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June 2014 Journal Entry->

To have the warmth that is only given off,
My the heart,
And the soul is to leave me alone and uncovered, cold, and cruel.

The one thing I for see is love and feel it,
And the mind comes..

And the mind comes.

It destroys all that is inside of me, good.

It tells me that I am not good enough physically or professionally,
That all I am is a failure and what ever I do will be denied.

Yet you heart,
You beat and you go on,
No matter how hard I try not to listen to you.

You always out shine my mind in its darkest hour.
You tell me after the thoughts yell and bring me to tears,
it will be…

“Ok”

You tell me after the thoughts have left me on the ground beat up,
It will be ok. It will be okay.

You tell me,
After the memory becomes a lie and the lie a fact,
And I am sitting looking at myself telling her,
“You are pathetic, weak, boring, needy, you are a liar and a fake.
You are un deserving of anything especially love.”

You tell me…

“I Love You”
And than I weep.

I weep.

I weep and I look up at her and I tell her,
“I love you”

She doesn’t believe me.
So I tell her again and again->
“I love you”

She stops.
She looks up and straight at me.
She takes a breath in and holds the tear about to fall down her cheek,
Into the ocean.

She stops.

She looks at me with eyes that I have never seen before.

She looks at me with fear and regret,
Sadness and despair.

She looks at me and says,
“What?”

…And I say,
“I love you”

She pauses and looks down.
I say,
“I love you. I love you. I love you.”

She asks why?

I say,
“Because you are passionate.
You’re youthful and honest.
You are special and caring.
You are fun and joyful.
You are non judgmental and hard-working.
You are deserving and loyal.
You are me,
And I love you.”

She replies,
Only with a small half-smile,
“With time” she answers.
“With time

I will love you”

I respond,
“I give you all the time and yet you stall.
What about right now?”

She pauses.

xx
-h->
LA

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