It’s true ya know…
“[…]the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac
———>
I’ve followed madness my whole life
But for this?
Let’s start from where I am…
In the DEZ
Staying at a friend’s house
I’ve been writing this off and on for over 3 months
The last edit didn’t save
I suppose this one is meant to be
But for a moment…
I imagined throwing technology pens paper pencils books coffee and smokes
Straight through the glass window
I saw myself yelling!
I even heard Her…
“FUCK THIS!
No one gets it!
No one cares!
What do you want from me!!
LET ME GO!!…”
Funny thing about madness
When yer writing
It’s as if you can become…
Conscious
———>
2 months ago I was in…
PARIS
Staying with a friend and his girlfriend
SAINT BOULEVARD MARTIN
With their baby girl (Imagine a 22mo Parisian Woody Allen:)
His 10 and 12-year-old from a previous relationship
Sadness
Joy
Anxiety
And pain …From me
And also
Them…(Maybe)
A month before I was..
Staying Underground
In a small studio below a daughter and son-in-law whom I just met a few weeks proir
Sadness
Joy
Anxiety
And pain …From me
And also
Them…(Maybe)
The 16th Arrondissement
RUE LOUIS DAVID
Paris is like a clock
Or snail rather
This part of Paris drove me mad along with being told
To be
Something other
Then what…
I am
It wasn’t anything specifically about this area
But the overall stillness
Quiet
Wasn’t natural
Forced rather
This is a red flag for me
Anytime you try to make others be how you be
I call this hierarchy
And I’m more into…
Reclusive Community
2 weeks prior…
HOllAND
Why was I there?
Why am I anywhere?
I followed Madness
Only to leave a month later
Take the reins…
I had to step away from others and let mine
Let my Madness just fucking be…
Mad
———————->
I can go in detail
Where I was
Who I was with
Their madness
But my wish?
For you to be open to mine
The Madness I follow and leave behind
And most times?
Madness packaged in all different kinds…
We’re all mad
They’ve always been and me?
Yes
Yes I have
I’ll be
So will we
…And you know what?
I wouldn’t change a thing
But I’ve learned a thing …or 2 or 3
——————>
Madness is Madness but…
WHAT IS MADNESS
You ever heard of James Joyce?
He’s one of my favorite humans
His daughter
LUCIA
Is a perfect example of “Madness” and what it may do to you
As opposed to you doing…
It
Lucia and madness were muse to “Finnegan’s Wake”
Joyce’s final work
He watched her dance in a room next to him while writing…
He watched madness
Observed
Then wrote about it
Created from
Hmmm…
I think that’s what I do too
Carl Jung came along at some point and neither really liked each other
Joyce did not accept Lucia was schizophrenic and Jung did not accept she wasn’t
I think they both saw through…
When this happens
Sometimes
Great minds
Think
Alike…
Jung would go on
Influenced by Joyce and his work
My take?
Jung may have been envious of Joyce and how he was able to have Madness work
For him…
“Mental Health Inconceivable To Most People”
-Jung on Joyce
————->
Ya ever tried to write your dream after (while) living it?
Ya ever understand languages where words are insignificant?
Ya ever crack yer head open and dance with all whom reside?
Sometimes It’s hard to be mad
And sometimes it’s even harder to be mad at Madness…
…But it’s hard to “be” anything you know?
Especially when people have and are telling you you are (or are not) something.
“You’re Only Given A little Spark Of Madness. You Mustn’t Lose It”
-Robin Williams
——————->
Most everyone who resonates with me are mad or dead or both
I listen to the mad dead on YouTube or read their books
I share a smoke with mad in the gutter
And sometimes I lend an ear to mad before I shutter
Ya know?
I just be and most usually
Madness
Finds me
Sometimes I imagine what it may be like…
WATTS
SUZUKI
GURDJIEFF
JOYCE
GINSBERG
KEROUAK
BURROUGHS
LEARY
JUNG
DALI
ARBUS
BOWIE
MCKENNA
WILSON
MERTON
Etc etc…
…But I just imagine
So they all live in my head
And sometimes my bed
(I fall asleep to some of them most nights)
——->
One thing Joyce said has stuck with me for quite some time…
“The Trick Is To Step Into The Madness. Don’t Fall Into It”
-James Joyce
Sometimes I have to direct…
“Left right left right left right (or right left)”
Sometimes I have to count…
“123412341234”
Sometimes I have to ground…
“Green green what’s green???
I fall everyday and most days I feel like I’m about to fall flat on my face
Everything’s spinning
I’m no longer here
I’m non existing
But I’ve done that too…
Fallen flat
For me (and you)
Left black and blue
Heart and mind
Bruised
Confused
Alone and scared
Angry
Mind paining…
If Joyce was right and there’s a trick involved
I think I just may be okay…
I was told by an analyst some years back I had “Magical Thinking”
“You need to stay out of Magictown Heather” -Dr.Joyce (I know right:)
Instead,
After a few years I became the sheriff of MagicTown
I’m responsible for those who reside…
LET IT BE STRANGE->LOVE
Also…
Magic
Is in my blood
GYPSY
Horse Crown
————–>
I can get bored easily
(Or maybe I just jump around)
Right now
I’m working on this bout 20 minutes ago I was writing 2 other pieces
Before that
A song (or two or 3)
Making videos…
Last night I was editing my script and watching PAUL BLOOM.
The day before
Recording sounds
Weeping
Breaking down
And Letting life show me how…
To Live
That “boredom” ain’t necessarily bad or good ya know
I just live with a lot
I’m alive with a lot
(And sometimes it’s real hard to keep going)
But many do not
So I do with Her and me and them in mind
——–>
I don’t know how people can be around each other all the time
This makes my skin crawl
I have to start counting again
Or pointing out colors
I feel everything and begin to spin
And once in a while
When someone actually looks me in the eyes
It’s too much for them…
So I’m alone a lot.
Other lives can mess with mine
I feel so much
Irrational hunch
I think…
Pretty Wise
People have their own ways to cope with it “all”
I get it
I do too
We’ve learned to do
No “how” not even a “why”
I’ll never break through to any side
If I don’t knock that door down first and cry…
DON’T HIDE…Your madness -Allen Ginsbegrg
Storytime…
————–>
One time I thought the sprinklers in my ceiling were recording me
Like I thought they were something other than sprinklers
For 2 days I thought this
I didn’t leave the house or the sofa I was watching sprinklers record me from
Eventually I came to the conclusion they were sprinklers…
I called a friend in London proclaiming my discovery
We laughed
It feels good to laugh at myself sometimes
Shit
Some years back
I was convinced my life was over because people didn’t want to work with me anymore
I thought I had to get “it” all back…
That’s mad…
The mad I’m glad I had and don’t still have
——>
Today and the past week especially
I’ve cried a lot
Like everyday
I’m trying to eat
WEEPING
Who know’s what’s going on
(I do. I was in LA for 5 days)
Chemically
Mentally
Physically
Emotionally…
I wasn’t (I’m not) sure anything matters
And maybe nothing does
Maybe that’s why I can be in pain
When people shoot people
When war and poverty are normal…
When people’s attention are in front of them instead of inside
I feel isolated
Like recording sprinklers
Waiting to be discovered…
It’s not that I don’t care
(Sometimes I don’t. That’s real hard. Numb is bum)
I’ve just been learning
The kind of Madness that is mad to me
Is believing anything outside will really change
And everything that has is and continues to keep happening in the world
Is just a big game of the same same same…
“What can everyone do?
Praise and blame.
This is human virtue,
This is human madness.”
-Friedrich Nietsche
———–>
I like watching and listening to what it may be for someone who doesn’t live with a lot
The thing is
Many DO
Same as you
They just suppress and pretend
(I can too)
False->True
I’ve said it before
I love playing make-believe
But not the kind that makes up lies
The kind that makes me wonder…
What it may be like and why
Most usually thereafter
I’m cutting kites…
I also “sense” what others may or may not
Some say I got that spirit
Intuition
Others may just say
“You’re crazy Heat(her)”…
Crazy thing about crazy
It’s the only way I understand how to be…
“In a completely sane world,
Madness is the only freedom”
-J.G.Ballard
Madness can also be a label for something or someone when the intent comes from a place to BE understood
In the states we have SO MANY…
Hospitals
Treatment Centers
Doctors…
It’s as if people are more comfortable with being told they are or have something and need to rid as opposed to letting it be and developing into what could be…
I Don’t believe In Sin
States try to control Madness
Thinking if it can’t be understood it needs to be put away
For someone who’s been in quite a few of theses places
The people runnin’ them most times
Are crazier than I…
Hey hey hey
————–>
Moksha
Liberation
Emancipation
Release
Freedom from ignorance
Self-realization and self-knowing…
This is and can be SUPER SCARY!
Who am I?
What am I?
WHY AM I?
Where am I?
(A month ago I learned how to answer exactly that
Where “here” is That may seem super simple for you
but it was a breakthrough for me)
…Scary shit can also be very cool
Instead of asking to the point of spinning
I’ve learned all I ever am is what/why/how I am now
Neither you or I will ever understand
Understand?
Some say that’s Nirvana…
UPANISHADS
That’s one of Madness’s keys
It keeps me interested and on my feet
(Sometimes sitting, driving, running and crying…)
Dancing Creates Heartbeats
Sing sing sing
————->
Most everyone has a different take on “what” madness means
But for me?
It don’t mean a thing
MADNESS SHOWS
And I’m learning…
Growth
Do I still see things that aren’t here?
Yes
Do I still hear who ain’t me?
Yes
Do I still get hung up on words and think I know everything?
Yes
Do I still think sprinklers are recording me?
Maybe?
(I think I’m being recorded everywhere because I actually record everywhere/everyone)
Big Brother Is Watching… And So Am I
I don’t want to define anything let alone crazy or madness
When I listen to madness I ain’t hearing me
It’s like I’ve been whisked away!
I’m following and have no idea what it has to say…
…But Madness always has something to say
———>
Most days I’m altering states
Whether in my head or on my feet
See
Even when shit gets so fucked
I hear madness pull me…
“Greatness Comes From Me Heather
Follow Those Dreams And Their Beautiful Dreamers”
So I do…
I get smokes and what would be 5 minutes ends up being 5 days
What can I say?
I ain’t just following
I lead
Madness By Any Means
—————->
I ain’t sure why I’m writing about madness
Maybe it’s because I love and hate it all in the same breath
It can be isolating being part mad
(I ain’t sure what the other half is quite yet)
When I completely LET GO in 2011
I ended up in 3 psych wards by 2014
That’s what Madness does to me
It never lets me go
It never lets me breathe without reminding me…
“I am you. You are me.“
Letting go is a beautiful idea
It’s becoming more and more apparent just how important it is for me to let go
Since years past
I’ve associated letting go with destruction and mania
Success with lying
Money with love…
It nearly killed me
Actually it did…
Heaven Above
‘Round
Below
Doves
I’ve learned what to step into and what not to (most times)
I’m curious
What can I say:)
I’m learning… IT’S ALL OKAY
“We are in heaven now
Because the earth is a spaceship
And heaven is space” -Alan Watts
————>
I’m pretty sure no one wants to live the life I live
They may enjoy what comes from it
But you do not want to live my life
Most times I don’t want to live
Life
I don’t wish this on anyone
It ain’t easy
I’m learning the hardest I can do?
I Gravitate towards
Not all the time tho
Rest
Is best
But ya know what else?
Sometimes that hard turns into that easy
I’m in the flow
And fuckin a if I don’t want to be anywhere else…
Go go go…Stay
I aint much to tell you what to do
But maybe think about the hardest thing you can do with (for) your life
(I will too)
See what happens when you LET GO (noted)
See what happens when you listen to yer heart and see through yer minds…
Don’t need eyes to see
I assure you
You will never be the same
And ain’t that Glorious
It’s also free(ing)
————->
Do you want what you think others want?
You think you’ve been conditioned to believe you want?
ADVERTISING
Truth be told
I don’t want just any “thing”
I want it all
I want to do everything
Go everywhere
Live for me
Live for you…
“Selfishness Is A Virtue”
-Ayn Rand
Yes that too
I want to be all-encompassing
Just to achieve”Me”
Even if it takes me a lifetime of…
Momentary Truths
…But I have to get past this door in this room
(I’m isolating)
—————–>
There’s many who worry about me
What can happen?
A self fulfilling prophecy
I end up relying on them or
I hear in their voice when they ain’t saying anything…
“Told you so”
You didn’t tell me
All you said was don’t change
Stay
Here
Come back
Here
Sit
Here…
Worry ain’t anything other than bullshit
Worry is just for me to have something to “do”
(I was worried so much the other day I almost convinced myself not to stay)
…Most times?
Worry ain’t even about me it’s about you
(And vice versa)
Worry means I ain’t trusting
I’m learning to not get so hung up on words
But…
Words Can Be Tricky
A few years back
It took me hours to write an email
All words had to be specific colors
That’s how I saw them
And important words had to have arrows through ’em…
Then all words became important
Even upside down
And numbers became colors too
That’s a great time to be concerned
And people were
Maybe
Just didn’t know what to do
(I can be very convincing)
I’m also learning
What mostly concerns people when it has to do with you is
If they make it reflect on them and somehow you become their truth
The thing is
It’s crazy to me when another sees and doesn’t do a damn thing
For them
When I meet you
I can tell your love
What you’re thinkin’
Wondering
I make ways
I also put them out there and connect with what just may fill me/you up…
Entheos
(Enthusiasm started out by the name of Entheos
It literally means->Full Of God
Now God don’t mean one man to me
But it can for you
It’s all the same
Entheos inspires
Experiences and feels)
————->
Even tho I’ve had super hard times
I would never go back and change anything
For one thing
That ain’t even possible (or is it)
And for some who dwell on the past
Who sit and stare wondering “what could have been”
To me that’s mad
But not the mad I want to be followin’…
I don’t have any regrets
Nor shame
I used to because I though I had to be one way
Or that I lost “everything”
But after hospitals treatment facilities rehabs and meetings…
Madness and Crazy are still my best friends:)
RANDY! 25:06 time
———->
Madness comes in all shapes and sizes
Everything and nothing…
But madness?
Are you listening?
You can also be…
Disease
As much as I can sit in the gutter with another
I can also sit up top
High rises and shops
Be amongst “Success”
The ones who want what you and or I got
Once you got to the top?
Where else is there to go but below
I’m all about where the strange ones go…
Ya think yer able to be successful all around and still be able to swim and not drown?
I think about this a lot
What I would have to “give up” by letting go or maybe I need to look at it another way…
What I may get in return for letting go…
Whoa
When I let go I don’t give a fuck because all the fucks are given
Handed to ya RIGHT THERE for you to plainly see
All the fucks I GIVE YOU when I LET GO
I ain’t lying no more
I don’t give a fuck about what you think or what I think
Or at least
I won’t let me get in the way of me
I go through.
(And sometimes under over around underground…)
———–>
When did someone tell you to stop?
Stop playing
Stop changing
Stop laughing
Be quiet
Stop growing
Stop it right there
Be different
Be like me
Stop
Stop
Stop
I don’t care…
Do you want others to be like you because it’s easy?
Why is it the opposite to go against or rather
Make yer own way
There ain’t nothin’ in this world more gratifying than reflection
Being able to stand on your own
(And fall and spin and lie awake)
I made it
I’m here
I’m alive
I have many stories to share…
Storytelling’ Is The Oldest Art of Form
Rain Rain Rain
———->
What madness does is share
Sometimes tho
It can take and take and take
But I don’t think that’s madness
I think that’s
Despair
I can still withhold thoughts and feelings
Not as much as I did
This is what usually leads me to…
Drink. Pill. Cut… I don’t care
Razor’s Edge
Sometimes I have these visuals…
Me
Alone
Manic
Depressed
In this world… by myself
But that’s me everyday
So when thoughts of apocalyptic proportion
“Heather is homeless and crazy with a million journals
Drawings cameras recording talking to herself”
Pops in my head
I reassure her…
“Heat. You’re mad. You’re fucking crazy! You’re already doing this!”
…She just winked.
———->
Sometimes madness can take me to places I ain’t sure exist
Although…
I’m pretty sure madness takes me to these places to show me what CAN exist
Sometimes when I’m alone
I lose my mind
It’s gone… THIS IS A GREAT THING TO HAVE HAPPEN
…I’m pacing
Talking to something or someone
I sit
I stand
I smoke
I use the restroom
Play with my hair
I stare…
Right before I was in Cuba I was in Miami.
I remembered staring in to the hotel mirror in the bathroom
Channeling
I saw stars
Planets
Galaxies
In my eyes
That day
Night
I also kept running…
Away away away
See
Madness also wants to have all my time
When I just sit to smoke I have so many thoughts
Ideas
To just stand or sit
I have to make way
And if I don’t write something down
If I don’t remember?
I feel as if I’ve let Her down
I also understand writing in the third person can seem mad
But did you know we can be 3?
Child
Parent
Adult
Psychology
(I think theres a whole lot more if you’re asking me
It can’t be THAT easy)
———->
Do you know what’s mad?
This is 3500 words already…
That’s why I don’t believe any small or tall (child or adult) have most diagnosed ill disease (s).
Just get them to where they need to be and they will show you what they’re meant to be…
I’ll leave you with something I heard
From someone I can’t remember who said
But is most likely dead…
“If It Wasn’t True I Wouldn’t Of Had The Imagination To Invent It.”
Continue towards being crazy
Continue toward the mad(ness)
xx
-h->
goldsrite.com