Mustn’t Lose It”
-Robin Williams

Most everyone who resonates with me are mad or dead or both
I listen to the mad dead on YouTube or read their books
I share a smoke with mad in the gutter
And sometimes I lend an ear to mad before I shutter
Ya know?
I just be and most usually
Finds me

Sometimes I imagine what it may be like…

Etc etc…

…But I just imagine
So they all live in my head
And sometimes my bed
(I fall asleep to some of them most nights)

One thing Joyce said has stuck with me for quite some time…

“The Trick Is To Step Into The Madness. Don’t Fall Into It”
-James Joyce

Sometimes I have to direct…

“Left right left right left right (or right left)”

Sometimes I have to count…


Sometimes I have to ground…

“Green green what’s green???

I fall everyday and most days I feel like I’m about to fall flat on my face
Everything’s spinning
I’m no longer here
I’m non existing
But I’ve done that too…

Fallen flat
For me (and you)
Left black and blue
Heart and mind
Alone and scared
Mind paining…

If Joyce was right and there’s a trick involved
I think I just may be okay…

I was told by an analyst some years back I had “Magical Thinking”
“You need to stay out of Magictown Heather” -Dr.Joyce (I know right:)

After a few years I became the sheriff of MagicTown
I’m responsible for those who reside…



Is in my blood

Horse Crown

I can get bored easily
(Or maybe I just jump around)
Right now
I’m working on this bout 20 minutes ago I was writing 2 other pieces
Before that
A song (or two or 3)
Making videos…

Last night I was editing my script and watching PAUL BLOOM.
The day before
Recording sounds
Breaking down
And Letting life show me how…

To Live

That “boredom” ain’t necessarily bad or good ya know
I just live with a lot
I’m alive with a lot
(And sometimes it’s real hard to keep going)
But many do not
So I do with Her and me and them in mind

I don’t know how people can be around each other all the time
This makes my skin crawl
I have to start counting again
Or pointing out colors
I feel everything and begin to spin
And once in a while
When someone actually looks me in the eyes
It’s too much for them…

So I’m alone a lot.

Other lives can mess with mine
I feel so much
Irrational hunch
I think…

Pretty Wise

People have their own ways to cope with it “all”
I get it
I do too
We’ve learned to do
No “how” not even a “why”
I’ll never break through to any side
If I don’t knock that door down first and cry…

DON’T HIDE…Your madness -Allen Ginsbegrg


One time I thought the sprinklers in my ceiling were recording me
Like I thought they were something other than sprinklers
For 2 days I thought this
I didn’t leave the house or the sofa I was watching sprinklers record me from
Eventually I came to the conclusion they were sprinklers…

I called a friend in London proclaiming my discovery
We laughed
It feels good to laugh at myself sometimes
Some years back
I was convinced my life was over because people didn’t want to work with me anymore
I thought I had to get “it” all back…

That’s mad…

The mad I’m glad I had and don’t still have

Today and the past week especially
I’ve cried a lot
Like everyday
I’m trying to eat
Who know’s what’s going on
(I do. I was in LA for 5 days)

I wasn’t (I’m not) sure anything matters
And maybe nothing does
Maybe that’s why I can be in pain
When people shoot people
When war and poverty are normal…

When people’s attention are in front of them instead of inside
I feel isolated
Like recording sprinklers
Waiting to be discovered…

It’s not that I don’t care
(Sometimes I don’t. That’s real hard. Numb is bum)
I’ve just been learning
The kind of Madness that is mad to me
Is believing anything outside will really change
And everything that has is and continues to keep happening in the world
Is just a big game of the same same same…

“What can everyone do?
Praise and blame.
This is human virtue,
This is human madness.”

-Friedrich Nietsche

I like watching and listening to what it may be for someone who doesn’t live with a lot
The thing is
Many DO
Same as you
They just suppress and pretend
(I can too)


I’ve said it before
I love playing make-believe
But not the kind that makes up lies
The kind that makes me wonder…

What it may be like and why
Most usually thereafter
I’m cutting kites…

I also “sense” what others may or may not
Some say I got that spirit
Others may just say
“You’re crazy Heat(her)”…

Crazy thing about crazy
It’s the only way I understand how to be…

“In a completely sane world,
Madness is the only freedom”


Madness can also be a label for something or someone when the intent comes from a place to BE understood

In the states we have SO MANY…
Treatment Centers

It’s as if people are more comfortable with being told they are or have something and need to rid as opposed to letting it be and developing into what could be…

I Don’t believe In Sin

States try to control Madness
Thinking if it can’t be understood it needs to be put away
For someone who’s been in quite a few of theses places
The people runnin’ them most times
Are crazier than I…

Hey hey hey


Freedom from ignorance
Self-realization and self-knowing…

This is and can be SUPER SCARY!
Who am I?
What am I?
Where am I?
(A month ago I learned how to answer exactly that
Where “here” is That may seem super simple for you
but it was a breakthrough for me)

…Scary shit can also be very cool
Instead of asking to the point of spinning
I’ve learned all I ever am is what/why/how I am now
Neither you or I will ever understand
Some say that’s Nirvana…


That’s one of Madness’s keys
It keeps me interested and on my feet
(Sometimes sitting, driving, running and crying…)

Dancing Creates Heartbeats

Sing sing sing

Most everyone has a different take on “what” madness means
But for me?
It don’t mean a thing
And I’m learning…


Do I still see things that aren’t here?
Do I still hear who ain’t me?
Do I still get hung up on words and think I know everything?
Do I still think sprinklers are recording me?
(I think I’m being recorded everywhere because I actually record everywhere/everyone)

Big Brother Is Watching… And So Am I

I don’t want to define anything let alone crazy or madness
When I listen to madness I ain’t hearing me
It’s like I’ve been whisked away!
I’m following and have no idea what it has to say…

…But Madness always has something to say

Most days I’m altering states
Whether in my head or on my feet
Even when shit gets so fucked
I hear madness pull me…

“Greatness Comes From Me Heather
Follow Those Dreams And Their Beautiful Dreamers”

So I do…

I get smokes and what would be 5 minutes ends up being 5 days
What can I say?
I ain’t just following
I lead

Madness By Any Means

I ain’t sure why I’m writing about madness
Maybe it’s because I love and hate it all in the same breath
It can be isolating being part mad
(I ain’t sure what the other half is quite yet)

When I completely LET GO in 2011
I ended up in 3 psych wards by 2014
That’s what Madness does to me
It never lets me go
It never lets me breathe without reminding me…

I am you. You are me.

Letting go is a beautiful idea
It’s becoming more and more apparent just how important it is for me to let go
Since years past
I’ve associated letting go with destruction and mania
Success with lying
Money with love…

It nearly killed me
Actually it did…

Heaven Above

I’ve learned what to step into and what not to (most times)
I’m curious
What can I say:)

I’m learning… IT’S ALL OKAY

“We are in heaven now
Because the earth is a spaceship
And heaven is space”
-Alan Watts

I’m pretty sure no one wants to live the life I live
They may enjoy what comes from it
But you do not want to live my life
Most times I don’t want to live
I don’t wish this on anyone
It ain’t easy
I’m learning the hardest I can do?
I Gravitate towards
Not all the time tho
Is best
But ya know what else?
Sometimes that hard turns into that easy
I’m in the flow
And fuckin a if I don’t want to be anywhere else…

Go go go…Stay

I aint much to tell you what to do
But maybe think about the hardest thing you can do with (for) your life
(I will too)
See what happens when you LET GO (noted)
See what happens when you listen to yer heart and see through yer minds…

Don’t need eyes to see

I assure you
You will never be the same
And ain’t that Glorious
It’s also free(ing)

Do you want what you think others want?
You think you’ve been conditioned to believe you want?
Truth be told
I don’t want just any “thing”
I want it all
I want to do everything
Go everywhere
Live for me
Live for you…

“Selfishness Is A Virtue”
-Ayn Rand

Yes that too
I want to be all-encompassing
Just to achieve”Me
Even if it takes me a lifetime of…

Momentary Truths

…But I have to get past this door in this room
(I’m isolating)

There’s many who worry about me
What can happen?
A self fulfilling prophecy
I end up relying on them or
I hear in their voice when they ain’t saying anything…

“Told you so”

You didn’t tell me
All you said was don’t change
Come back

Worry ain’t anything other than bullshit
Worry is just for me to have something to “do”
(I was worried so much the other day I almost convinced myself not to stay)

…Most times?
Worry ain’t even about me it’s about you
(And vice versa)

Worry means I ain’t trusting
I’m learning to not get so hung up on words

Words Can Be Tricky

A few years back
It took me hours to write an email
All words had to be specific colors
That’s how I saw them
And important words had to have arrows through ’em…

Then all words became important
Even upside down
And numbers became colors too
That’s a great time to be concerned
And people were
Just didn’t know what to do
(I can be very convincing)

I’m also learning
What mostly concerns people when it has to do with you is
If they make it reflect on them and somehow you become their truth
The thing is
It’s crazy to me when another sees and doesn’t do a damn thing
For them
When I meet you
I can tell your love
What you’re thinkin’
I make ways
I also put them out there and connect with what just may fill me/you up…


(Enthusiasm started out by the name of Entheos
It literally means->Full Of God
Now God don’t mean one man to me
But it can for you
It’s all the same
Entheos inspires
Experiences and feels)

Even tho I’ve had super hard times
I would never go back and change anything
For one thing
That ain’t even possible (or is it)
And for some who dwell on the past
Who sit and stare wondering “what could have been”
To me that’s mad
But not the mad I want to be followin’…

I don’t have any regrets
Nor shame
I used to because I though I had to be one way
Or that I lost “everything”
But after hospitals treatment facilities rehabs and meetings…

Madness and Crazy are still my best friends:)

RANDY! 25:06 time

Madness comes in all shapes and sizes
Everything and nothing…

But madness?
Are you listening?
You can also be…


As much as I can sit in the gutter with another
I can also sit up top
High rises and shops
Be amongst “Success”
The ones who want what you and or I got
Once you got to the top?
Where else is there to go but below
I’m all about where the strange ones go…

Ya think yer able to be successful all around and still be able to swim and not drown?
I think about this a lot
What I would have to “give up” by letting go or maybe I need to look at it another way…

What I may get in return for letting go…


When I let go I don’t give a fuck because all the fucks are given
Handed to ya RIGHT THERE for you to plainly see
All the fucks I GIVE YOU when I LET GO
I ain’t lying no more
I don’t give a fuck about what you think or what I think
Or at least
I won’t let me get in the way of me
I go through.
(And sometimes under over around underground…)

When did someone tell you to stop?
Stop playing
Stop changing
Stop laughing
Be quiet
Stop growing
Stop it right there
Be different
Be like me
I don’t care…

Do you want others to be like you because it’s easy?
Why is it the opposite to go against or rather
Make yer own way
There ain’t nothin’ in this world more gratifying than reflection
Being able to stand on your own
(And fall and spin and lie awake)
I made it
I’m here
I’m alive
I have many stories to share…

Storytelling’ Is The Oldest Art of Form

Rain Rain Rain

What madness does is share
Sometimes tho
It can take and take and take
But I don’t think that’s madness
I think that’s
I can still withhold thoughts and feelings
Not as much as I did
This is what usually leads me to…

Drink. Pill. Cut… I don’t care

Razor’s Edge

Sometimes I have these visuals…

In this world… by myself

But that’s me everyday
So when thoughts of apocalyptic proportion
“Heather is homeless and crazy with a million journals
Drawings cameras recording talking to herself”
Pops in my head
I reassure her…

“Heat. You’re mad. You’re fucking crazy! You’re already doing this!”

…She just winked.

Sometimes madness can take me to places I ain’t sure exist

I’m pretty sure madness takes me to these places to show me what CAN exist
Sometimes when I’m alone
I lose my mind

…I’m pacing
Talking to something or someone
I sit
I stand
I smoke
I use the restroom
Play with my hair
I stare…

Right before I was in Cuba I was in Miami.
I remembered staring in to the hotel mirror in the bathroom

I saw stars
In my eyes
That day
I also kept running…

Away away away

Madness also wants to have all my time
When I just sit to smoke I have so many thoughts
To just stand or sit
I have to make way
And if I don’t write something down
If I don’t remember?
I feel as if I’ve let Her down

I also understand writing in the third person can seem mad
But did you know we can be 3?


(I think theres a whole lot more if you’re asking me
It can’t be THAT easy)

Do you know what’s mad?
This is 3500 words already…

That’s why I don’t believe any small or tall (child or adult) have most diagnosed ill disease (s).
Just get them to where they need to be and they will show you what they’re meant to be…

I’ll leave you with something I heard
From someone I can’t remember who said
But is most likely dead…

“If It Wasn’t True I Wouldn’t Of Had The Imagination To Invent It.”

Continue towards being crazy
Continue toward the mad(ness)


Pure Camoflouge


, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I wrote this after coming back from LA a few weeks ago.
I need the reminder.


I was in LA from Friday until yesterday afternoon
If you know me
You get the yearning I have for solitude
If you don’t
Nice to meet you
I like to be alone… A lot.

It’s not so much I get a lot done when I’m alone
It’s the time alone to process
Talk out loud
Answer my own questions
And stand my own ground.

Since being in the Dez for the past 3+years
I’ve seen myself desiring to be
Further and further
From you

“Society Is A Hoax” -Alan Watts

While in LA over past few days
I wanted to say “FUCK THIS” and head back
I didn’t
I stayed
I waited

I work really hard at being in control of my thoughts
Lately tho
I’ve had a challenging time of what this means to me…

Am I suppressing?
Am I lying?
Am I avoiding?
What does being in control mean?

When I’m around others
I observe control either held on to
Or given up

It’s a messed up thing when your walking around wondering…

Why aren’t you becoming?
What you’re meant to be
You’re already this
And this ain’t working
For anybody

I see this a lot in others but mostly myself
I hand over my time
I just give it away and am left wide-eyed
Can I say?
Not worth it
Move along…

What it worth it?
Is spending your time talking about others “worth” it?
Is giving your time to systems of lies worth it?
Is becoming someone else
Or rather
Becoming what someone thinks they want you to be…

Worth It

What do you think?

I’ve been wandering for some months now
Now I’m just wandering in my head
It’s not a great place to get lost in ya know
I would really like to just LET GO!

I don’t know if you’ve ever “lost” everything only to realize you never “had” any thing to begin with.

I don’t know if you’ve ever “lost” yourself only to realize you were never your self to begin with.

Having these experiences happen to me in past years has me left with this uncontrollable feeling…


I ain’t sure where to go
I ain’t sure what to do
I ain’t sure who to trust
I ain’t sure how to be

But Heather, You Do You Do.”

I think most are all lies you’re right
I’m aware of what needs to be done
Where to go
Who to trust
How I be…

I just fight it ALL
I really do and I’m tired of it
I’ve experienced so much
I’m ready to create from

“When I Try To Control You, I’m Not Well.”
Meeting Paris 2017

I don’t enjoy sitting to write (all the time)
I feel like I’m on drugs
I twitch
Move around
Mind races…

I’ve been working on a piece about madness that’s driving me mad
As well as a piece about people
Now this may seem mean
And I guess any kind of name calling can be
But that’s the thing…

All My Dreams

Have been at cost of other lives dedicated to slavery…

Slave to the wage
Slave to the blame
Slave to the guilt
Slave to the bills
Slave to the jealousy
Slave to the misery
Slave to the ILLUSIONS
Slave to the conformity

Slavery In The Minds Of The People

I’ve been working on becoming less
(Or maybe I need to become more. Wait. Maybe I already am?)

It can be so easy for me to take you on
It also can be super easy for me to hear and see what you are thinking
When you ain’t saying a thing
Needless to say
I’ve become a slave to my owned ways and I must de chain…


Right now I want to YELL!!
I want to run around and throw shit…


Is anyone in control anymore?
Or are most begging for you to take it so they don’t have to be responsible?
It’s hard to find people who don’t talk and talk…


I find most who hide behind conditional lies
Are the ones who are lying to themselves and want you to believe something else.

I don’t believe anything
I don’t even believe me
Or maybe
I believe everything
I believe free
(I just ain’t holding on to any one or two things)

Belief is just a word people like to hold and not let go of
Trust is also a word where I’m realizing
I don’t have much use for
I don’t trust you
I don’t trust me
But I am…


The real tricky thing?

I’m working on a koan with my teacher and it’s thrown me
It’s supposed to do this until they don’t (maybe)
I’m reminded I could very well be on a 1,000 year journey
But sometimes
I feel like I should know
And I also feel you should too.


Grab a smoke
Drink some coffee
Next verse…

I find myself wanting to do more
Which means I’m not doing as much as I can
So I’m suppressing shit and this makes me real sore…


No ones holding me back
I am
No ones telling me what to do
I am

I’m almost at 100%
100% unable to deal with Bullshit
I think I’m on to something
If I stop Bullshitting me
I won’t make time for yours

Quick fix
Get it out