I WANT TO LIVE OUT LOUD

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PART I

Have you ever wondered where words come from?
I do. ALL THE TIME.
So I research, find out…

Words come from other words, most notably, a word can come from a feeling.
Feelings Words A Place

Are you content (comfortable) with a word(s) summing you up?
Total Sum Equates

… Because for me?
I will never be Satisfied nor will I be able to fully describe and/or capture,
This Or That
Me and You
You and Me
With just a word… CHARACTER
Ya feel me?

The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.
A characteristic, especially one that assists in the identification of a species.

-Oxford Dictionary

I’ve been working on this since October, so maybe you can see why,
Revise #35…
This and That “Character” can be hard to write about.
“A distinctive mark”
“A trait”
“A description”
My fav?
“A stamping tool”

THEY ARE TRYING TO TAME YOU

… What has me sitting in the dark, some months later, isn’t the
character of another, it is the character of ME…
Questioning Herself, yet again.

———>
I can be a whole list of “things.”
I can be whatever, whomever I want to be. And sometimes?
Sometimes I can be a real fucking asshole.
I can be righteous, spiteful, resentful, ANGRY…

I dig when She’s angry (I just winked) Why?
Anger shows me what I need to work on, what ain’t working, and also shows me what I’m willing to fight for… Neither holding on to any one side.
In Between…

Brave New Worlds

You know what I heard the other day?
“Difficult people are blessings.”
What kind of difficult are we talking? Some could say I’m difficult.
I’m unwilling to give you Her at the cost of “Me.”
I’m unable and mentally incapable of bullshitting…

Pretending To Be

My mind works with my heart. This is what I work on CONSTANTLY.
I cannot control “Your” perception of “Me” but I will tell ya one thing,
I’m not asleep. *Although I should be really. It’s 5:30(AM)

I think for some years I have looked so hard for something…

I have looked and looked. INSIDE AND OUT.
I have looked inside of you and inside of me, I have come from a place of understanding, primarily with others, so I may understand “Me.”

… But as I sit, now with the light on, as I sit, I realize…
Love don’t need and I don’t need you to understand me. I don’t need me to understand you. I don’t even need to understand myself. I’m here to learn about “Me” until I haven’t any…Misunderstandings

I speak a lot about taking care of each other, allowing others to be. I speak a lot about what I believe I yearn for yet have found myself contradicting…

Loving

… It doesn’t feel good, and I ain’t sure what feels good anymore, I know writing always helps… Music, filmmaking, photography, friends, horses, animals, bugs, coffee… LEARNING

Funny thing about what helps me though, I can starve myself to the point of non-existing. I resist and resist… Days, weeks, years…
I listen to the voice inside who says,
“Heather. Please kill me.”

As much as I write and speak about sameness-Connection-and how we all must connect with ourselves first, I’ve noticed I’ve disconnected. I feel as if I’m only these big brown eyes, watching through something or someone else’s body.
And I Weep… Right now I see I see I need to help Her… Me.

I Have A Lot To Learn
*This is my new mantra

Begin writings (thoughts) about a word named “Character”…

——->
I WANT TO LIVE OUT LOUD

What does one do? In any situation…
Some say the way you handle yourself is in fact how you build character, or is your Character but what exactly is character? Do you think due to its label, character can still be a role one is playing? And wouldn’t that allow, even mean… The character built or building ain’t even real… Intrinsically

Right now is hard. I don’t want to say the cliché…

Either You Is Or You Ain’t

… Duality is something I’m constantly ridding, but the thing is, I ain’t the only one trying to rid…
Shape
I take duality away, and what I’m left with is another and another’s…
Frame
Other’s who say but do differently. Other’s who do and blatantly say they don’t.
It is. It’s not. And have me questioning…

DOES ANYTHING SAID MEAN A GOD DAMN THING??

“What about you Heat?”
Exactly.
This is 2018, the year of Me, She,We…
All of us, inside of this little body.
Thanks for reminding.

——–>
Does duality stem from those around?
Or does duality come from a source?

Mind Subconscious Underground

… Trying to trap me, make my true sound Lie… Honne

I’ve noticed my “Character” has been influenced,
I’m trying to remember when it wasn’t…
Can you?

Who Is Valuable … And what is value?

——–>
How can you be close with unreal?
I find the hardest part about being in any kind of relationship is the
time I give. Lately I feel like I’m wasting time…
I’m giving I’m starving I’ve neglected… What’s Mine?
I’ve been building a relationship with myself these years and there have been many hardships. On the other side of that coin, the years have also brought grace and peace. I can look back… Reflect Remember… That feeling That think.

When I feel a feeling, or a think, I ain’t sure I want or know I mos def do not want, I do things differently. Or at least, I do or don’t only to do then don’t do again…

Rinse And Repeat

Duality, ceasing to be… Anything.

The thing is, when I accept another in my life, I have expectations and can struggle with this (I struggle with my own expectations. I put a lot of pressure on Her) I work on seeing what is and this has proven to be the opposite of what it isn’t.

I WANT US ALL TO SUCCEED

… And let’s just clarify something, what are you struggling for?
I also want to tell you my epiphany today…

Expectations are not goals. Expectations are not dreams.
Expectations are how or what I would like someone, something and/or me to be and that’s crazy! Why Heat? Because expectations are DENIED REALITY.
If I want someone or myself to change, be or do things differently…
Evolving
If I have goals, ambition, drive…
Dreams
If I fulfill my own needs, the difference between is…
CONTROL
I’m trying to control You.
I’m trying to control Me.
I’m trying to control Everything.
I don’t want to control or change you, I want that to be…

In Your Hands

… And let me clarify something else,
I’m not wanting to be with anyone if I’m being made into some
“thing.” But here’s some more honesty… I Am… Responsible For Me.

I will call you out if I care because I do that for myself now.
I practice what I preach.

All Hat No Cattle

——–>
I do try to make other’s responsible,
MAN I TRY! But with anything I “try,” comes failing.
I heard somewhere,
“Failing Is A Wonderful Idea. Yes. Indeed.”
When I’m “in” anything, I no longer see.
I’m ME ME ME and She (Me) feels A LOT, thinks a lot…

So when all I’m doing is feeling mixed with thinking, not only is that hard to upkeep, I’m also…

Outta Touch With Reality

It can be hard not to expect,
so what I work on is “lining up.”
If I see what is Cause And Effect
I’m somewhat able to tell the future…

Self-Fulfilling Prophet

This ain’t hard at all, take a good look at your life…

Now take out all the differences.

I work for some sort of “balance” and most times that balance is flying high or falling low, I don’t know… Balance So So
I’ve realized the company I keep has a tremendous effect on me, especially my own company. Having said this, I like to be alone but I also struggle with it. I didn’t used to want to be alone but when experiences happen, the kind flipping you inside out, kills you, changes your mind, penetrates your heart…

You aren’t able to be around “people.”
Especially when it’s pain, disguised as Love.

Sit Still Sit Little Dove

———>
It’s been super challenging lately to be still, since tapping into others,
maybe you can understand….

I’m with the Band (width)

It was easy for me to take “You” on,
and it can be even easier for me to See Through Machines.
Many don’t see, through themselves. They haven’t a clue on why they live in pain, but I do, so when it starts to shake my world… I know I’m onto something.

I Rather Be Wise Than Right

Intuition is always on my side, yet this “character” I hide yearns to cast aside what she sees, feels and finds… All to feel and be Loved, Saved, and Changed.

… And to break you and your dishonest ways… THE TRUTH

When someone says they don’t know who they are, that may be the case, but their actions, not their words, will reveal their chosen face…

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
-Maya Angelou

Whatever, I can still try real hard to make “it” different.

———–>
I know what helps and what hurts me, yet I still fight myself to do anything other than what may kill me. I have these moments where I feel good, dare I say great! Only to feel like shit the very same day. Speaking of which, unless I have a strict routine, my mood swings, my emotions rollercoaster and my mind spins…

Do I Have a schedule? No, but I’ve sure been thinking about it.

I WANT TO LIVE OUT LOUD
Stay Wild

Feels good to get it out.

How do you have any relationship with another and not lose but gain?
I feel as if I already have SO MANY INSIDE. I’ve worked my ass off for Her, the thought, idea, I need to be some “thing” other than me, even if I question the hell out of what “that” means… Can be terrifying. So why do I continuously seek out, see those who tie me up… Barbed Wire Grip Spider Web Deceit…

Shadow Me

I used to lose me and gain too many unhealthy… CHARACTERS
Now, I don’t make time to live life along side ulterior motives hiding behind…

Leopard Spots

… My first thought for seeking “out” is fear.
I can still get scared thinking about my world without, to the point I picture myself having a breakdown. I have these all the time. (You should try)

Without world consumes me, like the fireball in The Fifth Element.
It just gets bigger and bigger…

Some can take and takeFeedDisease Hate Blame Shame Use Abuse VictimMentality

I don’t buy it
I Have Nothing To Sell

—————>
I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into (an)other(s), but what is this?
Is giving your time, your mind, your heart…

Your Life

… Is this just a way to prevent myself from following through with mine?
Or is this what some may say is…

The Divine

If this is, and this is my destiny, do I have to accept?
Is not accepting accepting? Or can I just say…

The Sun Doesn’t Shine Because I Can See

Would you agree…

Sometimes You Have To Live For Others To Live For Yourself

…Or disagree?

I’m finding true self sees this as the same thing…

Living

xx-h->
goldsrite.com

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No Love Lost

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Not being with someone is hard, but sometimes being with them is even harder.
Can you tell me the difference between not being with someone and them (or you) ceasing to be?

I Write Love Letters… To The Dead

As I’m sitting in the Dez,
I hear birds, cars in the distance, wind, trees…

I also hear inside of me weeping as she is trying to “keep it together.” I hear that a lot… “Keep It Together Heather.”

… Whether it’s from someone else or me,
About someone, or just remembered throughout my life,
“Keep it together” are 3 words I’m not sure I agree with.

What if you don’t keep it together?
What happens if you “lose” it?
Ain’t that a good thing?
It’s been great for me to lose my shit and ya know?
There may have been times in lives I would have regret,
Shoulds and Thoughts to do differently, but had it not been for me not keeping it together, had it not been for me to lose my “shit”, I wouldn’t have what I have now…
I wouldn’t have…

Me And My Shadow

———>
I “lose” it all the time.
In my car, alone, with someone…
I lose it all so I may rid what’s no longer serving me,
Ya dig?

I think “losing it” is the closest thing to enlightenment,
When I have nothing, when I am nothing, no one, no way,
I begin to understand, I will never be able to be free.
Why? Cuz I already am…

What do you think is normality?
Or, a normal way to handle… Anything.
If you just sit on this,
Do you think it may change?
I read somewhere to cease all contact for 60 days,
This is the “norm” for one’s brain and heart to recover from splittin’ parts…

But do I ever recover… fully?
Have you?
Do I want to?
Do you want to?
How do we recover and more importantly, why?
And if I may take it a bit further,
WTF am I or you recovering from?

NOW

*Update:
It’s been some months since I wrote this and as I am editing, I find it real strange it only takes months to eradicate feelings for somebody you had feelings. Does this mean while with ’em it wasn’t “real”? Or does this mean it only takes a certain amount of time to get through anything? Even if this is a person you were with everyday and/or someone close with who ain’t on this planet no more… And if I dig a little deeper, the feelings left after some time flown by aren’t good or bad at all, they just are. May sound harsh, but I’m learning it’s really as simple as that.

——–>
Relationships can be real strange,
I’ve found myself either always wanting to be with you or trying to run away.
I’ve just answered a Koan and if I may?
Put quite simply… DOA

No meaning

When I am direct with either you or me,
I am able to differentiate and see clearly,
But when I try to add anything, say, for example, meaning,
I’m left runnin’ in circles not knowing where to go or what to say.
I’d like to be able to tell you about my experiences in life and with others are/is simple, I ain’t sure if it is (or if they/we are)…

But you want to know another thing?
I don’t think I’m ready.

Fragmentary Veracity

——->
When I love, I love… It never goes away.
Love doesn’t hide, don’t run, love doesn’t hurt and no, happiness ain’t a warm gun. Although… It can change into hate quite easily for me. I’ve had a real hard time accepting those two may very well be the same thing…

Nothing

Most everyone I know is A Lot. And by this I mean there’s a lot of lives, a lot of feelings, a lot of thoughts, a lot of experiences. Some choose to push aside what I see shining behind and others? Others chose to have the A Lot weigh ’em down, push and pull thoughts…

I Wonder What It’s Like… To Be You

I’ve learned every experience and every person in my life up until now is… It
What it is I ain’t sure, I’ll get back to you on this.
(Which is why I’m here, writing to you and wondering…)

Did I do the right “thing”

… I don’t know. I don’t know if what I’ve done is right or wrong,
I ain’t sure if the choices I’ve made throughout my life have been good or bad,
I suppose it’s how I look at “this” or “that” and you know? I like to see everything…

When I see you, I see I see…Me

So here I am thinking,
“Does anything mean anything?
Or is that what I just tell myself to get me through,
Get me by, get me past… Another woeful memory”

———->
Ya ever love so much it became hate? Or vice versa?
You ever love the idea but when met with actual…

“Oh shit”… Run away?

Ya ever want the world for someone, so you give yourself… Entirely?

What do you do when you feel as if they’re near but in your mind,
You had to finish…

The Horse And I

Me and Him.

——>
Has anyone said to you,
“Now be nice, what if they were to die tomorrow?”
HELLO, that’s a mindfuck ain’t it. But what if…

What if…

Would you do or be anything other than who’s reading?
Would you wonder or say differently?
Would you?
Would you?

Would I?

——–>
My mind enjoys traveling. It’s real good at it too.
I practice a lot of ways just to be able to listen to you.
When you speak, I’m deciphering… “What do they really mean”

True False True

I’m “here” but not, I’m already past your words and in yer heart.

It’s just my nature

You think our time “here” is limited? Or you think “time” is limiting?
No one I know seems to grow like others do, most look the same since leaving LA, the only way I can tell if someone has really changed? I feel it…

And most times it’s fleeting.

You Owe Me A Feeling

I feel others in a way that can be quite frightening. (For you and I)
I used to think it was a curse, still can think that,
But if I practice this
“What is it” has me continuing, going, keeping on, finding out, but mind?
Mind has me unraveling…

Ball And Chain

——–>
I love minds almost as much as I love love.
Minds are beautiful…

Love Vs. Lust

I think that’s the hardest part ’bout my mind,
Being my mind.
So much goes on in there, that on most days,
I just sit and stare and stare and stare…

Care Bear

Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with people.
Some are “Dead” and some I just don’t have contact with anymore.

———>
I hate this.
I hate that I’m alive and yet feel as if I’m dying,
Or even worse, you are too.
I don’t like the idea of this world “without” me or you,
So maybe I should light a smoke,
Grab another coffee…

Do you know what I just did?
I spoke to myself.
I also record myself while writing…

Tricks Of The Trade

…Some say, but me?
When I ain’t sure about “something”,
Especially who I be or why I’m doing anything,
I turn camera on, push record and watch…

Her

I think I’ve learned the most from Her,
And yes, I’m aware I’m speaking in 3’s,
It helps me, you should try…

Maybe

The past few months it’s been really hard to sit,
Been real hard to do anything other than what I want which is to go back…

The Other Way

You see, I came running out to this desert to be saved,
What has happened, I have been the one to save.
Some people can be threatened and/or afraid (the same) by this,
But I’ve found saving myself, by any means or ways, is the most of everything…

It’s My Grace

I ask for help, am pretty resourceful, and yes, there’s still a HUGE part of me who wants to be saved, by you… But a really strange thing occurs when I go to Her

I hear me. I hear you.

…I’m closer.
I’m able to understand, or not, and be ok with it “all” and “a lot”.
I’m able to love your a lot and mine too,
And I’m also realizing we all have our own(ed) truths.

I Am Not You

——->
When you ain’t with someone anymore because it just didn’t “work”,
It feels as if there’s a gaping hole you are constantly trying to hide.
Like there’s a hole on your inside and only you can see and feel it.
Most everyone goes through this, just differently I suppose.
Hmmm… Maybe that’s a gift…

Maybe we’re not meant to be one,
Maybe we’re meant to be 2.

I’m not sure if my love is real,
Or if yours was/is too
I can say it don’t matter
It doesn’t matter…

Love Just Is

xx-h->
goldsrite.com

Just… Love

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I’m sitting alone in the California Desert.
It’s a bit chilly outside, my fingers are defrosting.
I think it’s November. Possibly December. Maybe even October…

I think about love a lot you know.
I write about love a lot too.
I question love and even more?
I get mad at love, hate love, feel sick of love, envy love, loathe love… Why?
Because even though I LOVE LOVE!
I’m also terrified of what “love” can, cannot, will and will not… Do.

Love Bombs

I feel I’ve spent my whole life following what I think love may be and more times than others I hear, “Why am I me? And who or what are you?
Hello? Can you hear me?”

… But that’s it right there, I don’t think love, I love.
When I think, I also hear, “That’s not even where love lives Heather.”
So where does love live? And what kind of love “is”?

“I feel I have never truly loved because my mind gets in the way…”
(Journal entry, November 2016)

When thinking love,
I can feel swayed, forced down, smacked away…
Who am I to be taking apart a word that supposedly only sheds light and I?
I can change my mind but love?
Love does not change, love stays the same… Or does it?

Love Has No Need

What good is my mind if it gets in the way of love?
And what good is love if it gets in the way of my mind?
What good is anything if it gets in the way… Of everything.

I’ve also had in mind,
Pain goes hand in hand with love and in my experiences,
There’s been great pain, great suffering… Familiarities.
What am I without Pain? What am I without suffering?
What am I without love? What Am I Without…

Have you ever asked yourself these questions?
I do all the time, just as much as I wonder and question…

What’s True?

The past years I’ve learned to accept pain and suffering. Why?
Because on the other side, love may just very well be residing.
And you know? Love may live with pain and suffering, love may be…

The Misery Hiding
(But I’m tired of surviving someone or something…
I’m tired of surviving me)

(A few weeks later) …
As I’m sitting here,
I feel anger.
I feel confused, tired, broke down and spent.
I feel ungrateful and grateful.
I feel a bit sad and I feel a bit pointless.
But I feel! I feel! Some years back when I would feel,
I was told it was wrong or “too much” (This can still happen)

… When I wouldn’t want to feel what I was feeling,
Or what you were feeling, I felt like I was breaking.
I felt as if love had left me, alone, with melancholy and misery.
And sometimes? Sometimes I wouldn’t feel anything at all.
Completely void. Soulless. No Love. No Hate. No Heart. No Mind…

Body Break

I searched manically for love,
Connection
But I would end up “self” sabotaging. Why Heather??
Well, the lack of feelings felt the same as overwhelming,
Feelings I didn’t want, and feelings I wanted to change.
But they did all have one thing in common…

Me

… “Me” is something I think and write about a lot too.
The subject of all my work is myself… Wait, maybe I’m on to something here…
Am I love? And love… Is just…

Being

When I write,
I’m finding out.
No pre-determined fate for these pages,
It’s all about lessening doubt.
I can say that about all the work I do.
It’s to find “Me” but I’m also finding “You” too.

Love? Where are you?

Some’s definition of Love is another’s Hate and vice versa.
What’s the difference between light and dark? Good or Bad?
What makes me “Me“? And why can words be so tricky…

When I feel weightless I don’t think love, I just…
When I see time stop (which I have and do) I don’t stop, I just…
Perhaps love just may be…

Here

… But Love is a word and words don’t fear,
Words don’t feel, words don’t do anything, I do,
And the meanings in which a word is given determines if I am aligned with truth.
Funny thing about truth, it ain’t absolute, it can change.
Does this mean everything can?

Love Is The Evidence

I feel there is no point to write about love
But I’m going to and I have a hunch I will get through… To the other side.
Ginsberg says that’s where madness lives and for me,
This word can feel the same as the word “Me”.

DON’T HIDE YOUR MADNESS

When I don’t hide, I just find…

Love

… And hate and pain (Are those the same?)
Whatever the case,
They do the same to me as L O V E… Take Me Away!

(A week or so later)
Right now I’m not sure if love will save me.
I’m not sure if it will find me a home, the right people to work with, peace…
I’m not sure if JUST LOVE will keep me afloat.
I’m not sure if love is enough or if my life has anything to do with love.
At the moment, the human I love is passed out in the bedroom and I have no love at the moment for him, just spite. It changes so frequently…

So how do I know what love is?
How do I know what true is?
How do I know? HOW DO I KNOW?
How do I know and who the hell am I to write about love?

… And who the hell are you to want to KNOW about love?

(Month(s) or so later)
It’s been some days,
Weeks
Months actually since I have been working on this.
It’s a few days after the new year.
I’m sitting on a friend’s sofa,
A sofa I have made my bed since getting back from Paris in September.
Today I was working on this and music.
I took a brief walk to get smokes, spoke to my Zen…
(I don’t like calling him that. I call him Jokai)
And this evening I waited for the man I love to call.
I waited for him to text… I waited. I went to bed.

… He texted this morning,
“Good morning my love” after he didn’t call or text me last night.
Last night after I told him I was feeling very low, another piece I wrote… Rejected.
(Trust. There’s more to this than just “this.”)

… I just wanted to hear him and a few words of encouragement.
He said he would call when he got home… He didn’t, although he says he did.
Crazy thing about lying, the truth is on the other side, right?
And I’ll be damned if iPhones don’t lie.

Is this what love is?
Is this what love does?
Is this what love can do?
Is this what love will not do?
Is this what love is not?

I’m sitting here on the sofa smoking and typing asking…

My Heart

… Wondering if this is love or if this is what I’m just used to… Pain

Am I afraid of love?
Am I able to love?
Am I able to be loved?
Am I trying to control love?
Is love trying to control me? Or is he? Me? Are we?…

I Hate Love

(A week later)
Being anything can be hard,
Being my kind can be real hard.
I question so much, but I was told once,
Go Back To The Questions Answers Carry Much Dust.
I really don’t care about the word love and am beginning to feel what I’ve been chasing, yearning, desiring, writing about, questioning, falling for, running away from, isn’t love… No, it isn’t love at all, it’s less suffering.
(Wait… Is this the same?)

Maybe I’ll just take the word love out of the equation,
Maybe then I can see what “is.”

… But for now, I’ll just lay here and smoke another cigarette.

(2days later)
I’m realizing if I stay away from words,
I do more. (Strange seeing as I write)
When I think I’m in love, all the anxiety,
Fear
Panic
And plain neurosis come out in strange ways because I think I have something and I ain’t sure what to do when I have something. My go to has been to destroy it. If I destroy say, love, I can work. I can sit alone at night, have an idea of what it may feel like… Pull from experiences and run to a piece of paper to write “it” down.
I can pick up a guitar or find some instruments to make with.
I can record myself, thoughts, ants, bugs…
I can sing into a mic and not be afraid.
I can take my camera for a drive and see what we find.
I can stare at the sky, smile and cry…

The point being, when I take words away, I am left with action.
Take a good look around and how most “systems” in this world work…

Survival

A lot of talk, mix up… A LOT OF WORDS.
A lot of trying to figure something or someone out,
But what’s not being learned about?
Me and You

“Love? Where are you?”

Love comes at the costs of so many lives,
Who are you and who am I to try to define.
See how protective I can get with “Love”?
I ain’t much for trying to define any “thing” or any “one.”
How can you or I even fathom what anything, or anyone… IS

… But I still can try. Yes, I can, and yes, so can you.

Love don’t cost a “thing,”
But it is the most precious piece of currency…

You and Me

(A day later) …
I’m noticing I’m quieter now.
Maybe love is just, maybe I just need love, maybe just love will free me…
Maybe love will just kill me…

Here I am

Love is something that may or may not exist.
I’m not sure what to call what’s inside of me,
What’s destroying “Us”
And even though I answer when my name is called,
I’m not entirely sure what my name means.
I feel a lot of things when I say or think my name.
I can even see it.
When I say someone’s name,
My body shows what kind of mark this person has left with me.
I had someone tell me once if he could describe me with just one word,
Yup
It would be… Love

Ain’t That Somethin’

… I had another person tell me I was somethin’ else.
Man, that made me smile.
It’s hard to be anything ya know?
Like I mentioned, it can be real hard to be “Me” let alone some “thing”,
But something else?… I can be that.

… Another person told me when reading my words and seeing my work,
He thought… “She’s more.”

All these can be,
What Just Love
Means…

More Than Me

(2 weeks later)
I don’t want to write about love anymore.
I don’t want to think or talk about it. I want to see it.
Please. Whomever, whatever, if you can hear me, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…

I NEED TO SEE (it)

I’m not willing to show you what I see and/or how I feel anymore.
It’s like I’m trying so hard,
I’ve missed my ride.
I’m stuck…

Where Am I?

No one else can see through these eyes…
Feel this mind…
Hear this heart…

I’m stuck in the Ghost Realm and I want to get out.
BAD.
I’m in hell.

(3 days later)
I want to see people saving themselves without shaming and/or blaming another. I want to see myself grow and you too. I want to see magic. That’s time for me. Like when I see a child and we don’t have to say anything. We just speak and be the same…

Language (Happens with animals too)

I see you know,
I see when I look outside and am greeted by rabbits and cacti.
I see when someone has 24 hours and raises their hand.
I see when my eyes are closed.
I see tears, my own and others.
I see the eyes and I see behind.
Most times, I see the pain and misery.
“You can see Heather, you can see.”

The Well Sees The Donkey

I not only want to see love,
I want to hear love too. Yes. Yes, I do.
I want to hear someone say “I did it” when speaking about something they’ve wanted to do but have been afraid. I want to hear someone say “NO!” because they just learned the only true power is the kind that gives, so they start giving to themselves in different ways. I want to hear a flower being gazed. I want to hear music, sounds, oceans, wind, rain, dirt under my boots, a horse’s neigh! I want to hear anger as it changes.
Some say that’s the first of loves ways. Anger can show me…

What Matters?
Kick That Door Down

I want to hear and feel your heartbeat.
I want to put my ear on your chest, look into your eyes and say… Nothing.
I want to feel love. All kinds. Humans, animals, creatures, plants…

Everything

I want to feel ENTHEOS.
A word that translates to “FULL OF GOD”
(It’s where enthusiasm comes from)

The feeling of being… Loved

… I want to watch love.
I want to watch whatever is making me Me and making you You.
I want to watch this world find itself without telling each other,
“Do What I Say! Or Else!”
That ain’t love. That’s Dogma. That’s bullshit. That’s fear.
I want to watch people the moment they realize feelings are a gift.
Click, wind, click… And I do…

See Through

… But right now I feel so much sadness and pain.
I don’t know if I’ll leave this room…

(A few hours later)
Some people say “love is all you need” or “love is enough”.
Shit, maybe I’ve said this, but may I say somethin’ else?
When I feel enraged, nothing can get in my way…

A Force

I’ll let you down, you’ll let me down, people hurt, me too…
I’ve seen what some say love can do…
When I look at Her and see what I’ve done to myself and possibly you too?
What I’ve done with my life and have yet to do?
I say, LOVE… I will fail you.

Fuck You

Sometimes it’s not about love and love? I can give a damn.
Maybe I don’t want what I’ve learned “love” is, what it may be or what I think.
The difference between my idea of love and yours? Absolutely nothing.
Whenever I question, it just means I ain’t sure and I’m learning…

It Is Or It Ain’t

(Tonight)
Love just may be doing whatever it takes.
I have a lot to learn.
xx-h->
goldsrite.com

Reclusive Community

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Hello, my name is Heather.
I say this (most times) when I meet someone.
I even say this when I meet an animal, bird and/or insect,
And when it comes to the sky, I don’t have to say anything…

I’ve always wanted a community or thought about it at least.
The kind of community who supports and allows
The kind of community who nurtures you and me
The kind of community that wants us to stand on own feet rather than,
Owned hierarchy
“Do what I say and if you don’t, go away. I’ll try to control you even more.”

I can be super reclusive.
I didn’t use to be this way, but maybe I did.
I was raised by my grandmother who was solitary and because of this,
I grew up wandering and becoming very empathic.
Or, “Maybe’s she’s born with it” (me).

Growing up I was with my grandmother or alone.
Other times were shared with other “old’s” wherever we lived.
We moved a lot, but even when our apt was not senior-oriented,
I would find myself wandering, trying to find others to be with, learn from,
or just watch. I’ve done this my whole life, wander and find, seek and ask why.
I’ve almost been kidnapped a few times because as a child I trusted was curious and I smiled…

From my beginnings, I’ve yearned for a family.
The kind of family I saw at school, church, on television etc.
For me, family can also be community (these are just words we’re talking) yet the kind of family I had growing up was separated, and most members my grandmother and I were close with weren’t blood-related. I’ve been in many situations since being a wee Heat (das me), experiences where others have come to my rescue as well as situations I lost myself only to find in you, another, someone and even something else. I’ve also been the one to rescue and reduce another’s suffering just by being me, Heather…

Hello Heat

There’s never been a time where this world hasn’t had my back and most times,
it is I begging myself to get off, stop pushing me over, fall flat. Since coming back from Europe, this statement is truer than ever. I found myself wandering at night and the people in Paris were concerned. There wasn’t a moment I wasn’t approached by another asking, “Ca Va?”

The months I lived here, the humans (community) helped me and I them.
It didn’t matter if we were the “same”. A Muslim man who helped me find my way home one evening…

“I’m a Muslim man. What are you?”

Me: “That’s a great question. I don’t know, but I think we speak the same language. Your Allah is my kind. It’s love, non-violence, it’s in us all, it’s all around in the sky and most importantly, it’s in my pain, it’s in my smile.”

He knew as I watched his smile… grew.

See, I ‘m not afraid of “you” my fear has been taught and if anything, all I’m afraid of is me. What I have experienced, in my life community doesn’t need to be family or neighbors, community doesn’t need to be the same color, religion, community doesn’t even need to be friends, all community needs is…

To Be

…But this can be super unnerving. What would you do if you could do anything? What would you do if you were alone with only the animals and trees? How would you act if you only had you to view? How would you feel if you were the only one you could go to and listen with? You Already Areand this is what I practice.

Humans like projects, fix, make, break, build, shake but when it can come to them…

Humans Ain’t Solvable

I struggle with the “safety in numbers” idea. With all that has and is going on, that sentence seemingly backfires. When one is heavily influenced by another, in person or through the media, they’re no longer part of anything, especially them. They are following and that’s when the word hierarchy can come in to play. I feel when I allow others to do “them” and concentrate on what I do, what I think and how I feel, I have closeness and less…

“Let me tell you…”

…But man do I want to YELL and FIGHT CRY ask you WHY! (And I do)

You Wouldn’t Know Wrong If Somebody Hadn’t Shown You Right

Having said this, guidance is valuable. It’s just what kind of lead am I following? See, I work on this little word named Duality. I notice what you say and don’t do. I notice lies masked as truth asking me to believe,
“Here’s proof.” I notice what you do but what you aren’t saying.
I notice this about myself every day, so what does this have to do with community?

Hey hey heyCan I say!

In order to have been or be, in order to how why or see any kind of anything, I begin with me. This means…

I am Community

I am Reclusive

I am Me

I am a community built from years of experiences, living (and dead) And what I’ve had or chosen rather these years to do is unlearn so I may begin again.
Every time I blink. I seek out many different ways, people, help and I create. I’ve noticed there are people who have built community’s only to keep others away, feel safe and others shy away and feel as if there ain’t nowhere they can stay… home. Some say my body is my home and if I’m okay with “this”,
I’m home no matter where I am.

At the moment, I’m in the California Desert. I came here runnin’ trying to get away and at the same time, trying to get back that “family” and/or “community” I had built while living and working in LA. I have learned nothing exists other than this moment, yet my mind and heart will pull and push me to feel and think otherwise. That’s where the “company I keep” and/or “community” comes in to play. I’ve learned I can isolate and I’ve also learned to differentiate this from solitude. I’m all about that Reclusive Community and that’s what I have out here in the Dez.

I have people I can go to, turn to, call if I’m struggling or if I just want to enjoy their company. I drive a lot, down (or up) these dirt streets, it helps soothe me. I also look to the “others”… Animals, insects, birds, and trees…

Ants help save my life every day and I actually look to them for direction on most days. I think we can all learn a thing or two from ants.

I have friends who have moved out here after I, who live differently and have their own ways of experiencing community. Parties, working together, creating, marriages etc. I’ve always wanted to be included, a part of, remember? But more times than not, I ain’t interested in the conversations, the drinking, the go-go goin’. I’m interested in learning (about you), creating, helpin’, and showin’. But this is their jam and helps them and man am I down for what’s helpful for you so you ain’t hurtin’ and yer livin’… YOUR LIFE.

The Dez taught me “Tortoise Life” so with this, I’m not in a hurry but I know how valuable time is. I ain’t waitin’ or wastin’. And you know? Most people I know are cool with this. They get it, at least, they say they do. What can I say? I don’t want to be like you and I don’t want you to be like me. ALSO ALSO! This can terrify me…

Community

I see how people can start doing everything the same. I see how that word “change” can be stunted and exchanged for “safe.” I’ve also noticed this is all okay and I, I’m working on making peace with being on the outskirts as opposed to being in the middle of things.

The Outskirts Are Most Usually The Best Outs To Be On

Most of my creative endeavors are solitary. I have to be alone to write, but my writing comes from experiences and other lives. When I shoot, 99% of the time the people I’m pulled in by, I don’t know. And sometimes (most times) I feel closer to a stranger, in the gutter, then a friend or foe. The depictions I do I ain’t so sure where they come from, I’m in a trance for most anything I do and yet that word community still shines through.
(I don’t always have to see to dream)

The shorts, consisting of sound, music, images, and truth, are collages from the web in which I can tangle myself in or trip myself up with. I use a lot of the desert creatures for these and I prefer to have other beings share my stories but I don’t mind stepping in, I’ve learned the times which are the hardest for me can be the ones I become closer to myself… And you.

Without You I’m Me Without Me You’re You

“With feeling comes gifts”
(I’ve been told this and I’d like to add thinking to the mix)
Although in the same breath, I can say it’s a curse,
feeling (and thinking) have allowed my community to be everywhere I go…

Wherever I am

Whoever you are

Whomever I be

I truly enjoy learning, I’m super curious. I’m learning to save my energy for what fills me up as opposed to draining me and I’ve also been learning that empty and full just may very well be the same thing. I work on coming from a place of understanding as opposed to being understood. I want to grow and I want you to too and I’ve found the only way to do this is not to stay… Stay anywhere because it’s safe. Whether that’s with people, ways, beliefs and/or an
environment. It makes my life enriched, others, their wisdom weakness, and strengths. It helps me too, not to be tightly grasping the one-sided truth. When I am constantly on the fly I feel alive. At the same time, it can leave a hole in my heart wondering…

“Will it always be this way and why?”

There are many types of communities. The first that pops in my head are for old ones. Let’s just clarify something here, just because your number is double (or triple) don’t mean yer old.

Young Old Resides Between Ears

Ya know? I’ve always wanted to flip some of those retirement places upside down because I’ve noticed the ones who have, introducing old with young, seniors with creatures and given to those left to die alone… DO WORK. If I could get myself to the place where I am doing what’s helpful for me as opposed to hurtful or stunted safety (which is the same thing) man, where would I be? What about you?

Wow

I understand how valuable it is for all kinds to be introduced to other life because when I’m introduced to another, 2-legged or 4, it gives me hope, inspo, and I’m no longer trying to end my life. I’m no longer closing the door. Don’t matter if I’m 99 or 4.

I feel community can be the most important but also, devastating. I suppose it all boil downs to the intent of you and/or I leading “us” to determine what “community” means. I’ve seen the intent in say The Netherlands, and you know? I think they may be on to something. Sometimes when you are so lost and or broke down you can’t be alone because you may end up underground and sometimes you’ve done things others feel you should die because of.(I’m talking killing and crimes) But it’s these kinds of communities who teach us the real strength that can come from this word “community.” Community can also mean a part of something which can also mean integrity and integrity came from this cool word Integral which means “Whole”. Roots are important.

I prefer to be left alone, working on creative endeavors and/or learning different ways. When not alone, I’m with others and sharing (showing) what I’ve learned. I’m also listening, learning, crying, smiling, laughing and covered in dirt. I enjoy living in places where I can faintly see a light in the distance. I feel better knowing there’s someone out there and it helps me. I think that’s how a lot of people who live out in the Dez may think,
“Safety in numbers? Okay…
but how ’bout 20 away, not ‘cross the street.”

I don’t think people live in the Dez so they can be neighbors.

Company Inclusively

When the past is triggered, I can get afraid of community and family ways. Like I mentioned, I can associate community with “do what I say” and if I don’t, I’m cut off, never allowed back in and pushed away. Being pushed away and or “rejected” can hurt. This is why it’s very important that my community is this world and all beings. Nothing belongs to me, I just belong.

I find when I’m not choosing sides, I’m not masking illusions of comfort, encouraging words with “safe” rather, I’m developing an internal strength that no one and nothing can break. So when the time comes, when I need to stand on my own for either myself or you, I’m able to go back to that place of understanding.

Side note: This doesn’t mean I don’t get angry.
Sometimes I feel more alive when I hit a wall and kick it in.

There are many people who want you to be like them and when you are, it makes those involved have a faulty strength. The kind that can easily break.
(I’m speaking from my own experience) Being like anyone strips me away…
From me. And I’ve worked really hard to remain in this world cuz, you see, this community (points to me) still struggles with life, experiences, thoughts, feelings, and ways, that can have her on knees begging something to take her away… From here “this” place.

Death Is Safe

I hear people say they never felt a part of something until…
Until they found a group of others who helped them be okay. This is totally cool and ain’t nothing “wrong” nor “right” with this. But now I’m more interested. Interested in what brought you here? What do you have to say?
(And what do you say when no one else is there or telling you)
What do you do when no one is looking? Most importantly, I’m interested in your feelings and thoughts, if they’re yours or if they’re not.

A Reclusive Community is just that. It’s alone a lot but doesn’t shun another when and if you’re in a “spot.” Whether that spot is hard or easy, a Reclusive Community allows you to just be. It accepts you as you are with the understanding we all can change what we feel and what we think and ain’t that a glorious glorious thing.

We Are The Strange Ones

A Reclusive Community also understands the greatest power to exists is the kind given. It doesn’t try to fix you but wants you to understand only you can fix “you.” And btw, any solid human will say “You are perfect as is”
You ain’t broken and if you is? That’s okay, sometimes it does take two.

A Reclusive Community promotes strength in solitude and safety when alone. It acknowledges experiences can be painful and hard, but also magical and great.

A Reclusive Community is there for you but also understands growth is a must.

A Reclusive Community realizes any community can be helpful or hurtful,
enabling or empowering.

A Reclusive Community realizes what I can do for you I can do for me, so I’ll show you what I’ve learned but it’s up to you to give up belief (or believe depending on your means)

Sing Sing Sing

A Reclusive Community is into valuing life, not things.

I read a publication that stated, “Without all of us, we’re nothing.”
Remember, words can be tricky. It’s not that I’m nothing without you, I’m nothing and everything on my own. I also read, “Show us what it means to be better together.” I’m not sure how to feel about this. How am I able to show you this when I don’t entirely agree with? Regardless, I’ll show you what it looks like and what this takes (or gives) to stand on my own so I may stand next to you. Even if it takes me a lifetime, a lifetime to say “I am” regardless if I’m split, broke, hurt and/or sick…

I’ll show you better does not exist. Remember? I already am.
I keep others in mind, because some do not keep going and lives have already come to an end. I’ve chosen these ways, but I don’t believe in sin. Ah! And therein lies that spirit. That spirit coming from a place of understanding realizing… I will never be able to understand. Some say this is Nirvana.

Upanishads

In conclusion, the most beautiful thing about Reclusive Communities is showing me…

What (who how why) I am… Me

Who (what why how) I am… To be

Reclusive Community shows me myself in each being, living and/or dead, giving me the choice…

You Already Are

Free

YAS! And the gift that comes with this?! I move forward (sometimes backward, to the side, falling, upside down…) But instead of taking? I GIVE free.
And this, whoever is reading, this for me is the most valuable piece of currency… My Name, And Yours.

Reclusive Community

xx-h->

goldsrite.com

ONE STEP BEYOND

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It’s true ya know…

“[…]the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac

———>
I’ve followed madness my whole life
But for this?
Let’s start from where I am…

In the DEZ
Staying at a friend’s house
I’ve been writing this off and on for over 3 months
The last edit didn’t save
I suppose this one is meant to be
But for a moment…

I imagined throwing technology pens paper pencils books coffee and smokes
Straight through the glass window
I saw myself yelling!
I even heard Her…

“FUCK THIS!
No one gets it!
No one cares!
What do you want from me!!
LET ME GO!!…”

Funny thing about madness
When yer writing
It’s as if you can become…

Conscious

———>
2 months ago I was in…

PARIS
Staying with a friend and his girlfriend
SAINT BOULEVARD MARTIN
With their baby girl (Imagine a 22mo Parisian Woody Allen:)
His 10 and 12-year-old from a previous relationship
Sadness
Joy
Anxiety
And pain …From me
And also
Them…(Maybe)

A month before I was..

Staying Underground
In a small studio below a daughter and son-in-law whom I just met a few weeks proir
Sadness
Joy
Anxiety
And pain …From me
And also
Them…(Maybe)

The 16th Arrondissement
RUE LOUIS DAVID
Paris is like a clock
Or snail rather
This part of Paris drove me mad along with being told
To be
Something other
Then what…

I am

It wasn’t anything specifically about this area
But the overall stillness
Quiet
Wasn’t natural
Forced rather
This is a red flag for me
Anytime you try to make others be how you be
I call this hierarchy
And I’m more into…

Reclusive Community

2 weeks prior…

HOllAND
Why was I there?
Why am I anywhere?
I followed Madness
Only to leave a month later
Take the reins…

I had to step away from others and let mine
Let my Madness just fucking be…

Mad

———————->
I can go in detail
Where I was
Who I was with
Their madness
But my wish?
For you to be open to mine
The Madness I follow and leave behind
And most times?
Madness packaged in all different kinds…

We’re all mad
They’ve always been and me?
Yes
Yes I have
I’ll be
So will we

…And you know what?
I wouldn’t change a thing
But I’ve learned a thing …or 2 or 3

——————>
Madness is Madness but…

WHAT IS MADNESS

You ever heard of James Joyce?
He’s one of my favorite humans
His daughter
LUCIA
Is a perfect example of “Madness” and what it may do to you
As opposed to you doing…

It

Lucia and madness were muse to “Finnegan’s Wake
Joyce’s final work
He watched her dance in a room next to him while writing…

He watched madness
Observed
Then wrote about it
Created from

Hmmm…
I think that’s what I do too

Carl Jung came along at some point and neither really liked each other
Joyce did not accept Lucia was schizophrenic and Jung did not accept she wasn’t
I think they both saw through…

When this happens
Sometimes
Great minds
Think
Alike…

Jung would go on
Influenced by Joyce and his work
My take?
Jung may have been envious of Joyce and how he was able to have Madness work
For him…

“Mental Health Inconceivable To Most People”
-Jung on Joyce

————->
Ya ever tried to write your dream after (while) living it?
Ya ever understand languages where words are insignificant?
Ya ever crack yer head open and dance with all whom reside?

Sometimes It’s hard to be mad
And sometimes it’s even harder to be mad at Madness…

…But it’s hard to “be” anything you know?
Especially when people have and are telling you you are (or are not) something.

“You’re Only Given A little Spark Of Madness. You Mustn’t Lose It”
-Robin Williams

——————->
Most everyone who resonates with me are mad or dead or both
I listen to the mad dead on YouTube or read their books
I share a smoke with mad in the gutter
And sometimes I lend an ear to mad before I shutter
Ya know?
I just be and most usually
Madness
Finds me

Sometimes I imagine what it may be like…

WATTS
SUZUKI
GURDJIEFF
JOYCE
GINSBERG
KEROUAK
BURROUGHS
LEARY
JUNG
DALI
ARBUS
BOWIE
MCKENNA
WILSON
MERTON
Etc etc…

…But I just imagine
So they all live in my head
And sometimes my bed
(I fall asleep to some of them most nights)

——->
One thing Joyce said has stuck with me for quite some time…

“The Trick Is To Step Into The Madness. Don’t Fall Into It”
-James Joyce

Sometimes I have to direct…

“Left right left right left right (or right left)”

Sometimes I have to count…

“123412341234”

Sometimes I have to ground…

“Green green what’s green???

I fall everyday and most days I feel like I’m about to fall flat on my face
Everything’s spinning
I’m no longer here
I’m non existing
But I’ve done that too…

Fallen flat
For me (and you)
Left black and blue
Heart and mind
Bruised
Confused
Alone and scared
Angry
Mind paining…

If Joyce was right and there’s a trick involved
I think I just may be okay…

I was told by an analyst some years back I had “Magical Thinking”
“You need to stay out of Magictown Heather” -Dr.Joyce (I know right:)

Instead,
After a few years I became the sheriff of MagicTown
I’m responsible for those who reside…

LET IT BE STRANGE->LOVE

Also…

Magic
Is in my blood
GYPSY

Horse Crown

————–>
I can get bored easily
(Or maybe I just jump around)
Right now
I’m working on this bout 20 minutes ago I was writing 2 other pieces
Before that
A song (or two or 3)
Making videos…

Last night I was editing my script and watching PAUL BLOOM.
The day before
Recording sounds
Weeping
Breaking down
And Letting life show me how…

To Live

That “boredom” ain’t necessarily bad or good ya know
I just live with a lot
I’m alive with a lot
(And sometimes it’s real hard to keep going)
But many do not
So I do with Her and me and them in mind

——–>
I don’t know how people can be around each other all the time
This makes my skin crawl
I have to start counting again
Or pointing out colors
I feel everything and begin to spin
And once in a while
When someone actually looks me in the eyes
It’s too much for them…

So I’m alone a lot.

Other lives can mess with mine
I feel so much
Irrational hunch
I think…

Pretty Wise

People have their own ways to cope with it “all”
I get it
I do too
We’ve learned to do
No “how” not even a “why”
I’ll never break through to any side
If I don’t knock that door down first and cry…

DON’T HIDE…Your madness -Allen Ginsbegrg

Storytime…

————–>
One time I thought the sprinklers in my ceiling were recording me
Like I thought they were something other than sprinklers
For 2 days I thought this
I didn’t leave the house or the sofa I was watching sprinklers record me from
Eventually I came to the conclusion they were sprinklers…

I called a friend in London proclaiming my discovery
We laughed
It feels good to laugh at myself sometimes
Shit
Some years back
I was convinced my life was over because people didn’t want to work with me anymore
I thought I had to get “it” all back…

That’s mad…

The mad I’m glad I had and don’t still have

——>
Today and the past week especially
I’ve cried a lot
Like everyday
I’m trying to eat
WEEPING
Who know’s what’s going on
(I do. I was in LA for 5 days)
Chemically
Mentally
Physically
Emotionally…

I wasn’t (I’m not) sure anything matters
And maybe nothing does
Maybe that’s why I can be in pain
When people shoot people
When war and poverty are normal…

When people’s attention are in front of them instead of inside
I feel isolated
Like recording sprinklers
Waiting to be discovered…

It’s not that I don’t care
(Sometimes I don’t. That’s real hard. Numb is bum)
I’ve just been learning
The kind of Madness that is mad to me
Is believing anything outside will really change
And everything that has is and continues to keep happening in the world
Is just a big game of the same same same…

“What can everyone do?
Praise and blame.
This is human virtue,
This is human madness.”

-Friedrich Nietsche

———–>
I like watching and listening to what it may be for someone who doesn’t live with a lot
The thing is
Many DO
Same as you
They just suppress and pretend
(I can too)

False->True

I’ve said it before
I love playing make-believe
But not the kind that makes up lies
The kind that makes me wonder…

What it may be like and why
Most usually thereafter
I’m cutting kites…

I also “sense” what others may or may not
Some say I got that spirit
Intuition
Others may just say
“You’re crazy Heat(her)”…

Crazy thing about crazy
It’s the only way I understand how to be…

“In a completely sane world,
Madness is the only freedom”

-J.G.Ballard

Madness can also be a label for something or someone when the intent comes from a place to BE understood

In the states we have SO MANY…
Hospitals
Treatment Centers
Doctors…

It’s as if people are more comfortable with being told they are or have something and need to rid as opposed to letting it be and developing into what could be…

I Don’t believe In Sin

States try to control Madness
Thinking if it can’t be understood it needs to be put away
For someone who’s been in quite a few of theses places
The people runnin’ them most times
Are crazier than I…

Hey hey hey

————–>
Moksha

Liberation
Emancipation
Release
Freedom from ignorance
Self-realization and self-knowing…

This is and can be SUPER SCARY!
Who am I?
What am I?
WHY AM I?
Where am I?
(A month ago I learned how to answer exactly that
Where “here” is That may seem super simple for you
but it was a breakthrough for me)

…Scary shit can also be very cool
Instead of asking to the point of spinning
I’ve learned all I ever am is what/why/how I am now
Neither you or I will ever understand
Understand?
Some say that’s Nirvana…

UPANISHADS

That’s one of Madness’s keys
It keeps me interested and on my feet
(Sometimes sitting, driving, running and crying…)

Dancing Creates Heartbeats

Sing sing sing

————->
Most everyone has a different take on “what” madness means
But for me?
It don’t mean a thing
MADNESS SHOWS
And I’m learning…

Growth

Do I still see things that aren’t here?
Yes
Do I still hear who ain’t me?
Yes
Do I still get hung up on words and think I know everything?
Yes
Do I still think sprinklers are recording me?
Maybe?
(I think I’m being recorded everywhere because I actually record everywhere/everyone)

Big Brother Is Watching… And So Am I

I don’t want to define anything let alone crazy or madness
When I listen to madness I ain’t hearing me
It’s like I’ve been whisked away!
I’m following and have no idea what it has to say…

…But Madness always has something to say

———>
Most days I’m altering states
Whether in my head or on my feet
See
Even when shit gets so fucked
I hear madness pull me…

“Greatness Comes From Me Heather
Follow Those Dreams And Their Beautiful Dreamers”

So I do…

I get smokes and what would be 5 minutes ends up being 5 days
What can I say?
I ain’t just following
I lead

Madness By Any Means

—————->
I ain’t sure why I’m writing about madness
Maybe it’s because I love and hate it all in the same breath
It can be isolating being part mad
(I ain’t sure what the other half is quite yet)

When I completely LET GO in 2011
I ended up in 3 psych wards by 2014
That’s what Madness does to me
It never lets me go
It never lets me breathe without reminding me…

I am you. You are me.

Letting go is a beautiful idea
It’s becoming more and more apparent just how important it is for me to let go
Since years past
I’ve associated letting go with destruction and mania
Success with lying
Money with love…

It nearly killed me
Actually it did…

Heaven Above
‘Round
Below
Doves

I’ve learned what to step into and what not to (most times)
I’m curious
What can I say:)

I’m learning… IT’S ALL OKAY

“We are in heaven now
Because the earth is a spaceship
And heaven is space”
-Alan Watts

————>
I’m pretty sure no one wants to live the life I live
They may enjoy what comes from it
But you do not want to live my life
Most times I don’t want to live
Life
I don’t wish this on anyone
It ain’t easy
I’m learning the hardest I can do?
I Gravitate towards
Not all the time tho
Rest
Is best
But ya know what else?
Sometimes that hard turns into that easy
I’m in the flow
And fuckin a if I don’t want to be anywhere else…

Go go go…Stay

I aint much to tell you what to do
But maybe think about the hardest thing you can do with (for) your life
(I will too)
See what happens when you LET GO (noted)
See what happens when you listen to yer heart and see through yer minds…

Don’t need eyes to see

I assure you
You will never be the same
And ain’t that Glorious
It’s also free(ing)

————->
Do you want what you think others want?
You think you’ve been conditioned to believe you want?
ADVERTISING
Truth be told
I don’t want just any “thing”
I want it all
I want to do everything
Go everywhere
Live for me
Live for you…

“Selfishness Is A Virtue”
-Ayn Rand

Yes that too
I want to be all-encompassing
Just to achieve”Me
Even if it takes me a lifetime of…

Momentary Truths

…But I have to get past this door in this room
(I’m isolating)

—————–>
There’s many who worry about me
What can happen?
A self fulfilling prophecy
I end up relying on them or
I hear in their voice when they ain’t saying anything…

“Told you so”

You didn’t tell me
All you said was don’t change
Stay
Here
Come back
Here
Sit
Here…

Worry ain’t anything other than bullshit
Worry is just for me to have something to “do”
(I was worried so much the other day I almost convinced myself not to stay)

…Most times?
Worry ain’t even about me it’s about you
(And vice versa)

Worry means I ain’t trusting
I’m learning to not get so hung up on words
But…

Words Can Be Tricky

A few years back
It took me hours to write an email
All words had to be specific colors
That’s how I saw them
And important words had to have arrows through ’em…

Then all words became important
Even upside down
And numbers became colors too
That’s a great time to be concerned
And people were
Maybe
Just didn’t know what to do
(I can be very convincing)

I’m also learning
What mostly concerns people when it has to do with you is
If they make it reflect on them and somehow you become their truth
The thing is
It’s crazy to me when another sees and doesn’t do a damn thing
For them
When I meet you
I can tell your love
What you’re thinkin’
Wondering
I make ways
I also put them out there and connect with what just may fill me/you up…

Entheos

(Enthusiasm started out by the name of Entheos
It literally means->Full Of God
Now God don’t mean one man to me
But it can for you
It’s all the same
Entheos inspires
Experiences and feels)

————->
Even tho I’ve had super hard times
I would never go back and change anything
For one thing
That ain’t even possible (or is it)
And for some who dwell on the past
Who sit and stare wondering “what could have been”
To me that’s mad
But not the mad I want to be followin’…

I don’t have any regrets
Nor shame
I used to because I though I had to be one way
Or that I lost “everything”
But after hospitals treatment facilities rehabs and meetings…

Madness and Crazy are still my best friends:)

RANDY! 25:06 time

———->
Madness comes in all shapes and sizes
Everything and nothing…

But madness?
Are you listening?
You can also be…

Disease

As much as I can sit in the gutter with another
I can also sit up top
High rises and shops
Be amongst “Success”
The ones who want what you and or I got
Once you got to the top?
Where else is there to go but below
I’m all about where the strange ones go…

Ya think yer able to be successful all around and still be able to swim and not drown?
I think about this a lot
What I would have to “give up” by letting go or maybe I need to look at it another way…

What I may get in return for letting go…

Whoa

When I let go I don’t give a fuck because all the fucks are given
Handed to ya RIGHT THERE for you to plainly see
All the fucks I GIVE YOU when I LET GO
I ain’t lying no more
I don’t give a fuck about what you think or what I think
Or at least
I won’t let me get in the way of me
I go through.
(And sometimes under over around underground…)

———–>
When did someone tell you to stop?
Stop playing
Stop changing
Stop laughing
Be quiet
Stop growing
Stop it right there
Be different
Be like me
Stop
Stop
Stop
I don’t care…

Do you want others to be like you because it’s easy?
Why is it the opposite to go against or rather
Make yer own way
There ain’t nothin’ in this world more gratifying than reflection
Being able to stand on your own
(And fall and spin and lie awake)
I made it
I’m here
I’m alive
I have many stories to share…

Storytelling’ Is The Oldest Art of Form

Rain Rain Rain

———->
What madness does is share
Sometimes tho
It can take and take and take
But I don’t think that’s madness
I think that’s
Despair
I can still withhold thoughts and feelings
Not as much as I did
This is what usually leads me to…

Drink. Pill. Cut… I don’t care

Razor’s Edge

Sometimes I have these visuals…

Me
Alone
Manic
Depressed
In this world… by myself

But that’s me everyday
So when thoughts of apocalyptic proportion
“Heather is homeless and crazy with a million journals
Drawings cameras recording talking to herself”
Pops in my head
I reassure her…

“Heat. You’re mad. You’re fucking crazy! You’re already doing this!”

…She just winked.

———->
Sometimes madness can take me to places I ain’t sure exist
Although…

I’m pretty sure madness takes me to these places to show me what CAN exist
Sometimes when I’m alone
I lose my mind
It’s gone… THIS IS A GREAT THING TO HAVE HAPPEN

…I’m pacing
Talking to something or someone
I sit
I stand
I smoke
I use the restroom
Play with my hair
I stare…

Right before I was in Cuba I was in Miami.
I remembered staring in to the hotel mirror in the bathroom
Channeling

I saw stars
Planets
Galaxies
In my eyes
That day
Night
I also kept running…

Away away away

See
Madness also wants to have all my time
When I just sit to smoke I have so many thoughts
Ideas
To just stand or sit
I have to make way
And if I don’t write something down
If I don’t remember?
I feel as if I’ve let Her down

I also understand writing in the third person can seem mad
But did you know we can be 3?
Child
Parent
Adult

Psychology

(I think theres a whole lot more if you’re asking me
It can’t be THAT easy)

———->
Do you know what’s mad?
This is 3500 words already…

That’s why I don’t believe any small or tall (child or adult) have most diagnosed ill disease (s).
Just get them to where they need to be and they will show you what they’re meant to be…

I’ll leave you with something I heard
From someone I can’t remember who said
But is most likely dead…

“If It Wasn’t True I Wouldn’t Of Had The Imagination To Invent It.”

Continue towards being crazy
Continue toward the mad(ness)

xx
-h->
goldsrite.com

Pure Camoflouge

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I wrote this after coming back from LA a few weeks ago.
I need the reminder.

Begin->

I was in LA from Friday until yesterday afternoon
If you know me
You get the yearning I have for solitude
If you don’t
Nice to meet you
I like to be alone… A lot.

It’s not so much I get a lot done when I’m alone
It’s the time alone to process
Talk out loud
Answer my own questions
And stand my own ground.

Since being in the Dez for the past 3+years
I’ve seen myself desiring to be
Further and further
Away
From you
And
“Society”

“Society Is A Hoax” -Alan Watts

———–>
While in LA over past few days
I wanted to say “FUCK THIS” and head back
I didn’t
I stayed
I waited

I work really hard at being in control of my thoughts
Actions
Etc
Lately tho
I’ve had a challenging time of what this means to me…

Am I suppressing?
Am I lying?
Am I avoiding?
What does being in control mean?

———>
When I’m around others
I observe control either held on to
Or given up
Freely.

It’s a messed up thing when your walking around wondering…

Why aren’t you becoming?
What you’re meant to be
You’re already this
And this ain’t working
For anybody

I see this a lot in others but mostly myself
I hand over my time
Life
Feelings
Thoughts
Everything
I just give it away and am left wide-eyed
Can I say?
Nah
Not worth it
Move along…

What it worth it?
Is spending your time talking about others “worth” it?
Is giving your time to systems of lies worth it?
Is becoming someone else
Or rather
Becoming what someone thinks they want you to be…

Worth It

What do you think?

———->
I’ve been wandering for some months now
Europe
LA
THE DEZ
Now I’m just wandering in my head
It’s not a great place to get lost in ya know
Man
I would really like to just LET GO!

I don’t know if you’ve ever “lost” everything only to realize you never “had” any thing to begin with.

I don’t know if you’ve ever “lost” yourself only to realize you were never your self to begin with.

Having these experiences happen to me in past years has me left with this uncontrollable feeling…

Resistance

I ain’t sure where to go
I ain’t sure what to do
I ain’t sure who to trust
I ain’t sure how to be

But Heather, You Do You Do.”
-Me

Yes
I think most are all lies you’re right
I’m aware of what needs to be done
Where to go
Who to trust
How I be…

I just fight it ALL
I really do and I’m tired of it
I’ve experienced so much
I’m ready to create from

“When I Try To Control You, I’m Not Well.”
Meeting Paris 2017

————>
I don’t enjoy sitting to write (all the time)
I feel like I’m on drugs
I twitch
Move around
Mind races…

I’ve been working on a piece about madness that’s driving me mad
As well as a piece about people
Shitbags
Now this may seem mean
And I guess any kind of name calling can be
But that’s the thing…

All My Dreams

…Lately
Have been at cost of other lives dedicated to slavery…

Slave to the wage
Slave to the blame
Slave to the guilt
Slave to the bills
Slave to the jealousy
Slave to the misery
Slave to the ILLUSIONS
Slave to the conformity

Slavery In The Minds Of The People

I’ve been working on becoming less
(Or maybe I need to become more. Wait. Maybe I already am?)

It can be so easy for me to take you on
Feelings
It also can be super easy for me to hear and see what you are thinking
When you ain’t saying a thing
Needless to say
I’ve become a slave to my owned ways and I must de chain…

Heat

————>
Right now I want to YELL!!
I want to run around and throw shit…

Push
Pull
Push

Is anyone in control anymore?
Or are most begging for you to take it so they don’t have to be responsible?
It’s hard to find people who don’t talk and talk…

Bullshit

I find most who hide behind conditional lies
Are the ones who are lying to themselves and want you to believe something else.

I don’t believe anything
I don’t even believe me
Or maybe
I believe everything
I believe free
(I just ain’t holding on to any one or two things)

Belief is just a word people like to hold and not let go of
Trust is also a word where I’m realizing
I don’t have much use for
See
I don’t trust you
I don’t trust me
But I am…

Trusting

The real tricky thing?
Duality

I’m working on a koan with my teacher and it’s thrown me
It’s supposed to do this until they don’t (maybe)
I’m reminded I could very well be on a 1,000 year journey
But sometimes
I feel like I should know
And I also feel you should too.

Better
Worse
Friend
Foe

Grab a smoke
Drink some coffee
Next verse…

———–>
I find myself wanting to do more
Which means I’m not doing as much as I can
So I’m suppressing shit and this makes me real sore…

MAD

No ones holding me back
I am
No ones telling me what to do
I am
(Maybe)

I’m almost at 100%
100% unable to deal with Bullshit
I think I’m on to something
If I stop Bullshitting me
I won’t make time for yours

Quick fix
Get it out
Make
Sense

xx-h->
goldsrite.com

Needle Exchange->Sun Piercing Grey

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Journal Entry 19.07.17

A real cool black guy is sitting next to me.
I talk shit about the morning,
But when I’m up and it’s not hot,
It’s a bit grey,
I love it.

To the left of me down a flight of stairs is a needle exchange.
White chipped paint underneath layers of graffiti,
There’s stragglers amidst and I’m sure I look like I may belong here.
Speaking of which,
I heard last night from a Rabbi one must (yearns) to belong someone,
Anywhere
For this is how most create their identity.
I don’t know what my identity is,
I heard inside…

Writer, photographer, “artist…”
But I hesitate believing.
(Sometimes, I really loathe labels, titles, and words)
Maybe that’s my inhibitor,
I don’t believe I am anything, so why should others?

There’s a man across the way from me.
He has two rolly luggage,
One brown
One blue
A small plastic bag in between and a backpack between his legs.
He’s “white” (ish) and wears brown sandals,
What looks like blue sweat pants,
A white shirt and a NY baseball hat on top of head.
Behind him a black metal roll up door with pink, green and white graffiti.
If it weren’t for the colors,
I’d think most graffiti (tags) in Paris are shit.

…He’s constantly looking,
Left-right
And occasionally at me.
For a moment a woman was next to him, she left.
I wonder where she went.

As much as I love the sun,
It can feel overwhelming,
Intrusive
As if I am made to be something…

Or expected just because Sun is there.

The grey surrounding rolling clouds,
(Or are the clouds grey?)
Protect me from invade spotlight allowing me to be ok with time,
My life
At this moment.
The woman is walking back to the man sitting…

She has a jug of juice.

Six tourist walk by me,
The men in blue teal shirts,
The woman in pink.
Is it so they can find each other if separated?
Or do they think this is cute?

People look at me with curious and wonder here,
Where as in the states,
I am either looked at,
Being seized up or judged,
Or not looked at at all.
Maybe that’s what people are doing here and I’m romanticizing hopeless…

Three men sit above the needle exchange, one smoking.
Even though I don’t use dope,
I feel I can relate.
The waiting game…

A fix

…And a quick one at that.
A needle, a smoke, a coffee, a poke…

We’re All Waiting (wanting) To Get High

…To feel something other than what we either feel or don’t feel,
Now.
Anxiety, sadness, lost, confusion…

The hopeless hopeful they will “make it” through another day.
This mind frame is what’s killing me or can,
It’s the same.
The needle in the hay.

I don’t remember the last time I was excited about the day.
Just as is.
Woken up,
Glad it’s here and I’ve stayed.
Instead I get up most days when pushed or expected or I have to pee.
But even when I have to use the bathroom,
I lay,
Reasoning why…

Some of me doesn’t want to belong,
Anywhere
I feel I’d have to give up “Me.”

The man and woman both sit now,
Watching everything.
And me?
I sit watching what I’ve been told life is,
Walk, run, ride a bike,
Past me.

Was I born this way?
And what does this even mean?
Memories of the same,
Clouds In My Coffee
Third smoke
Almost done
Time to act
Happy…

…Or maybe I’ll just come undone,
Daggers piercing
The Sun

You can hear and see through me HERE 🙂
xx
-h->
goldsrite.com

Fragmentation de l’âme

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I’ve been in Europe since June 1st…

I left the 31st of May and in the “time” it took for me to arrive,
I forgot
Realize…

My Soul

Some say it takes “time” for ones soul to “catch” up with them,
Especially on long journeys.
Proper guides have (will) make time for rest.

“Why?”

One must make space to allow Soul to catch up to body.
No mater what.

I have also found myself in life,
I forgot…

I am the guide.

———–>
I listen to “it all”,
But lately,
I’ve been feeling as if soul was dying.
I felt pulled a part (fragmented)
But I’ve learned a thing or two…

…Rest and reboot. *robot sound bee bop boop*

Rest for Soul and me don’t require much at all,
I don’t require much at all,
It’s others leading me to believe I am “difficult” or “hard to get along with”,
It’s others who have recently had me feeling they are my guide,
Not me,
It’s others who seem to go oh so fast,
Trying to get for…

Me me me…

Instead of resting,
Who have mistaken me,
For someone who believes…

I have to be them to be. Anything.

I don’t have to look real close,
I see disease all ’round me.
I couldn’t (don’t) expect anyone in their rite mind to understand just how important it is to take care of my own kind…

Times
Minds

This means I can also help yer guide,
If ya want…

Cuz you see?
Even if I don’t “want” your ways,
Somehow,
You show me what will become mine…

You
Are a guide…Too.

———–>
Are you aware?
You think you ARE awareness?
People say they “have” awareness,
But do you feel you are?

Awareness

What do you do when no one ’round ya wants to improve?
Change…
But they say?

They say they want you,
To change,
They may even say they “want” this for themselves,
But the necessary steps it takes,
Only separates
Them from “Self,”
And this can be scary for people.
Maybe it’s been scary for me and this is why I have let fragmented souls guide me into darkness and all these man made holes…

I ain’t much for telling people what they should or should not do,
So after a while,
I turn around,
Away from you,
And I sit…

Alone.

Most usually when I am upset about others,
It’s because I don’t like what they are doing.
Whether that doing ain’t much of doing at all,
Or if that doing is super selfish,
Comes at a cost…

Soul

Whatever the case,
When I am upset with another,
I have to make space
And come…

Face to face->With me.

———->
Being in Paris is a trip.
All I want to do wherever I go is show you what I can do,
Share what I have learned,
And learn,
From you.
This brings a smile to my face when most times?
Tears embrace.

But since I got here,
I haven’t been able to just be.
I’ve been shh’d and told what to do,
I haven’t been able to be alone,
I haven’t been allowed to be me…

I don’t like this.
Not one bit.
I’ve worked real hard past few years to build her back up.
My foundation this time?
Dirt
And trust.

———–>
Sometimes I can get caught up in lies,
Deceit
Which is when Awareness kicks me,
“HEATHER PLEASE”

So here “I am,”
5 weeks
Since I left the Dez,
And the other night,
Soul made it back…

Ya think we’re already dead?

I’m going to be real direct with “you”,
I loath where I am.
I despise the false kindness,
The laziness,
Entitlement,
The sucking me dry,
And the bullshit lies…

I hear,
“Heather, these are situations, not where or who yer with.”
Shit.

You know what my spons John would tell me if I told him this?
“Now add “just like me” after each…”

And I would say,
“Ughh. Fuckin A. Okay.”

This is one thing I have learned that is most helpful.
When ones around me ain’t where I “want” them to be,
Or if I don’t like the company I’m having to keep,
I turn that shit around to me,
And do something about it.

I breathe…
I be…

Another thing I have learned is Soul has to be integral.
I’ve already come undone and this is what makes being around fragmented ones very challenging. (I can smell my kind a mile away)

I’ve had to push shove and kick…

GET OUT OF MY WAY

…In order to make time for soul,
And ya know?
That ain’t the kinds I want to be surrounded by.
Most days,
I just want to be alone,
But for the past month,
I have been gone from myself,
And lately?
Alone has felt like fake…

Drone

Do you know?
How?
Why?
Where do you go?
When you have no place made?
Just like home…
Where the wild ones play…

Roam
Roam
Roam

———–>
Some say no rest for the wicked,
But I think it’s the not resting that can turn me into the wicked,
(And not the cool kind)
I’ve noticed,
When I rest I feel whole,
I AM whole,
And those around me?
Have less…

Power
Influence
Persuasion
Control

I’m able to stand up for myself,
Guide Her…

“HEAT REST”

Be in control
Don’t take…

———–>
Since being here,
The film in my Pentax got stuck.
That’s like giving a Pony to a 7 year old girl,
Having her connect with it,
Then taking it away,
But the little girl can still see Pony,
She just ain’t able to get to it…

It’s horrible to say the least,
But another thing I have learned?

I can make peace.
(I just stared at you)

I’ve been shooting on my phone,
And the other day I rigged an old Kodak with expired 120.
I ain’t sure if it will work,
But just being able to hold it and hear…

“Click…Wind…Push…”

…Is enough for me.

I like watching people,
Have for most of my life.
I learn a lot about myself when I’m undercover,
Uncover
I don’t make a sound,
I just listen…

Watching your whole life can be a great thing,
But it can also make it almost impossible for me when it comes to others,
And their superficial ways.
(This is a great thing tho, maybe. Cuz it can show me my superficial ways)

I feel.
A LOT.
Feelings are a gift,
Not only for you,
But for me too.

Word.Truth.

But sometimes?
I feel feelings are a fucking curse.
Why?
Cuz they can hind behind bullshit lies,
Devouring their kind.

…And I sigh…

————>
I’ve been listening to Bowie A LOT lately.
Right now I’m listening to “Dreaming My Life Away” from the Hours album.
Most humans I dig,
Or speak my language,
Are “dead.”
Not all,
But the ones who resonate with me tremendously,
I ain’t able to hang with,
I can only listen to their voices,
Messages
From 6ft. under,
Man I wish Theandrew was here…

2016 Bummer Summer

It’s so strange for me,
When I hear others speak,
As if there ain’t no more who can,
I hear inside of me,
Human…

“Why do you think? Why do I? Is it so we can talk about others?
Live their lives?….”

Nah ah,
Im good.
Merci.

————>
I ain’t sure why people don’t want to be doing what they love,
Or give time to fragmented minds…

Disguised Why’s

…But I’ve seen (and lived through) what can come at the cost if I don’t take care of me and you…

You and I.

…And why don’t some encourage others to take care of themselves?
I’ve felt so much shit,
Discord,
Hate
Resentment,
And jealousy…

I’m beginning to feel seeing someone in love with what they do,
Causes great pain in many,
And the reigns tighten,
The mind runs…

Why would I have to fight to be alone?
Why would I have to go through what I have been,
Emotional abuse
Mental misery
If those around were whole like they outta be?
(Watch that judgement Heat)

WORLD!CAN YOU HEAR ME??

Another thing I’ve learned?
It’s not about you,
It’s about me…

Maybe:)

——->
Ya see,
If I’m whole,
And you are as well,
We want the same for each other….

But if you aren’t and I am playing along,
I run the risk of falling down…

Soulless Songs

…Which is what has been happening.

Being sober ain’t just not drinking,
Cutting,
Or taking pills for me,
It mostly has to do with emotionally clarity.
I remember…
I remember…

That feeling.

I am a dream.

———–>
A few days ago,
I was done.
I was in an argument once again with someone I ain’t sure…

In Love

How can you love someone who doesn’t love themselves?
And how am I supposed to be whole,
Integral
When those around me consider outside the key,
As opposed to internal,
Wealth
(y)…

So here I was,
Sitting on a bench…

My mind was telling me all these ways I could leave this planet..

Jump in front of a car
Take a bunch of pills
Cut
Drink a bottle of wine
ANYTHING!!

…Mind was yelling (and so was the person next to me, shit, so was I)
But I stopped…

Mind (mine)
I breathed instead.

I wanted to kill person beside me,
(Kill me kill you)
That’s why when people call others evil,
I’m aware what’s inside of them,
Can also be inside of me.
I don’t see,
Good
Evil
I started walking…

FAST Impeccability

I walked and walked and walked and walked…

It was as if I was shedding,
Ridding mind of all the pain and hurt inside
And I was being followed…

I ain’t sure how long after,
But I sat again…

Another bench appeared and I decided to watch a couple across the street,
Kissing
And
Holding hands.
Poof!
A memory…

I began to feel great peace,
And even felt,
Bit by bit,
Pieced
Because you see,
This memory was from a life no longer lived…

I imagined my friend Theandrew and I walking through downtown LA.
It was a Sunday,
Temp was great,
People were out and about,
And me? Him?
Well we were friends…

I Choose Love->Not Hate
(But do I have to feel hate in order to know what love is?)

Theandrew followed me that day,
He was interested in what I “do.”
That’s the thing,
The friends FOR YOU,
Will always run alongside ya,
They won’t try to trip you,
They won’t try to harm you…

That day in LA,
Theandrew watched me from afar,
He watched as I watched…

Observing The Observer

He watched me gasp!
Run across the street,
Stop traffic,
“YOU SEE YOU SEE!!!!”

L O V E

…I had watched a couple making out and smiling,
When I made it ‘cross the street,
They stopped.
I yelled!!!

“NO!! THIS IS LOVE!!! DON’T STOP!!!”

The man smiled while the girl hid under his face,
It was perfect,
The man next to them laughed,
I pushed Pentax button,
It was a beautiful day…

…And so when I was on this bench in Paris,
Part of the bits,
Belonged to friends,
And the peace that came along with just their memory…

Saved me.

———–>
I’ve been so resentful,
Angry,
Hurt
Sad,
And hating…

That since being in Paris,
When I’ve seen love,
I hear…

“I wish I had…”

But ever since that moment on bench,
Feeling peace,
Bit by bit…

I felt Soul.
I’m beginning to feel whole…

This dream ain’t just me…

This memory allowed me to watch and observe without putting anything on top of it.
AS IS

Is…

How the story goes.

————–>
Being in France,
No money left,
No film,
No love
No soul…

Almost made me want to leave this world forever…

“Heather… G O “

…But I stayed.
I stayed “here” even though I wanted to run away,
Where else can you go when you haven’t a place made?

You make it->Home->Made

I ain’t sure when I’ll be back in the states.
I want to work with humans here,
So,
I’ve been emailing,
Connecting
Trying to “get,”
But now,
I am starting to give…

“What’s so funny ’bout, PEACE PEACE PEACE…
Love and under… PEACE PEACE PEACE…”

-Singles

———–>
I heard in a meeting the other day,
“Spiritual Solution”
Y E S.
(Ain’t that all of’em)
I ain’t much for Dogma,
“One Way”
But this “program” has humans in it who I learn from,
And anything that helps me?
I do,
Maybe.

For the past month,
I have felt like I have done everything I did not want to do,
But sometimes?
I gotta just do,
Whatever it takes…

People have opened what they’re willing to give to me,
Their homes
Their lives…

And ya know?
Jokai tells me it’s human nature to point out just the shit,
So with this in mind,
I also realize,
People are doing their best.
I just get frustrated because I want them to be,
Whole
I want them to rest and…

Be free.

“Sunny Side Up”
-Theandrew Clayborn
1983-2016

I hear…

“But wait Heather,
Do you want them to just be,
Like you?”

No.
I want them to see,
Differences
Are great
Valued
There’s great peace in finding “you…”

————->
I ain’t sure where my next meal is coming from.
I ain’t sure how or when I will get paid,
I ain’t sure if my camera works,
I ain’t sure if I’ll be okay…

But there’s some freedom with “I ain’t sure”,
But what I am sure about,
Is…

I won’t stop.

I’ve been given SO much.
A roof over my head,
A bed,
Food…

But I’ve also been given life,
Mind
Body
Soul
And all for free,
So…

The most important “thing”for me is,
Time

I learn from you
I learn from me

No need to wait…

Just see.

Much Obliged,
xx
-h->
Goldsrite.com

Belong Where You Are

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“If you don’t want to commit suicide make sure you have something to do.”
-Voltaire

“Do what you love and let it kill you.”
-Bukowski

———&gt
I started writing this a few days ago, it’s Tuesday, May 23rd…

Last night I wept.
I shamed myself for thinking about suicide,
I yelled…

“How could you!
People are sick, dying, suffering…
And you’re writing about suicide?!
How are you able to be grateful and want to die?
Who do you think you are!”

…My mom was in the hospital after she stopped breathing Tuesday evening.
After falling asleep in the late AM,
Confused, angry, determined and even a bit defeated,
Numb…

Upon waking,
I checked my Instagram.
Low and behold,
A friend no longer “here”…

I got pissed.

Times like this I loathe social media and the effects had (has) on humans.
A voice can be very important you know.
WHY?
When I hear another or they hear me,
Everything changes.
I’m no longer in my head having imaginary conversations with a shiny box.
Shit becomes “real.”
(Maybe that’s why no one called)

Real Can Be Real Scary

While pissed in my backyard,
I noticed…

The trees, the birds, the sky…

I noticed nature staring back and me,
Breathing

…So I made peace,
Or saw peace for what it may be,
A bird
A tree
A butterfly
A sky…

Me Wanting To Breathe->Be Alive…

I’m not sure if it’s life who ain’t easy,
Or if it’s me who makes life hard,
Either way,
Ain’t nothing in this world much like suicide ideation.
Nothing.
It’s actually in my ear right now telling me how selfish I am for even thinking about it which fuels the despair and contradicting ways I hear almost every day.

But,
I’ve been learning to reach out.
If something helps me,
I am obligated to share it.

This is why I do anything really.
Some say they do it for themselves,
And I do…
(Sometimes I stand on top of my mountain and scream “I DID THIS!”:)

…But most usually I do with you,
In mind.

It’s My Nature

But you know one thing?
I’m partially here because of me.
And if you continue to read,
This is why suicide feels so comforting,
“Controlling”…

You see,
I stay afloat when I write, shoot, reach out,
Because if I don’t,
I let myself down
I sink…

I drown

I made this pressure and I put this on my shoulders,
Time and time
Again,
Pressure can be a great great thing…

Win

I’d like to dedicate this to my friend Alicia Meyer and my Mom.
One who ain’t “here” no more and the other who I am “here” because of…

I will keep going and in the times I want to stop,
I will remember you Alicia along with others who after death,
Give me life…

Love

And you Mom,
I will do remembering what you have already done,
For me…

Ya know,
Someone once said,
“Lord don’t move that mountain, just give me strength to climb it.”

Everyday I work on my dreams and everyday I have to fight my shadow(s).
(Or embrace)
But it’s all worth it,
Knowing I have lived and continue to live,
Alongside some of the most inspiring and strangest humans in the land…

These are my people.
The kinds you don’t got a word for,
The kinds who have shown me how to stand…

On my own.
xx
-h->

BELONG WHERE YOU ARE
Begin Transmition—————->

I’m in the front seat of my friend’s car.
Our other friend is in the back…

I feel a bit low,
My energy zapped since sickness last month and my mind is trying to convince me nothing matters.
I want to feel overjoyed! I want to feel ecstatic!
But I don’t.
I feel as if everything/nothing I do (doesn’t) matter and my writing,
Momentum
Imagination are gone…

Poof.

Sometimes I can go days feeling okay,
Other times?
Weeks (months) on end where I want it “all” to end.
(Or maybe begin?)

———–>
What do you think entails a purpose?
Meaning?
Life?

Do you have to have one?

…Or is “it” already “here.”

And while we’re at it,
What makes life (lives) different?
What is?

You may have noticed I’m mostly interested in what people don’t talk about and what people shy away from. Most don’t speak a word about suicide,
Many won’t go near the subject and the Media?
Doesn’t share much about it neither.
(On the rare occasions it does, it’s very brief and lacking)

We Must Speak About Matters In Which Are Killing Our Kind

I live with suicide attempts and ideation,
But check it,
What I used to feel was cursed…

Existence

I Now feel gifted…

I Sense

Your pain
Your love
Your questions
Your truth
Your lies
Your suffering…

That’s why I shoot,
Click Rewind

…You and/or I don’t have to say a word…

————->
Suicide is universal.
It doesn’t care who’s ears it resides (in)
Suicide will ride along
Any ear
Whisperin’…

“This is all too much. C’mon, ride with me. The end.”

Suicide likes lies…
Suicide Horse

———->
I’ve lived with suicide ideation most of my life.
It got to the point where it was non stop everyday for over 2 years.
I’ve had multiple “attempts” but here I am,
Typing on this lil shiny white box, writing “you”…

How Strange Is All This->Reality

I find when I get it on out,
In a way I can see
I feel lighter
This means
Creating
For you
Hello, here’s me…

Heart Beat… And Breath

I use many vehicles to create (including myself) and like Voltaire said,
“…Have something to do.”
This is important because if I have something to do and that to do is something I LOVE?
I feel alive
I feel like the sun…

Shine Bright Lil One

It’s also what I don’t do.
I’m not interested in living for you, are you?
I find when I live at the hopes and costs of what someone wants or wishes for me, when I place value on outside validation/praise, etc etc…

“Things”

…This can add to the pressure of just “existing” and ya know?
Pressure can be a great thing,
But not the kind making me into something or someone I’m not…

Dying To Be

It’s a shame we live in a world who points fingers and blames.
We’re taught happiness is the only way…

I’m here to say,
It’s not.

————>
I don’t feel anyone has to be happy all the time.
(Or anytime)
Most usually when someone is happy all the time I look for the exit signs.
I also feel being anything all the time comes with red flags.
Humans aren’t one way, how can we be?
With all that is going on, has and continuing…

Why do I have to be anything?

…And why is there something “wrong” with me if I feel differently?

This is where I can get lost in the “idea” I need to belong.
Belonging can make me feel as if I’m compromising,
And I ain’t much for that.

————->
I hear a lot of people say,
“I never felt a part of”
Or
“I never felt like I fit in”
Even tho I can understand,
(As much as I can without being them)
I don’t want to ever fit in.
That don’t mean I hate on people,
Quite the opposite
I want people to succeed
Live
Love
Learn…

… I just don’t want to be in it all the time,
Cuz there’s a lil thing called “group consciousness” existing and wherever that applies, can rid me from (of) me.

That’s what I’ve been working real hard on the past few years.
Not ridding me from me
Not leaving me behind
Not separating
Instead…

All these experiences have brought me and bring me closer to myself allowing me to speak my truth even though it may change.
Allowing myself to leave when I want,
Allowing myself to breathe…

Breathe
Breathe

————–>
Suicide will be with me wherever I go.
Instead of fighting it,
Instead of “Acting As If”
What I do is reveal.
If I feel sad well shit, I feel sad.
If I feel happy, great.
If I feel at all, cool and if I don’t?
I create and I communicate.

Solitude As Opposed To Isolate

Did you know I would call the suicide hotline while in LA?
I did,
For a month or so at a time.
I would also sit in my car and hold a razor blade and cry…

How would you know if I didn’t tell you?
When I speak about this time in my life,
Where I had suicide hotline on blast,
I can smile,
Have compassion,
Real important?
Laugh…

Suicide is no laughing matter… Or is it?

“All Comedians Go Home To Cry.” -R

———>
It’s a heavy experience to have someone be here and poof!
No more.
It’s even heavier when they take their life.
Life is so simple but I can add so much shit to it,
Some days I can’t find my way…

Breathe Lil One… Open Your Eyes, Live Another Day…

When someone takes their life, it’s exactly just that.
Committing suicide is the only way one has absolute control.
But is that even so? Where do we go?
After…

One thing I know?
If Body wants to get rid of me,
It can and it will.
That’s kind of terrifying ain’t it?
YES. IT. IS.
That’s why suicide can be so alluring,
Leading me to believe I have control over anything…

————>
Now I don’t believe I don’t “have” control,
I do. I’m more in control of my mind then I’ve ever been in my life and I’ve noticed a HUGE difference.
My feelings, my thoughts, my mind…

Are not in control, I am.

Most times.

Maybe.

I don’t “have” control,
I’m in…

Who’s The Boss

…And I adjust accordingly to “who’s” in control to help me.

————>
Putting so much emphasis on happiness,
I MUST BE
Ain’t really living,
In
Reality…

The Sea

…I have found other “ways,”
Primarily Eastern, (delivered by Westerners)
Most helpful.

What I have (am) learning…

THE WAY

…My breath

And you know,
Sometimes I taste salt,
Sometimes I don’t.

Being open and talking about what IS as opposed to shoulds or wants is a must if I am to live accordingly to my word…

Word Is Bond

Please keep yer head (word) up.

———>
Most times,
When I hear Suicide I feel stuck.
It can also be triggered by “things as they are”,
Future tripping
As well as,
“I don’t give a fuck.”

I want to know about others, why they live the life they are.
I smile (eyes wide)
When I see another angry, crying…
Why?

It shows me they’re real,
And everything IS ok
It ain’t covered up.

I ain’t interested in your strength,
I’m interested in the weak,
The Vulnerable
Because when our eyes meet,
You and I
Already know…

Cuz I see,
Through
Feel
You
So on most days,
I don’t want to play
The Game

I ain’t much for Bullshit.

———–>
I feel and think a lot (WHICH IS GREAT)
But what can happen is I ain’t sure what to do with “all” of “it.”
Especially if it’s different and/or “incorrect” in the eyes of others.
If I’m not writing, shooting or working on creative endeavors,
I feel bored, restless. And when I’m around others who are not okay and pretend they are, I don’t know what to do, so I usually leave the room.

If I’m around others who think and feel and are open,
Inspiring, funny, “smart”, strange,
Allowing tears and pain…

I feel lighter and motivated to continue.

…But even then,
Suicide is always ’round the corner, whisperin’…

“Hey Heat, C’mere. Nothing you do matters.
You know this world will go on without you right?”

(Read the end quote, then come back:)

————->
As I mentioned,
Eastern ways have influenced this Desert Heart.
I learn from Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism…

…All kinds of “Religions,” Philosophies, Science (and more “ism’s”)
But what helps me the most is the impermanence of “it all.”
And the underlying root of everything?

Be Here Now

…And while I’m here,
Be kind
Be great
Be happy
Be sad
Be angry
Be alive
Just be.

All these “ways” teach me,
Fuck it
Let that shit go
Heat

———->
Speaking of “here”,
I can be anywhere cept where I am,
VERY EASY for me.

I tell stories…

Storytelling catapults me into different places, times, characters so much so, I have to work real heard at grounding.
I practice DBT skills as well as the “sitting.”

ZaZen
(I love saying it because it reminds me of my favorite word, TA-DAH!)

…I go to my meetings,
Meditations
I listen to music,
I make music,
And you know who can be the most helpful when Suicide whispers my name?
Alan Watts
And
Socrates

Philosophers get me.
They make Mind focus,
I absorb.

It’s when I feel I’m all boxed in and conforming I want to “end it all”,
And philosophers always talk about how it’s already the end:)

…And how “none” of this matters, intrinsically.

AND

How I can always begin…

Again.

There ain’t no such thing as SIN.

Ants, birds, flowers, wind, stars…

Are all
My friends.

———>
I’m not sure “how” Mind works,
Do you?
You think there’s a difference between mind and brain?
Some say…

One thing throwing me into the rabbit hole when I was in LA?
Becoming aware of just how easy it can be for YOU,
In my mind
And ME
Inside of your…

Mind

Self-discipline is something I work on everyday.
Especially when it comes to Mind.
Suicide don’t live anywhere other than there,
As well as emotions and feelings who too reside.
If I am to continue,
I must be the boss of my mind.

Boss Lady

Sometimes its super hard.
When I get onto little hamster wheel,
I feel so sad or numb I ain’t able to write or even care about anything,
And when I don’t write or shoot or music or anything I love,
I feel depressed…
(And y a know? Sometimes I HATE what I love, but I know I must)

I speak and write a lot about MINDPOWER and I stand very close to minding my words I speak to you and to me.
I have learned and continue to learn about Mind and I hear everything Mind has to say but instead of Mind havin’ control of me,
I’m learning to be the boss,
And when something don’t sound right,
I say…

“Mind? I don’t wanna play…Homie.”

Sometimes I just sit and listen,
Other times I fight with and/or
Try to understand Mind…

(Some say me understanding I will never understand is “Nirvana”)

…That what goes on in between the ears is just that,
“Things” that go on in between ears.
Sometimes it’s cool
Sometimes not so cool
Sometimes…

Most times it’s Nature who draws me back into life,
Letting me know,
I don’t have to think all the time
It’s not the thinking I must do
It’s the doing Heather…

Being

I ain’t going to “live” life if I spend all my time living with my friend,
Mind.

…And may I remind,
That’s where Suicide resides.

———->
It’s a challenge for me most days.
Myself
My mind, thoughts, feelings etc…

…And when there are others?
Almost impossible…(Not all “others”)

Mind The Company You Keep

It’s a real trip to “think” a few years ago I was unable to be alone, Associating “alone” with lonely, sad, death, loser, not wanted, drinking, pilling, cutting, wanting, etc etc…

But now it couldn’t be more the opposite.
No longer is “alone” scary,
It’s alone becoming a part of,
Bringing me to my knees…

Terrifying “Me”

That’s the next step in my book.
The chapter where Heather leaves her cocoon…

(Fast forward into the future. I’m in Holland. I did it:)

———->
Belonging where I am means just that.
Where I am now is where I am and where I am meant to be.
As long as I breathe,
I continue to be,
Cuz some don’t,
They stop continuing and that’s called disease.

I have lived with “all this” and have tried meds when I was forced to,
That didn’t last very long. At the moment I get a B12 shot once a week,
I take supplements and I eat what I crave, which most usually ain’t shitty.
(I crave spinach and eggs. Pasture raised! Hey!)

It’s important I mind what I eat.
I notice when I’m deep deep,
I eat like shit.
I also notice,
If I don’t stop to think and I just GET UP,
I won’t lie in bed for an hour contemplating “Why Why Why…”

It’s hard man.
Sometimes I envy others who open their eyes,
Have a smile on
And are glad…

To Be->Alive

———>
Belonging where I am also means if where I am is feeling sad, so be it.
If where I am I don’t want to be, change it.
If where I am is where I am?
Remember where I was…

“Remember where you came from Heat.”

…And I weep.
(Literally. I’m crying right now)

It could be that I was listening to the Schindler’s List score…

Music Creates Heartbeats.

———–>
Sometimes I have to fight myself.
I have to stand up and say ” F U C K Y O U”
I have to tell that part of myself I am in control and they ain’t.
I have to also appreciate.
I wouldn’t change a thing about me.
I’d always sit next to Her…

Free Me

This may seem like a lot of work (and it is) but it ain’t so bad.
It’s way better I do this then lie to you or myself and act as if I’m okay or happy when I ain’t,
Cuz Happiness and sadness are the same,
Just ones more accepted in this world while the other can make people turn away.

———–>
Experiences in my life haven’t always been pleasant or easy.
I don’t think I have ever chosen the easy way and when I did,
Suicide did it’s best to succeed, but something funny?
A force bigger then me stepped in and allowed me to be,
“Me.”

Suicide is a part of me and although it brings me to my knees,
It also brings me strength having living with all these man-made seeds.

Where Are Your Dreamers And Your Beautiful Dreams…

——–>
If you or someone you know is going through this shit,
Just be here for them/you. Or don’t. It’s up to you.
The best help I ever received was the help I was able to give to myself.
But that didn’t come easy.
It took this world to get me to stand on my own,
Again.

Family->Friends

———->
Suicide ideation is a mindfuck.
The lack of control and the feeling of being in control.
Now,
I work on what I can control.
I feel like I’m floating in space sometimes and my body is being put back together. Don’t worry, I’m not dissociating,
I think I’m just teleporting…

I think everything saves my life and I’d like to stick around to extend the same. I’d like others to feel and to know…

You Are All Hero’s

What else can we be?
LOOK AROUND!
This is crazy!
Don’t you think?
I value you
I value me…

Wise Currency

…And where you are is where you belong.
If you’re open to working with this and those around you,
You’ll be golden and that’s one of my favorite colors.

“The Greatest Use Of A Life Is To Spend It On Something That Will Outlast It”
-William James

xx
-h->
Goldsrite.com

New York Journal Entries 2010 Part 1…

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Hello,
These are excerpts from a journal I had with me in NYC, 2010.
The pages are torn, most words are difficult to make out and some ain’t even there or legible.

…But it’s the mind and heart I’d like to share with you from that time in my life. (Ain’t so much about the words)
Why heat?
Well,
Cuz that “time” can seemingly feel on repeat.
This is why I have a stack of journals
My guy, Pentax
And a toolbox always beside me…

I go back to the questions

“Always A Circular Motion”
Theandrew Clayborn
1983-2016

Yes Theandrew. It is.

Enjoy:)
-h->

NYC JOURNAL ENTRIES 2010 PART ONE
Begin Transmission->

Fri/Sat
The Spits/Nobunny show…
How cool. Why are people so stupid.
I mean, someone asks for a (Can’t make out word)
Ya know, and they look at you.
Fucking jerks.
But it’s the music. I love it.
My ass is bruised, my face is sticky, it kind of sucks not having anyone to share with. I’m kinda (Can’t make out word) when people talk 2 me.
Like, what do they want?
I feel out of place, no one talks to me, and when they do, I feel weird and than act dumb…
Or maybe I don’t and it’s all in my head.
I don’t feel like I’m accepted, maybe I’m not.
Shit, maybe I don’t want to be.
That’s it right there. I guess it doesn’t really matter.
Should I be walking home this late?
I really wanted a smoke. But didn’t. I am having a beer.
Not being w/anyone is hard. Today was great tho.
Tomorrow will be 2.
The bartender has my shirt.
How can I not stress about money?
I guess just enjoy right now.
Now is great!
Tonight was great!
I need 2 (Can’t make out words)…

… Appreciate it all. (Underlined)
(Page missing)
And I’m not but physically I feel like someone is w/me,
And watching me. Rite now the way things are, is difficult.
I don’t know what to do.
Just go w/it. Right.
Why do I feel uncomfortable w/people I think are “cool” and than don’t act myself, but when there are people I may not think are cool, I am myself and they love it. What is cool Heather?
What is “myself”??????????????????
I want to be 1 way.
I like getting this all out. It’s good.
Time to walk home…
(Scribbles)
Brunch w/Miguel
Why must I act like I know all
Why am I a certain way…

xx
-h->
goldsrite.com