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PART I

Have you ever wondered where words come from?
I do. ALL THE TIME.
So I research, find out…

Words come from other words, most notably, a word can come from a feeling.
Feelings Words A Place

Are you content (comfortable) with a word(s) summing you up?
Total Sum Equates

… Because for me?
I will never be Satisfied nor will I be able to fully describe and/or capture,
This Or That
Me and You
You and Me
With just a word… CHARACTER
Ya feel me?

The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.
A characteristic, especially one that assists in the identification of a species.

-Oxford Dictionary

I’ve been working on this since October, so maybe you can see why,
Revise #35…
This and That “Character” can be hard to write about.
“A distinctive mark”
“A trait”
“A description”
My fav?
“A stamping tool”

THEY ARE TRYING TO TAME YOU

… What has me sitting in the dark, some months later, isn’t the
character of another, it is the character of ME…
Questioning Herself, yet again.

———>
I can be a whole list of “things.”
I can be whatever, whomever I want to be. And sometimes?
Sometimes I can be a real fucking asshole.
I can be righteous, spiteful, resentful, ANGRY…

I dig when She’s angry (I just winked) Why?
Anger shows me what I need to work on, what ain’t working, and also shows me what I’m willing to fight for… Neither holding on to any one side.
In Between…

Brave New Worlds

You know what I heard the other day?
“Difficult people are blessings.”
What kind of difficult are we talking? Some could say I’m difficult.
I’m unwilling to give you Her at the cost of “Me.”
I’m unable and mentally incapable of bullshitting…

Pretending To Be

My mind works with my heart. This is what I work on CONSTANTLY.
I cannot control “Your” perception of “Me” but I will tell ya one thing,
I’m not asleep. *Although I should be really. It’s 5:30(AM)

I think for some years I have looked so hard for something…

I have looked and looked. INSIDE AND OUT.
I have looked inside of you and inside of me, I have come from a place of understanding, primarily with others, so I may understand “Me.”

… But as I sit, now with the light on, as I sit, I realize…
Love don’t need and I don’t need you to understand me. I don’t need me to understand you. I don’t even need to understand myself. I’m here to learn about “Me” until I haven’t any…Misunderstandings

I speak a lot about taking care of each other, allowing others to be. I speak a lot about what I believe I yearn for yet have found myself contradicting…

Loving

… It doesn’t feel good, and I ain’t sure what feels good anymore, I know writing always helps… Music, filmmaking, photography, friends, horses, animals, bugs, coffee… LEARNING

Funny thing about what helps me though, I can starve myself to the point of non-existing. I resist and resist… Days, weeks, years…
I listen to the voice inside who says,
“Heather. Please kill me.”

As much as I write and speak about sameness-Connection-and how we all must connect with ourselves first, I’ve noticed I’ve disconnected. I feel as if I’m only these big brown eyes, watching through something or someone else’s body.
And I Weep… Right now I see I see I need to help Her… Me.

I Have A Lot To Learn
*This is my new mantra

Begin writings (thoughts) about a word named “Character”…

——->
I WANT TO LIVE OUT LOUD

What does one do? In any situation…
Some say the way you handle yourself is in fact how you build character, or is your Character but what exactly is character? Do you think due to its label, character can still be a role one is playing? And wouldn’t that allow, even mean… The character built or building ain’t even real… Intrinsically

Right now is hard. I don’t want to say the cliché…

Either You Is Or You Ain’t

… Duality is something I’m constantly ridding, but the thing is, I ain’t the only one trying to rid…
Shape
I take duality away, and what I’m left with is another and another’s…
Frame
Other’s who say but do differently. Other’s who do and blatantly say they don’t.
It is. It’s not. And have me questioning…

DOES ANYTHING SAID MEAN A GOD DAMN THING??

“What about you Heat?”
Exactly.
This is 2018, the year of Me, She,We…
All of us, inside of this little body.
Thanks for reminding.

——–>
Does duality stem from those around?
Or does duality come from a source?

Mind Subconscious Underground

… Trying to trap me, make my true sound Lie… Honne

I’ve noticed my “Character” has been influenced,
I’m trying to remember when it wasn’t…
Can you?

Who Is Valuable … And what is value?

——–>
How can you be close with unreal?
I find the hardest part about being in any kind of relationship is the
time I give. Lately I feel like I’m wasting time…
I’m giving I’m starving I’ve neglected… What’s Mine?
I’ve been building a relationship with myself these years and there have been many hardships. On the other side of that coin, the years have also brought grace and peace. I can look back… Reflect Remember… That feeling That think.

When I feel a feeling, or a think, I ain’t sure I want or know I mos def do not want, I do things differently. Or at least, I do or don’t only to do then don’t do again…

Rinse And Repeat

Duality, ceasing to be… Anything.

The thing is, when I accept another in my life, I have expectations and can struggle with this (I struggle with my own expectations. I put a lot of pressure on Her) I work on seeing what is and this has proven to be the opposite of what it isn’t.

I WANT US ALL TO SUCCEED

… And let’s just clarify something, what are you struggling for?
I also want to tell you my epiphany today…

Expectations are not goals. Expectations are not dreams.
Expectations are how or what I would like someone, something and/or me to be and that’s crazy! Why Heat? Because expectations are DENIED REALITY.
If I want someone or myself to change, be or do things differently…
Evolving
If I have goals, ambition, drive…
Dreams
If I fulfill my own needs, the difference between is…
CONTROL
I’m trying to control You.
I’m trying to control Me.
I’m trying to control Everything.
I don’t want to control or change you, I want that to be…

In Your Hands

… And let me clarify something else,
I’m not wanting to be with anyone if I’m being made into some
“thing.” But here’s some more honesty… I Am… Responsible For Me.

I will call you out if I care because I do that for myself now.
I practice what I preach.

All Hat No Cattle

——–>
I do try to make other’s responsible,
MAN I TRY! But with anything I “try,” comes failing.
I heard somewhere,
“Failing Is A Wonderful Idea. Yes. Indeed.”
When I’m “in” anything, I no longer see.
I’m ME ME ME and She (Me) feels A LOT, thinks a lot…

So when all I’m doing is feeling mixed with thinking, not only is that hard to upkeep, I’m also…

Outta Touch With Reality

It can be hard not to expect,
so what I work on is “lining up.”
If I see what is Cause And Effect
I’m somewhat able to tell the future…

Self-Fulfilling Prophet

This ain’t hard at all, take a good look at your life…

Now take out all the differences.

I work for some sort of “balance” and most times that balance is flying high or falling low, I don’t know… Balance So So
I’ve realized the company I keep has a tremendous effect on me, especially my own company. Having said this, I like to be alone but I also struggle with it. I didn’t used to want to be alone but when experiences happen, the kind flipping you inside out, kills you, changes your mind, penetrates your heart…

You aren’t able to be around “people.”
Especially when it’s pain, disguised as Love.

Sit Still Sit Little Dove

———>
It’s been super challenging lately to be still, since tapping into others,
maybe you can understand….

I’m with the Band (width)

It was easy for me to take “You” on,
and it can be even easier for me to See Through Machines.
Many don’t see, through themselves. They haven’t a clue on why they live in pain, but I do, so when it starts to shake my world… I know I’m onto something.

I Rather Be Wise Than Right

Intuition is always on my side, yet this “character” I hide yearns to cast aside what she sees, feels and finds… All to feel and be Loved, Saved, and Changed.

… And to break you and your dishonest ways… THE TRUTH

When someone says they don’t know who they are, that may be the case, but their actions, not their words, will reveal their chosen face…

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
-Maya Angelou

Whatever, I can still try real hard to make “it” different.

———–>
I know what helps and what hurts me, yet I still fight myself to do anything other than what may kill me. I have these moments where I feel good, dare I say great! Only to feel like shit the very same day. Speaking of which, unless I have a strict routine, my mood swings, my emotions rollercoaster and my mind spins…

Do I Have a schedule? No, but I’ve sure been thinking about it.

I WANT TO LIVE OUT LOUD
Stay Wild

Feels good to get it out.

How do you have any relationship with another and not lose but gain?
I feel as if I already have SO MANY INSIDE. I’ve worked my ass off for Her, the thought, idea, I need to be some “thing” other than me, even if I question the hell out of what “that” means… Can be terrifying. So why do I continuously seek out, see those who tie me up… Barbed Wire Grip Spider Web Deceit…

Shadow Me

I used to lose me and gain too many unhealthy… CHARACTERS
Now, I don’t make time to live life along side ulterior motives hiding behind…

Leopard Spots

… My first thought for seeking “out” is fear.
I can still get scared thinking about my world without, to the point I picture myself having a breakdown. I have these all the time. (You should try)

Without world consumes me, like the fireball in The Fifth Element.
It just gets bigger and bigger…

Some can take and takeFeedDisease Hate Blame Shame Use Abuse VictimMentality

I don’t buy it
I Have Nothing To Sell

—————>
I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into (an)other(s), but what is this?
Is giving your time, your mind, your heart…

Your Life

… Is this just a way to prevent myself from following through with mine?
Or is this what some may say is…

The Divine

If this is, and this is my destiny, do I have to accept?
Is not accepting accepting? Or can I just say…

The Sun Doesn’t Shine Because I Can See

Would you agree…

Sometimes You Have To Live For Others To Live For Yourself

…Or disagree?

I’m finding true self sees this as the same thing…

Living

xx-h->
goldsrite.com

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