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August 1, 2014, is a date reminding me, I’ve been through and can continue. I don’t cling to this date. It doesn’t weigh me down. I may even forget about it at some point too.
The sobriety I live doesn’t mean liberated from something, only to depend on something else. It indicates a clear, unobstructed mind, body, and soul… Whole.
After 5 years in hiding, what freedom do I choose? The freedom to be. The freedom to chose what kind of life to live, meaning, I allow you the very same thing. I still can learn much. I fuck up, get stuck, feel anger, frustration, isolated, sometimes lonely, other times despair. I also feel good, right, light, full of might, no longer 100% tortoise life, now it’s partially hare.
I hear I’m perfectly on schedule.
Here are thoughts and reflections from a day in August till now.
I “should” celebrate today. Every other year I’ve texted friends, posted on my Instagram, took a chip briefly answering when asked: “How’d you do it?”
But today I’m quiet, resting in retrospect, eating carrots in bed.
Time is bizarre. Memories come with something, a feeling, perspective Etc, etc. When I remember this date, I remember it ALL, mostly fear. I was unable to face you, me, anything. So fear did what fear can do and took the lead. I felt like ants were below my skin running, incapable of slowing. Fear checked me into hospitals, delivered me to the Dez, threw me into “Treatment” facilities and sober livings; all the while, shoving me into the “rooms.” That’s where fear can lead. It leads. See what I mean? Fear had me relying on others for who I was, and who I was to be. But what fear really was doing, and sit with this for a moment, fear was showing me “me,” and this fear was (is) so dedicated, so determined, it led me to realization, pushing me towards Self-Actualization.
Today I remembered I wasn’t crazy I was onto something and that something was too much for me to handle without tools. Can you relate? Also, there’s a difference between crazy, madness, and insanity. Just saying.
… I’ve been pondering what love looks like, envisioning love unconditionally and loving unconditionally. Does love need to be anything? Does love have to mean? Can you love another even when you don’t want to? Can another love you even if they don’t love themselves? In my experience, it is possible, yes.
It’s also possible not to feel love AT ALL. Nope. Nah ah. Not one Bit. Then it all changes in a heartbeat. You’re about to pull the trigger, slash the wrists, take the pills, you’re about to end IT when all of a sudden, the phone rings and someone needs you, or an animal appears out of nowhere, or an idea comes to mind, pushing YOU aside. So you stop, increase the love you so desperately desire for yourself and hand it freely to someone and something else not noticing this IS love and love, love can also feel and look like this too… Pain.
True true true
Who really knows what love is. Yes, I know you’d like to, sometimes I would too, but how can anyone truly grasp that which one can not say? Can you?
Language Is A Tool
I remember the love offered and the ones rejecting it, including me to myself. Rejection nearly killed me, but now? Now rejection is a word I’m close with and accept. I see rejection proposing not right, as opposed to something that could be right.
It Is What It Is
*Super hard accepting this. But I have, I do, I did… And it ain’t passive*
Perhaps that’s why I’m writing this on my sober birthday. Rejection is one of the reasons I fled. Rejection used to follow love, ya feel me? Somehow, or in a matter of time, it would all get fucked up.
Fucked up can be great, especially when it shows me what is and what ain’t. Just sometimes, it hurts, it PAINS. That’s the kind of fucked up I hate. I don’t like hurting. I don’t like being in pain. I don’t like suffering.
Did you know researchers think ants don’t suffer? Mhmmm. Cuz ants don’t have emotions they say. When I read that I thought, “LUCKY THEM.” Then another thought happened, “What a gift it is to have emotions and suffer.” I also read ants question their knowledge. Same here. I can be like them, ants, no emotion and get shit done. I also question what I think. I love ants. I learn from them and consider myself part of their fam. Anytime I go into a city, I find the ants for grounding and perspective. I head directly for my people.
END SIDE NOTE
… My life was like Groundhogs Day. I wasn’t learning the real important shit, just repeating everything. It was the SAME SAME SAME, just different situations, and packaging. Do you want to know what that real important shit is? I thought so. The real important shit is this: I never learned what right (love) looked like. I’ll repeat that cuz it’s good…
I NEVER LEARNED WHAT RIGHT (LOVE) LOOKED LIKE
*I’m yelling for the ones who are hard of hearing*
I can tell you what NOT right looks like, but as I write this, I think,
“Someone’s hate is another’s love, and another’s love is someone’s hate.”
Fuck me. All I know is what’s right for my life. But even “this” shifts constantly.
I’ve failed many times, rejected even more, maybe the same, my point? I don’t hold on to what I don’t like. I decide when to let go. You ask why I still suffer if I hold the key to suffering less? FAAAACK! What a great question. I held on until it was so unbearable because I was terrified. I resisted until I was so intimate with death and pain because it made me feel alive. I held on to letting go because that’s what I knew how to do. Maybe I did like pain. Maybe I did like suffering. Maybe I still do. I can say, me not being in pain, me not suffering, me letting go of the two, makes room for what matters. It makes room for another. It allows me to choose feelings and redirect focus to something tangible and what I can be in control of, ME. Plain and simple: Letting go allows me to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings so I am in control of my fate…
I ain’t much for that word faith
… Applying this method reduces hate allowing me to be warm and full of grace. I’ve softened my approach but still will bite if you dare. Some people consider you a bitch when direct. Do you know what I think? I don’t fucking care. Room for misunderstandings gets you and me in trouble. If you don’t believe me, check out the current state of affairs.
For most, perception is belief. Perception can be a HELL OF A DRUG, perception is to be believed. But not for me… I won’t try to convince anyone to do, say, or be. All I do is show you me. NOT EASY ALL THE TIME. Change has been painful, especially transforming my mind. But hey! It’s ok! You can do it too!
I brainwash all the time…
I’ve sacrificed many lives and kinds I was becoming so I could expand into nothing. This may sound unusual to you but for me? It feels right and, I’m a bit wiser and a little bit riskier too. I disrupt and dissolve the construction of myself. I blink out of existence. I see through feeling. Maybe that’s why I keep going. It’s not in me to STAY one way. I look forward to meeting the “other” who’ll keep up. Up until now, no one’s been here to stay in that kind of way. But shit, neither have I. A thought comes to mind…
Why would you or I stay in a situation not right? Why would you or I keep doing the same, the same, THE SAME? Over and over, again and again? INSANITY. For me, I tried to do, be, make everything, right. If I was going to use the word “crazy”, it’d be this feeling…
Crazy has you trying. Crazy has you feeling you need something, to be loved, or whatever it is you feel you need. *I need love. I know this about me*
Crazy needs to prove. Crazy needs to make believe…
Crazy also has you believing lies, passively accepting, suppressing, and not listening to yourself. I can go on and on with crazy because that’s what crazy is…
A FUCKING ABYSS
Staying anywhere, with anyone, when you don’t feel right and becoming someone you don’t like. That’s fucking crazy… But I have been known to be part crazy and just like fear, crazy can lead too…
Up To You
I don’t like feeling crazy. It feels man made. I think I’m heading towards a rabbit hole. So fuck off crazy, I’m out…
Many people are afraid to feel or rather, they feel what feels safe for them. Even if it’s pain and staying in the problem, what would they be without it? I notice because I can relate. I also notice people walking into roles created for them, unconsciously carrying out other wishes, leading them to their own(ed) self-fulfilling prophecies. I don’t hate much, but I hate that. I hate it because it’s confusing, I don’t like feeling confused nor do I like YOU confusing me. Shit, I don’t like you being confused. Why would anyone want to be that? It feels like a whole mess of people are confused presently. How could they not be? How could I not of been? I stepped into what’d already been made. I didn’t make it. I was confused. I was afraid. Now I ain’t…
The Only Way To Win Is Not To Play MAKE SENSE
The urge to take care of others is BIG since learning how to take care of myself. Taking care of others brings me peace and satisfaction. I don’t feel this all the time. I suppose my whole life I’ve fancied a family because taking care is what families do. I create families who feel right. They’re all over this planet. I’m not sure if I want a family all the time, or maybe it’s more like anything or anyone all the time. I’m not even “me” all the time. No one asks why you would have a family or a Small(s), but I know why. The answer brings a smile under mischievous wide-eyed eyes. I dream about this sometimes… Sigh
My highlight today was a dove. Instead of flying away as it normally does, it trusted me and stayed. I almost cried. I felt love from a dove. I’m aware I project feelings on the animal people. I don’t mind. The projections projected are love, trust, learning, and understanding. That’s how change changes. It comes into being with a thought, feeling, imagining. I’m generally on point with my senses, but what’s a true artist if they don’t take lies and make ’em into truth… Or is it take truths and make ’em into lies?
Where are you when you don’t know where you are?
Oh yes, this place, HERE…
5+ years ago I ran to the desert. We know this. I’m super over going backwards, but I will for this. I hopped on a flight and met someone from the treatment center I entered. Those places can be tricky, but I made it through. The ones I didn’t trust showed me I must trust myself. How many did I trust? None. Who says I have to?
2014 Me to Me:
“Heather, please learn to trust yourself.”
I don’t know how or why we all come together, but it happens. Everyone I’ve met stays with me in some way. John Falcone told me some years ago the people in my life would change if I was growing. He was right.
“The greatest insult to a teacher, is remaining the pupil.”
It’s hit me to stop looking for answers. Stop looking…
You Good Kid
What feels good about today?… Ah yes… The possibilities. Also, the fearless thing. These days I keep my shit clean meaning, you know what I mean, I’m not fake. I won’t lie to you or me. Well, most times, what can I say, never always. If you’re not like me, FUCKING AMEN. That’s more than ok, it’s great. And hey, if you get in a mess I can support you. What will I do? Encourage…
I may be at a distance, but over time, if you help yourself and are doing it, I’ll get close because you’re getting close with you. I’ve also been known to contradict myself, so there’s that too. Sometimes you need to get messy with others. All things aside. I can do anything now.
*It doesn’t have to be a mess, I like clean… A lot.*
That’s it right there… I’m really close to clean and dirty. Just took a minute to be ok with everything. I’m proud of myself. I can feel. I can choose what to think.
I can smile. I can laugh. I can cry. I can feel hate. I can hate. I can feel love.
I can love…
I can make I can make
… It happen. I trust myself now.
Love is not confusing, people can be. I do this thing now where I make decisions without even deciding. I’m thirsty to make my life how I see right, and how the mind’s eye, sees fit…
How To Be Whole Even When Feeling Incomplete
… This is what I’ve learned in 5 years.
Oh. One more thing…
Words have become meaningless to me.